I don't think that you know what you've been missing

I woke up in your house and you were showering. I roamed around the kitchen, and stood in my underpants in the living room. I wanted to feel at home there like I used to but it didn't come. I sipped ice water, nursing some bad dehydration as I looked at all your things. Your one book shelf, your cluttered kitchen and little dining room table. I used to feel close to you, and I felt in love with all these little everyday symbols of you. I thought one day they would be symbols of us. Of both our names on some stupid piece of junk mail, our things together on the window sill. But you showered, and I waited. Growing ever more distant from you. From whatever life I used to picture with you. I dressed, made your bed and rode back to my car in yours in silence. I know it will be a few days before we talk again. It always is. Both of us hiding from sight, putting ourselves back together after such a private dismantling. We will present ourselves to each other again in several days or even over a week, and stand boldly like it never happened. Like you have never seen me naked, like I don't know what you look like when you're sleeping. And like we have never met a painfully sunny and awkward dawn together with all the choices of the night before. We will laugh at each other's jokes. Tell stories and look each other over like it won't happen again. But we always end up back here. And I'm always leaving early. Before your real day arrives to find me still in your life, hanging around, cluttering up your shelves.

"Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your room. And I could make this obvious, and you, you could deny me all in one breath. You could shrug me off your shoulders. But I dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck from the nights when we were both found at our best."

Judgment, Hatred and other things that suck

Judgment has been on my mind alot the last couple days. The way people judge other people. I mean of course a certain amount of judgment has to exist in every day life. We decide who we want to be friends with by judging their qualities, faults and what they have in common with us. We judge what family we talk to, stay in touch with or spend the holidays with based on....several factors too complicated to explain here. But there are worse kinds of judgment. I am not going to jump feet first into topics as complicated and sensitive as race, sexual orientation or religion here today, but instead I want to talk about judging others as parents.
A little background on me first: I am the youngest of 4 children born to two of (possibly) the most ill equipped parents ever. These two people should never have had children together. One of them probably shouldn't have had children period, but if she hadn't, I wouldn't be here and neither would my two beautiful children. I love my parents both. They are both very different, very flawed and very wounded. My mother was an alcoholic long before I came into the world, and my father was an undiagnosed (therefor unmedicated) Bi-Polar with serious anger, abandonment and woman issues. Ya, theres a perfect storm of disfunction for you!
I was born 4 years after my older sister who we will call M and 5 years after my other sister, E and nearly 10 years after my brother J. Can anyone say "Condom Broke?!" Anyway, from a very early age, it became clear to everyone that M just didn't like me. She actually downright hated me, but no one labeled it that for some time yet. Starting (accroding to my parents) from the time I could talk, she looked at me like she wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. Actually, she looked at me like she wanted to SET me on fire. Pure disgust.
Years passed, and her hatred seemed to only grow. She was abusive, physically and also emotionally. I don't have a single memory of her playing or talking with me, or doing anything nice. I remember her pretending I didn't exist, or being violent and mean. More years passed, and a time came where it was just my dad and I in the house. My parents had divorced, my brother had left home, and my sisters were either living with my mom or away at college. When I was 15, I became pregnant with my daughter who we will call L. (If you dont know her name, you dont know me, and probably shouldnt be reading my blog, lol) I think in that moment, time stopped for M. I never aged in her mind passed that point. I was forever 15.
In the last 7 years since my daughter was born, I have come under fire for my parenting choices by M more times and in more ways than I can count. Constant judgment to the point that I couldn't defend my choices to even strangers, because I felt so beaten down, judged and just wrong about every decision I made. In 7 years, CPS was called on me 6 times. The claim was always neglect, and the reporter was always my sister M. She listed reasons such as "L never has clothes that match. She wears things that don't go together. Sarah doesn't do her hair or dress her like a girl. She neglects her and doesn't let her family see her. Sarah forces L to take naps at what is now an inappropriate age just to keep L from having fun and being a kid. Sarah wants her to nap because she is lazy and wants to sleep in the middle of the day."
Let me go through this. L likes to dress herself, and she had a definite tomboy phase. No hairclips, ponytails or headbands, no dresses pretty shoes or pink. And DEFINITELY nothing that matched. What is wrong with a child dressing herself in clean clothes that fit, just because they dont "go together"? And napping? She is referring to an incident when L was 5 and Jackson was just a baby. He was napping and L was told her lay in bed and read, or nap herself. I was caring for an infant and a 5 year old BY MYSELF! How is it abuse or neglect to want her to read quietly or nap while the baby is sleeping, so I can clean, shower and maybe just maybe nap myself, and so that she doesn't wake her brother???

