Little Lion Man

I am up late, because I was at a really long birth, and didnt come home until 6 this morning. I slept all day, until 5:30 p.m. and now I cannot sleep. I have a bad cough and I lost my voice from talking for 24 straight hours at the birth. :/

I am listening to what is probably my new favorite band. Mumford & Sons. I decided just now that I hope I marry and Irishman, who is actually from Ireland, has the accent and everything. Someone who holds a smoldering cigarette in the corner of his mouth while he plays guitar with silver rings on his fingers. Someone who understands me, drinks dark Irish beer and says things like Laddy, and calls me Love. I decided that just now. And if he could write songs too, thatd be a plus. :)

"It was not your fault, but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didnt I my dear?"

Week. From. Hell

So this week has pretty much been one kick in the emotional/financial/mental pants after another. Between being sick, grumpy, hormonal and broke, I have had to cancel classes with clients, bring my kids with me to a consultation, deal with a maybe stalker, an insatiable son who is full on into his "Testing Twos" and an almost seven year old who is determined to turn every hair in my head nice and gray.

As I sit here writing this, I am officially DONE not having a car, DONE with being a girl and having PMS, DONE with being over booked, over worked and underhelped, and DONE with this fucking week/month.

Last night was exceptionally bad, and when a good friend came over trying to help, I acted like a psycho, bitch crazy person and probably hurt his feelings, pissed him off and freaked him out. Right about now I just want to retreat into a little teeny tiny hole and hide from everyone because I cannot control my grumpy anger and I am ashamed of how I have taken it out on people.

So. FUCK YOU to the sucky people in my life who have completely let me down and been totally selfish lately. Im So Sorry to the people who have tried to help, and have gotten their heads bitten off or have had to deal with a psycho Italian in return.

I need a good cuddle, a good kiss, a good nights sleep and maybe a night out in the near future. As of right now, I just really need a fucking break. A little bit of understanding and breathing room. I am waiting for the person who knows me best in the world to come over and cheer me up. Some pasta salad, some video games and our favorite TV shows should help alot. And being able to let my guard down and show my weak, scared and insecure side. You gotta let it all out sometime. No one can be strong and perfect all the time.

Goodnight kids. Until next time, we're all just dancing in the dark

Best Pot Roast Ever

I love pot roast, but I didn't always. I actually hated it as a kid, because it was always SO bland and dry, and needed more salt than was humanly safe in order to make it taste good. Turns out my mom was just a shitty cook.

I make it now for my kids, and they love it, because this recipe kicks ass.

Behold.

What You Need

A 3-5 lb. roast

1 package of dry onion soup mix

1 can of condensed cream of mushroom soup

1 can of beef broth

1 package of whole, washed mushrooms

olive oil

tin foil

garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper, and if you're feelin fancy some Cajun seasoning is good too.

Preheat your oven to 325

In a bowl, combine the onion soup mix, the condensed cream of mushroom soup and the beef brother together and mix well

In a frying pan, heat to medium high, and drizzle olive oil on the pan

When it's hot, sear the meat until it's lightly browned on the top and bottom {probably only a minute or two on each side, if that}

Place the roast in a casserole pan or roasting pan

Season with the above seasonings to taste

Pour the onion/mushroom/broth mixture over the roast

Throw the mushrooms around the pot roast, whole

Cover with tin foil

Bake at 325 for 1.5 hours, then increase the heat to 350 and bake for another 1.5 hours

I personally do not add potatoes or veggies to my roast pan, because they absorb all the sauce mixture around the roast, which I like to use as gravy over the meat and mashed potatoes, but that's just me. You are free to do as you like.

Enjoy.



Egg Casserole

Egg casserole, otherwise known as Amish breakfast casserole, is an absolute Sunday morning standard in my house, right up there with Robins in a Nest {or eggs in a bread hole as Bill likes to call it}

What You Need

4-5 medium/large washed red potatoes

Shredded sharp cheddar cheese

1/2 a white or yellow onion

1 lb. of ground breakfast sausage {I like sage flavored, but whatever turns you on}

12 eggs

A splash of milk

Preheat the oven to 350

Beat the eggs together in a bowl with the splash of milk, like you're going to make an omlette

Cube the potatoes

Chop the onion

Brown the breakfast sausage in a skillet

Spray a 13x9 casserole dish {glass is best} with some Pam

Throw in the sausage, onion and potatoes

Pour in the beaten eggs

Toss in about a cup of shredded cheese and mix it all together until it's well mixed

Top with garlic and onion powder and salt and pepper to taste

Cover the top with an even layer of shredded cheese

Bake at 350 for 30-40 minutes, until cheese is set and bubbly

Cut into squares like a casserole and enjoy!