The point here, is that everyone in the world raises their child differently. There is a stark difference between not agreeing with someone's parenting choices and calling them neglectful. I have never been accused of abuse. I don't even spank my children. I just don't raise them the way she would raise hers. Oh, and just a little fact here. She has ONE child who just turned 2. That means for 5 years she was reporting me, without ever having had a child of her own.
Does she really believe I am neglectful? Maybe. But all of this judgment, spite and malice has to come from a deeper place than that. The hurt she has inflicted on my family, the emotional scars she has left will never completely go away. The memory of all the investigations, intimate questions and prying eyes will always be there. The doubt she instilled in me instead of confidence, for so long, about my ability to raise my daughter will always be there somewhere in the back of my mind. Still, when I get a text from her or a phone call, I feel sick to my stomach.
How can people be so careless, cruel and hurtful? How can one person be so wreckless with someone else's life, their younger sister none the less?

Being a parent is hard. It is hard in ways I cannot even describe or explain. It is a constant uphill battle to ensure your child's physical and emotional well being. It is a challenge and nobody is perfect at it. If anyone had all the answers, they would make millions on their book. But someone would always be there to disagree. Isn't that what makes us all so different and special? We all come from different people, different places and were raised in different ways. Extend love, not judgment. Offer support to those that are struggling rather than knocking them down even further. Nothing good comes of this cycle of hate and judgment and close mindedness. Love your children. Love your family. And if you can't love your family, for the love of God, leave them alone.

"You have your way, and I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way and the only way, it does not exist." -Friedrich Neitzsche

Once you go nerdy....

.....You never get dirty.

Lets Eat Perogies

I have a class to teach tonight and I am stalling about getting up, showering, doing something about my hair and my out of control eyebrows, dressing and leaving the house. I also should make dinner in their somewhere, right?
Which hobbit was it in The Lord of the Rings that said something about it being very dangerous business, walking out your front door? Well, Mr. Hobbit Dude, you got it wrong. Very exhausting business it is, walking out your front door!!!!

Im done. Lets go back to bed, eat perogies and watch Star Wars.

Chili!!!

Since we live in Arizona and it starts getting warm again like....now, I wanted to make my last pot of chili for the "winter". My chili recipe is a family recipe handed down from some guy named Clint to my dad, then my older sister then to me. One day I will teach my daughter how to make it. I call it Italian Style Chili because of a couple of the ingrediants, but I suppose if you made it you could call it something cooler. Like "Sarah's Chili" or "Awesome Chili from the Awesomest person ever". Its up to you.

1 can pinto beans
1 can black beans
1 can red kidney beans
2 cans Ranch Style beans
2 big cans of sliced stewed tomatoes
1 can tomato paste
1 small can tomato sauce
1 lb. hamburger
1 lb. Italian Sausage Mild
1 bunch Cilantro
1/2 white or yellow onion
Minced garlic
Chili powder
cumin powder
onion powder
Tobasco or Louisiana hot sauce. Really, you have to use these specifically. None others will do :)

Brown the beef in a skillet, drain fat and put the beef into your chili pot.
Brown the italian sausage in the same skillet, add it to the chili pot.
In that same skillet again, sautee the half white onion which you should have chopped, along with the chopped cilantro and some lemon juice. Add a spoonful of minced garlic once the onions are soft. Sautee until they're clear. Add to the chili pot
Drain all the beans except 1 can of the Ranch style beans, add to the pot
Drain one can of the stewed tomatoes, add both cans to the pot along with the tomato paste and tomato sauce
Season the whole mess with lots of the above mentioned seasonings and some good splashes of hot sauce.
Heat the chili and simmer about 2 hours. Chili always gets better the longer it simmers, and is perfect when reheated the next day. Add garlic, chili powder and hot sauce to taste. I like it pretty hot, but thats just me.
Serve with some shredded cheddar cheese and sour cream if its too hot for your kiddies.

Enjoy!

Used

"I think I made it a game to play your game and let myself cry. I buried myself alive on the inside so I could shut you out and make you go away for a long time..." -'Buried Myself Alive' by The Used









I need to stop sleeping with assholes.

Inviting it In

And all that jazz. Do you believe that paying attention to something invites it in? Do you really think that only inviting in positive and happy things, that only positive and happy things will happen to you? Is it really that simple?! Is THAT the answer to lifes problems, after all these centuries of suffering and pain, is it really so easy as just NOT inviting in negative things, by not paying attention to them?

Well maybe that is the answer. And maybe nobody has figured it out yet because it's harder than it sounds to never ever ever think a negative thought, at least for me. Like today, an old client posted a crappy and completely untrue review about my business online, because his birth ended poorly and he wanted someone to blame (even after I gave him a refund) and I instantly thought "Oh my God, my business is ruined! I am never going to get another client! People will SEE this review and not hire me! Not even call me!" Now, thats probably not completely true, is it? I mean, sure, some people will see that review and maybe not call me to be their doula. Some people will see it and be a little more hard on me during the interview. Some people will see it, and now care at all and call me anyway. But not EVERYONE who is looking for a doula will see that review, and it will not ruin my business. Make things harder, maybe? Sure. But it will not ruin me. However, did I invite it to ruin me by thinking it could? Did I just doom myself, or did the review doom me? I guess we will never know....

Silent Scream

I feel like there is something profound stuck in my throat, waiting to be said. I feel like I need to have some important conversation with someone, but I can't figure out with who, or about what. Maybe with myself? I sit down to the computer and feel the urge to start typing some serious email. A letter that will be life changing to someone who needs a life changing letter. But the subject, the recipient all escape me.

I need to speak. I need to open my mouth and let words fly out like guilded doves, and I need to be heard. Wait. Maybe that is it. I don't need to speak. I need to be heard. I just don't know what I have to say.

"If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am."

Music is Betraying Me

I feel betrayed by music these days. I am a music junky, a self proclaimed rythym-holic, an absolute addict for the well sung word. Poetry melted beautifully over a sweet, addictive beat absolutely melts my heart. I would go hungry before I had to live the rest of my life without hearing music. I admit, I am a snob when it comes to music however. Lyrics matter to me. I cannot "get down" if you will, to a song with retarded lyrics. Every once in a while I make an exception for a good dance tune if the beat is thumpin and the words are sort of catchy. But You will NOT hear me singing along to "Black and Yellow" by whatever fucking Moron sings "Black and Yellow". Where I come from, ya know the land of GOOD MUSIC, "Blue and Yellow" by The Used was the song to sing about colors and stuff.
But back to my original point. I feel betrayed by music these days. Due to my excellent skills in procrastination, I had about 87,000 errands to run that all had to get done today, and therefor spent the entire day in my car listening to the radio and my CD's. I was devistated. The radio is an absolute abomination right now. I mean, the towers should just be taken down and DJ's should be publicly flogged, the shit playing on the radio right now is so terrible. And its the same five terrible songs on every station played over and over and OVER. Can anyone say Katy Perry is fucking overplayed?!
Even my CD's made me sad. I thought back to the winter of 2005 and the spring/summer of 2006. That was an awesome time for music, at least for me. Deathcab for Cutie was on the radio, along with other good bands. GOOD CD's were being produced, and alot of really talented artists were finally getting recognized. I could listen to the radio all day and find something good on. Brand New was coming up from the underground more and more. Hellogoodbye was on two or three different stations. Panic! At the Disco released their first album, The Format hadn't gotten all shitty yet. Taking Back Sunday released Louder Now, before I even had a chance to get sick of "Where You Want to Be". "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me" Released shortly after from Brand New (always in competition right?) The Used was still kicking ass, basking in the glory that was "In Love and Death" and Fall Out Boy hadn't yet lost Pete Wentz to a pop star, and "From Under the Cork Tree" was always in my stereo. I was in love with music, and it was everywhere.
Emo back then wasn't a hairstyle, or a type of pants, it was music. It was a way of life, and also a way of dressing. It wasn't "Scene" or "Hipster" or whatever the fuck it is now. It was emo, and it was poetry in motion. It was the blood, sweat and tears of struggling and amazingly talented musicians finally paying off, just before they all sold out and started to suck/stopped recording altogether.
I miss good music. I miss pure, unmolested art that was made for the freedom and release the true expression brings, not for profit or fame or for all the little "hipsters" running around in their tight Levi pants.
Hey! You posers, back in MY day, when Emo was Emo, and music was good, guys had to buy GIRL pants to get them tight enough, and that was weird, and indie and ultimately quircky, eccentric and cool. Now they make boy pants girly for you so you don't have to do the work yourself. You all suck.