Moonlight Miles

So lately I havent been sleeping. And by that I mean, I haven't been able to fall asleep until after four in the morning. And I wake up by seven. I lay on the couch, and watch movies. TV shows. Read books I have already read a hundred times. I take showers, and change my pajamas. I let the dogs inside, and outside, and inside again. I check my email, my facebook and whatever else I can think of. Sleep keeps escaping me.
While I sit up at night, not sleeping, feeling my eyes get puffy and red, feeling wrinkles set into my skin, I think. I think about all the parts of my life. You know, the main things: Money, Love, Family, Sex and personal development. Where all these things have been and where they are and where they might go. I think and think and think until I should be absolutely exhausted. Until I should be able to drop into a coma like sleep and not emerge until some at least one season has come and gone. But nothing. Not even a heavy eyelid, or a yawn.
Lately, I have been thinking alot about love. Love seems to occupy my mind like a foreign army. Marching around and putting up flags. Claiming territories in my mind that once belonged to idle thoughts about mundane nothingness. Love takes up any free space there is or was, and occasionally forces out useful ideas and helpful thought processes and barges in with its hearts and flowers and sappy music.
I am starting to hate thoughts about love. I am beginning to hate this merry go round I have been riding for a year and a half, that seems to only become more convoluted and unclear with each passing day. At least there once was a time when affection was clearly evident, and I at least knew for sure that I charmed my halfway sweetheart. Now I cannot decipher affection from lust, or true amoration from tolerance, or desire and passion from comfort. Somedays I think he cant stand me. He barely looks at me, talks dryly and keeps his hands to himself. Somedays I am certain he adores me, as he kisses me, and laughs at my jokes. But that warmth in his gaze, those loving turns of phrase, the sweet tiny gestures, they have yet to return. And I am left open mouthed and wanting.

I am so tired of thoughts about love, and the never ending question
"He loves me, he loves me....not."

I was in Burlington Coat Factory today with Meghan and Lainie and Jackson. I was trying on a coat, and Jackson was on the floor by my feet playing with some belts. The next thing I knew, I looked down to smile at my son, and he was gone. Just gone. I started looking around the area immediately near me, as the panic built. I started walking, around and around. No Jackson. I started running. Pictures of children on missing posters filled my mind. The images and memories of newspaper articles and billboards of children kidnapped, molested, raped, murdered flooded me as I ran faster and faster, asking every person I passed "Seen a little blond boy, red shirt, khakis, black sandals?" and the dismay as they said "Sorry, no" Lainie ran behind me, screaming, crying and panicking. She sobbed "Dear God, please don't let me lose my brother. I dont wanna lose my brother." A saleswoman brought me to the security guard and as I started describibg Jackson so he could alert mall security, a woman came to me, and yelled "I think we found him! Two men in the toy section have him, he's playing with some toys" I RAN. I ran like Hell. Yes he was still in the store, and had only been missing a few minutes, but I ran as fast as I could to my baby, Lainie at my side. I turned around the corner to the toy section, and there he was. Sitting on the ground playing with a little toy truck. The man that found him was standing there smiling. I grabbed him, and hugged him hard. He definitely looked freaked out. I dropped to my knees and grabbed my son. I pulled him to me, crying and shaking. He was safe in my arms and had no idea anything had ever happened.

I thought for 5 minutes today that I might never see my son again. I thought I would be handing out MISSING posters to neighbors and be pleading on the news to the kidnapper to please bring my baby home. I put him to bed tonight in his own bed. I tucked in my little boy and my sweet girl. And I felt so lucky. I felt like I had just brought them both home from the hospital all over again. I hope I never have to wonder where my children are. I hope I never miss a day of their lives. I hope all the missing babies in the world come home safely. I hope God is answering those parent's prayers, the way he answered my daughter's prayer today. I hope you all kiss your kids goodnight tonight.

Chasing Amy

Watching Chasing Amy always brings back so many memories. I absolutely love this movie.

"Maybe you knew early on that your track was from A to B, but unlike you I wasn't given a fucking map at birth! So I tried it all! That is until we, that's You and I got together, and suddenly I was sated! Can't you take some fucking comfort in that?"

"You turned out to be all I was looking for. The missing piece in the big fucking puzzle"

Such a heartbreaking, lovely and tragic story about love, life and the hang ups that keep us from enjoying both.

Absolutely Maybe

When is not knowing, ever going to end.....

The Songs of My life

Pick 20 Songs that evoke some emotion or memory for you. List them and describe what they mean to you...

1. Rivers of Babylon by Sublime: Reminds me of being 19 singing this in my car, driving around aimlessly on nights when I couldnt sleep, and Reminds me currently of Batman driving me home. How comfortable the silence between us was as this song played.

2. Tangled up in blue by Bob Dylan: The first Dylan song I remember clearly. I danced to it in the living room with my dad when I was 5. Its one of the happiest memories I have of both my parents.

3. Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind: Reminds me of getting over an ex when I was 19

4. If You could Only See by Tonic: Reminds me of my dad dating crazy Tonya when I was 11. They loved this song and listened to it all the damn time.

5. I'll follow you into the dark by Deathcab for cutie: Reminds me of first love

6. Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry: Reminds me of being young and crazy with Lucia Williams

7. Silent All these Years by Tori Amos: Reminds me of growing up. LOVED this song from the time I was in middle school and still love it.

8. Free Fallin by Tom Petty: Reminds me of being little and dancing in my bedroom. I had the biggest crush on Tom Petty. Music like his reminds me alot of my Dad too. I had a Tom Petty T-Shirt that I wore to bed when my dad was out of town because I missed him.