"This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue, and my eye through the scope down the barrel of a gun. Remind me not to every think of you again"

"I've wrote more postcards than hooks, I read more maps than books. I feel like every chance to leave was another chance I should've took."

"Keep quiet. Nothing comes as easy as you, can I lay in your bed all day? I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake. The hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday."

Losing Youth

I am overcome tonight with memories of the past. Little clips of silent movies, with songs from my yesterdays playing their soundtrack. The films are scratchy, washed out and incomplete. For the life of me I can't remember all the things that I want to. Like the exact day we met. Or when or how we first started hanging out together. I just remember being your friend. And how close I felt to you, from what seemed like the very beginning. I remember nights housesitting with you and talking about everything. Mostly music. But our conversations were like crazy quilts. Little pieces of our lives all got sewn together as we talked into the early hours of the morning. And I would feel giddy and exhausted as I drove away from you Aunts house in my little red car, as the night sky turned a lonely, dusty blue. I remember you coming over to lay in my bed and listen to my talk and sing to myself. We would nap together. Falling asleep slowly in the heavy haze of our careful balance of innocence and temptation. I remember jumping playground fences and breaking into hotel pools. Laying in new summer grass with you, making childlike plans for a make believe future. Your smile, your eyes, the warm sound of your comforting words and the sweet bubbling of your laugh. You were my best friend.
I want to go back! I want to go back to the days before your lips ever touched mine. Before we ever crossed the line from curious to confused. Before things changed. Before I lost two years with you. Before I realized I would never get that time back. I play our old CD's and I sing along alone. All the songs we used to scream together, speeding down the highway with all the windows down and no fear. Just that sweet and burning wonder of what if, that later gave way to why not.
I miss the sunburnt days of our tender friendship before all of this. When the mornings after I stayed up talking to you were still crystaline and clean. I can't get back there. I can't undo all that has transpired between us two. And while I can't pick a single memory that I could live without, I wish somehow that things had never changed. I wish that I could have stayed 18 with you on that playground forever. Lost in the surrender of youth and music and honesty. We were open and giving of ourselves in a way that only the unwounded young souls can be.

"We spent the night on razor's edge, all innocence and sin. Now I'm strung out on the bowery as the winter closes in..."

The Way It Is

I have been hearing this all too much recently. "That's just the way it is..." or "Thats just how life goes" and you know what? Those things suck! I have grown to hate hearing those trite and ridiculous phrases that are used to comfort someone who is struggling. Really it just tells me that you don't give a shit, and you can't think of any real advice so you are handing me a pat on the head and a cookie and hoping that will shut me up. Well it won't!
It's been a rough couple of days. Rough days are not uncommon when you are a single mom. I have to be a mom and a dad. A woman and a man, and sadly I have to be "the man" more than I get to be the woman. The kids have been fighting like cats and dogs only cats and dogs with louder voices and more annoying screaches. Work has been busy, which is a blessing and a curse, of course. Owning my own business has been such a journey. I have learned some really hard lessons, and I am learning about myself more than sometimes I think I would like to. Dave is out of town, and as much as I hate to admit it, that does make things a little more challenging for me. He is a HUGE part of my support system, and we have learned to work and live as a team. Him being gone is an adjustment.
On top of and aside from all of this, I am lonely. This is my least favorite thing to admit to. It makes me feel vulnerable, needy and sort of pathetic. Which is stupid. Everyone is capable of being lonely, from time to time. "Loneliness is the human condition. Don't expect anyone to fill that void. The bst you can do is know what you want, and not let the cattle get in the way" -White Oleander. But alas, I am lonely. It's not exactly anything new to me. I am a single mother, and loneliness is probably pretty constant in my life. Having to be two people for your children is hard. Being counted on for EVERYTHING in their life is draining. I don't have someone to share that burden with and it can get damn heavy sometimes.
Due to responsibility and circumstance, I have to play mother and father, woman and man. But, at the end of the day I am a woman. Sometimes I am just a girl. And I miss that tender embrace of a man. Someone that listens. A chest to rest my head on. That love and that comfort that women need. Sometimes late at night, after the kids are bathed and put to bed, after dinner is put away and the house is picked up, I sit outside on the ground and smoke a cigarette. I turn my face up toward the sky and I talk to the stars. I tell them about my day. I tell them about my fears and my worries. Sometimes I have good news to share, sometimes they watch me silently cry.
Lonely is a place where the night is too quiet and the hours pass too slow. A place where your bed is too big and your words have no ear to slip into. Where your hands are always cold and you collapse against the tile floor instead of into the arms of someone who looks out for you when you are too tired to look out for yourself.
Lonely is a house that only you live in, where people never come to visit.

I am sitting on my couch, listening to The Rolling Stones, letting the feeling of lonely crawl up onto the couch with me, and sing along to all the saddest songs. I am wishing you were here, whoever you are.

Feel Like Makin Love?

Nothing like making out high school style on the couch at 1 a.m. Need a soundtrack? Here is the BEST kissy time mix everrrrr


Crash into Me- Dave Mathews Band
Girl from the North Country- Jimmy LaFave version
Things to Come- The Shins
I'll be your lover too- Van Morrison
Pink Bullets- The Shins
When It Starts to Rain- Jimmy LaFave
Come to California- Ron Pope\
Tangerine- Led Zeppelin
Moonlight Mile- The Rolling Stones
Fireflies- Ron Pope
The Space Between- Dave Mathews Band
The Wind- Cat Stevens
Don't Wanna Cry- Pete Yorn
Don't Confess- Tegan and Sara

Play www.rainymood.com in the background and youre golden. Now remember, this is a more romantic/maudling/slow and intense type make out session music. If youre into something more fast paced and urgent....Watch for the next blog post :)

I'm as mad as a hatter baby, and that aint never gonna change.

Dinnah Time

I love food. This isn't exactly a secret to most people that know me, or have seen my waistline in the last couple years. I love food, and I love to cook, and I especially love eating what I cook with a table full of loved ones. Watching their happy faces as they eat something delicious. Good food brings people together. Food is something we all have in common. We all have to eat! There is nothing better if you ask me, than passing around a good bottle of wine, some nice crusty bread and talking about life, the Universe and everything during a good meal.

Tonight for dinner, I am making my well loved Red Beans and Rice. My family loves this dish, and even the kids ask for seconds. I don't evah evah evah have to say "Sit down, and finish eating!" to my two year old son when this is in front of him!

Red Beans and Rice Recipe:

2 ripe tomatoes (I prefer the vine ripened kind, but whatever suits your fancy)
2 cans of dark red kidney beans, drained
1 lb. sausage (I use kilbasa, but again, whatever suits your fancy)
1/2 white or yellow onion
Minced garlic
Cumin
Salt and Pepper
2 cups white rice prepared

Dice the tomato and cut the sausage into pennies
Chop the onion, and add all of this together to a skillet or frying pan with minced garlic and lots of cumin. I dont do measurements of seasonings, because thats stupid. I like lots of garlic, but season it to your taste.
Fry the sausage until its browned on the edges and the onion is clear
Add this to a sauce pot with the drained kidney beans, 1/2 cup water and a splash of hot sauce
Simmer for 2-3 hours on low
Regularly taste it to see how the flavor is developing. Beans are pretty bland, you will need a decent amount of garlic, cumin, salt and pepper and tobasco.
Serve over hot white rice and enjoy.
*Aside from the rice, this freezes beautifully. Make in advance and freeze for a busy night when you have no time to cook :)

Zuppa Toscana

This is by far my favorite soup and every time I go to Olive Garden I have to get it. I'm not guaranteeing that this recipes tastes exactly like Olive Garden's, but it's still freaking delicious and whenever I make it I spend the entire time I'm eating the first bowl scalding the shit out of my mouth because I'm too impatient to let it cool first.
It tastes that good.


What You Need

1 lb Italian Sausage 

1 onion

Garlic Powder

Onion powder

Oregano

Basil

Salt and pepper

10 cups water

5 chicken bouillon cubes

2 cups heavy whipping cream

6 diced potatoes

1 package frozen spinach

Brown the sausage

Heat the water to a low boil and dissolve the chicken broth cubes in it

Add the potatoes and bring just to a boil

Reduce heat and simmer til potatoes are soft
Add sausage and continue simmering
Heat 1 tbs Olive Oil and 1 tbs butter and 1 tbs minced garlic in a skillet and saute frozen spinach until it's hot
Add to soup and simmer another 10 minutes

Add  heavy cream and reduced to the lowest setting or cover and turn the heat off leaving the pan on the burner
I usually let it sit like that while I heat garlic bread and mix a salad, then serve it.
The longer it has to heat together the more the flavors come out, but be careful not to let it boil once the cream is added.