9. Anything by Sublime, Everclear or Offspring reminds me of my brother. He used to let me come into his room and listen to music with him when my parents were fighting so I wouldnt be scared. "Dont look at the ceiling!" of course I always did. There were naked pictures of girls on it lol.

10. Hard to decide which song, but Plans the whole album by Deathcab for Cutie reminds me of Dating justin, and then of last summer with Batman. Mixed feelings, bittersweet memories. Mistakes we cant take back, and things I hope I never forget.

11. Sugar We're Goin Down by Fallout Boy reminds me of when I was 17/18 hanging out with Shayne McPheirson and driving around singing and killing time

12. Over My head by the Fray reminds me of Lucia and Justin. Nough said about that. :)

13. Melt My Heart to Stone by Adele reminds me of hanging out with Dave, singing to him and our crazy insane friendship.

14. Wrong by Depeche Mode reminds me of my cousin Lindsay. It was the first song my son danced to at her house when he was 10 months old.

15. Mockingbird by Eminem reminds me of my life and my children

16. River by Joni Mitchell reminds me love lost and all the times I wanted to escape.

17. The Taste of Ink by the Used reminds me of coming into my own in High school

18. Relief by Chris Garneau reminds me of my McMegglez.

19. Most of Panic! At the Disco reminds me of Lucia, and also of Josh Franks. Our dearly departed friend. Miss you buddy. Thunderclap!

20. Foolish Games by Jewel reminds me of my childhood. I used to play this song when I was falling asleep at night, and sing it to myself to fight off the dark and all the feelings of fear and loneliness swimming around my room.

Random Life Lesson #96

Things dont always work out the way they do in movies. Sometimes your lost love is lost because you're the only one still in love. And You can't always go home again.


You would think I would know this for sure by now. But sometimes I need to be reminded. And the remembering always hurts so much.

Dear Past

Why can I not escape you?

Why do you find me, no matter where I go?

How are you so apt at sneaking up behind me on crowded busses and trains, or sliding into the seat next to me in restaurants and bars, and pressing your cold bony hands against my shoulders, holding me in place and beckoning "Remember......"

I don't want to remember this. And though the memories fade a little every day, their color a little less bright, their taste a little less fresh in my mouth, the feeling of them is there. So familiar and real. The way the blind cannot see the hands of their mother, but knows their touch from the touch of a hundred others. I know these memories, even if I can barely see them anymore. And they come to with their hands and lips and hair and smell more than their face. His eyes they gaze at me, through pictures. I hate you for it. I want to ask you so many things, But I want to tell you only one. It's been too long, this should be over now.

And the past should be moving on.
Visiting someone else
Haunting another's dreams.
But it will not leave, and I can feel you in my sleep.

Dancing in the Dark

I have spent most of my life this way. Shuffling my feet in pitch black to some beat that my memory cannot find. I cant remember the steps until its too late, I cant remember when the slow part comes, or when to slide to the right. I am spinning and swinging alone in midnights empty nest, and I cant find the moon. Maybe one day, the sun will come up, or someone with reach out through the inky stain of this eternal night, and ask if with them I will dance. Dance together in the dark, finding our way through songs and sonnnets we dont know. But holding each other, so it doesnt matter anyway.

Sleeping

I havent been falling asleep very easily lately... Tossing, turning, shifting and getting frustrated lasts longer and longer each night when I go to bed. I need two arms. Heavy and still. That can wrap around, weigh me down, and make the frantic bird inside my chest be still until morning at least.

Walk away

The future hangs over our heads

And it moves with each current event

Til it falls all around like a cold steady rain

Just stay in when its looking this way

And the moons laying low in the sky

Forcing everything metal to shine

And the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelery store case

They argue 'walk this way' 'no walk this way'

The Definition of Us

Us: a situation more than a relationship between two people, defined by it's existence only due to one or more party's unwillingness or inability to define said situation any clearer than that, or due to conditions not permitting the advancement of said situation from "situation" to relationship. Us is what it is.

Being a girl

Really sucks ass sometimes.

Radio Waltz

Welcome to the new land of my words. This is where I plan to come word vomit all the useless information about the daily goings on of my life. As I see it, feel it, think it and mercilessly regurgitate it. You can check out any time you like. But you can never leave.

As of late, Lainie has started the first grade, about a month and a half ago. Doing awesome, as always. Perfect student, nothing like her mother.

Jackson has been doing well at daycare. The adventures in potty training continue! No luck yet, but they are trying hard at his school too, so maybe the group effort will eventually pay off. Who knows.

As for me, I am still doin the single mom thing. Trying to get stay busy with the doula stuff and the childbirth classes. Summer was really slow for me, which always freaks me out. I need to practice my Zen or something, right? My car broke down a couple days ago, so I've been dealing with that. If anyone in the world is more used to Armageddon falling down on them at the worst moment, I don't want to meet them or know what their life must be like. I can barely handle my own sometimes. But I have some friends that love me, and a little bit of family too. I always turn it around. Always. One way or another.

You can't start a fire without a spark.

Even if we're just dancin' in the dark.