The seasonings are added through out the cooking process, and obviously they're added to your personal taste. I never put measurements for spices in my recipes unless I'm baking.Taste the soup as it cooks and season to your liking. 

Chicken Enchiladas

Today when I picked the kids up from school, Lainie was waiting with her report card for me to sign. It was awesome! She got Outstandings in EVERYTHING! And she was graded beyond her grade level and district average for the personal narrative she had to write at the end of the semester. I was so proud of her!!! As a reward she got to decide what we had for dinner and help make it. She's been really into learning how to cook lately. Lainie picked chicken enchiladas. So thats what she got! The way I make them, they are so easy, fast and delicious. The kids eat 'em up and we rarely have left overs.

Recipe:

12 corn tortillas
Vegitable oil
Minced garlic
Rotisserie Chicken
Onion Chive cream cheese (1 little tub of it)
Shredded mexican cheese
1 can diced green chilis

Heat the vegitable oil in a skillet, just enough to cover the bottom
Fry each tortilla just long enough for them to become soft. DONT FRY THEM GOLDEN BROWN! If they are rigid, they wont roll up into enchiladas. Set them on newspaper to dry and cool
Shred up the chicken, white meat only. There should be plenty for the 12 enchiladas.
Combine the cream cheese, 1 tbsn of minced garlic and chilis in a bowl, and microwave for 1 minute until cheese is soft. Mix well.
Drop one spoonful of the cream cheese mixture onto each tortilla and spread around so the tortilla is coated.
Drop one small handful of shredded chicken onto the tortilla
Add some shredded mexican cheese, and roll up
Place seam side down in a casserole dish and repeat until all the tortillas are rolled.
Smother in one can of Macayos Red Enchilada sauce, or whatever sauce you like. Maybe you make your own sauce, I dont know, but I am cool with the canned stuff when Im in a hurry.
Pull each enchilada slightly away from its neighbor, so the sauce can go between them, and they are nice and drenched in saucy goodness.
Sprinkle the whole dish with some more mexican cheese
Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.
Enjoy with sour cream or greek yogurt.

Amazing!!!

Organizing

Today I went through cleaning my house. Throwing out, donating, sorting, scrubbing, dusting and putting away the mess that has become our home. The accumulation of our life. Kids toys, clothes, books, papers, artwork, work badges, files, CD's, movies and God knows what else. And lots and lots of dust. I really need to dust more. Going through all of this crap, deciding what to keep and what to throw out and where to put it all, I started thinking about my childhood, growing up with my father. My Dad is the pack rat to end all packrats. He doesnt necessarily hoard, although I dont know the technical definition of a hoarder. He just saves. EVERYTHING. He still has report cards from when my sisters and brother and I were in Elementary School. He has papers we scribbled on, short stories we wrote, pictures of people he doesnt remember, broken things, dirty crappy things that he will never use, stuff he hasnt used in 20 years, clothes he doesnt/cant wear. He has TWO APARTMENTS full of shit. And most of it is exactly that: shit. He does have an extensive movie collection, and alot of good artwork, but still. He has so much stuff.
I have always been terrified of being like him. Whenever I move out of a place, I throw away so much stuff. I leave alot behind. Every time I clean, I throw something out. I wonder what sentimentallity is really worth. Do we hold onto these things because we love them? Even though we never look at them? Or do we hold on out of fear? Fear that we will never have good moments again. Never have a happy memory. Something that sweet and tender and wonderful will never come our way again, so we have to hold onto to every little scrap of evidence of every good day in our lives.

Do I throw things away because I dont want to remember? Or because the clutter drives me crazy?
What memories do I want to hold onto, and what memories am I running away from?
Is sentimentality just the working off on ourselves of feelings we haven't really got anymore?

Pictures, notes, letters, T-Shirts from old boyfriends, pictures my children drew. These are things I can never bring myself to throw out.

"How happy is the blameless vessel's lot.
The world forgetting by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned." -Alexander Pope

Extending Love

Some people can be so selfish and hurtful. I wonder how they justify their terrible actions to themselves. Do they really think they are right? Do they really think that it is ok to treat people the way they do? Lately, God has been testing me. I have had several people who I considered myself close to at one time or another, throw some curve ball my way that shocked, annoyed and hurt me, not to mention made me incredibly angry. I am trying hard to let it roll off my back. Not worry about what is to come, and focus on the here and now, and just remember that Karma takes care of those that look out only for themselves. Maybe this is my Karma. Have I not been kind and open hearted enough? Have I been selfish and hasty and unkind? Its possible. I am learning now for not the first time how that feels, and I am taking the lesson to heart this time.
We need to be gentle with each other. Extend love and forgiveness and understanding rather than quick judgment and anger. Forgive one another for their human weakness and give grace to those who clearly need it.
If I wish to change the world, I have to start with changing myself. Looking out for those around me, and understanding that they too have struggles and fears and wounds and need love too. They need a little forgiveness and grace just like I do.
Maybe if I extend what I need from others to others, I will get what I need in return. Maybe I won't. But I will be something good. Even to those I don't feel deserve it.
But doesnt everybody deserve it? Dont we all deserve a break? For someone to just love us and forgive us? We all certainly need it.

Extend love rather than pass judgment. Give forgiveness rather than spite and revenge. Open your heart and love even when it hurts and makes you angry. Maybe you will get a little back. I am hoping I will anyway.

Only Human

You know what guys? I am only human! I am ONE PERSON, and everything in my big life depends on little old me. There is no one to shoulder this load with me, so please, please can someone somewhere sometime just CUT ME A F&%$ING BREAK?! I would appreciate it. I make mistakes, I have situations and circumstances that are out of my control, and sometimes there is only so much I can do. I would appreciate a little grace, a little understanding and some breathing room! Pretty please with love and sunshine and sugar plums on top.

This has been a day from hell. Im just banging my shins and bumping my head and tripping all over my life today. I could use a hug. And a drink!

Fighting Kids!

Oh. MY. G O D!!!!! I cannot TAKE the fighting anymore! It is constant. Jack and Lainie go at it all the time. Literally, they wake me up in the morning, complaining in unison about something the one of them did. "Mom he won't share!" "Mom, Lainie won't stop bossing me!" M O O O O M M M !!!!!!!! Shut up!! I don't want to hear it, you guys work it out or you're both going back to bed!!!! Ugh. I hate the fighting, it drives me crazy. I never imagined how much a 7 year old could fight with a 2 year old. I thought it was just him who would want everything she picked up to play with but NO! She does the exact same thing. Any time he has anything that he's playing with, she wants it too, and expects him to hand it over and thats called sharing. But if he even LOOKS at one of her toys, all hell breaks loose.

I better have some coffee and enjoy the current silence as they play queitly in seperate rooms, because it won't last long. And then the fighting will resume, and once again I will be praying to the nap time Gods for 12:30 to come as soon as possible.

How do parents of several kids do it?! Do their kids not fight? That doesn't seem possible. Do they start drinking earlier in the day than I do?....well maybe.

Happy New Year

I dont write here enough. I hate that. I want to write more, but I dont think anyone even reads this blog, so I dont always feel motivated enough. But here goes.

So its that time again! New Years day. Its uncommonly cold here in AZ. A pure crystaline day with bright blue skies and soft puffs of white clouds. A nice 40 degrees out. I did my first consultation of the new year! A lovely couple who is funny, kind and interesting. I am keeping my fingers crossed tightly.
I made New Years resolutions. I dont know if I will keep them, but I hope I do. As I grow up more and more every day, I become more and more determined to improve my life. To have a better life than the lives of the people I come from. Better than the examples set for me. Joy, happiness, comfort and stability. A happy life for my children. I am striving for this daily. Succeeding? Maybe.

Resolutions:

• Organize my crazy house. Find a place for everything, finally!
• Save money. Make a budget and stick to it so I can finally see whether my business is profitable or not! :)
• Enjoy my life for what it is. Find joy and peace and happiness amidst the craziness, the mess and the struggle. Find that silver lining, and let it shine on me and mine.

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year, and I hope you made some resolutions. I hope you still have that hope alive in yourself, that you CAN improve and change and grow and constantly move forward. It doesn't matter if you don't get it all right. Just keep that hope and faith alive :)

You can't start a fire without a spark
Even if we're just dancin in the dark