Relationships and other things that give me nightmares

Relationship: re-la-tion-ship: the way in which two or more concepts, objects or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

Otherwise known as the thing I suck at.

Historically, relationships don't work out well for me. At all. They start out ok, quickly begin deteriorating, then end badly in a big burning pile of shit. It's not pretty, and it usually hurts like hell. Relationships scare me, to be completely honest. It's not just the potential to be hurt, because I honestly believe if something is really worth the doing, it's worth the risk of getting hurt by it. Some people love riding bulls, flying airplanes, planting cactus gardens, etc. I don't need to point out the potential for personal injury here. If you love it, if it's in your blood, it's worth the possible broken bones, bleeding cuts and lost limbs. Emotionally or physically, it doesn't matter. It's worth it to me.

Relationships scare me for far different reasons. They scare me more because of the huge potential for me to fuck up. And when I fuck up, I fuck up big. They scare me because I am nearly incapable of giving up on people who mean a lot to me, and when relationships end, I'm always the self destructive asshole who wants to be friends. They scare me because they could possibly go well. They could be wonderful, and amazing and bring all the happiness and joy that sharing your life with the right person is supposed to bring, and then I will fuck it up. Once it's perfect, and everything I ever wanted, thats the point where I will bring it all crashing down. Because that's the dysfunctional way I roll, son.

At this current juncture, I am dating someone that I wanted to be with for over two years. Someone who is sweet and kind and attentive and generous and funny and affectionate and a million other things that I completely adore. Even when I'm in a shitty mood, as soon as I see him I can't help smiling. Waking up next to him makes waking up at an unholy hour on Sunday morning worth it-mostly. Do you have any idea how much being this happy scares me? More than flying, more than swimming with sharks with a bleeding leg, more than being so far out in the ocean that I can't see more than 3 inches under the water, more than ventriloquist dummies, ladders and down escalators. It terrifies me.

The morning after any night that I spend with him, feels like the first few minutes after sex with a new person. "Did he enjoy it as much as I did? I had an amazing time, but what if he's laying there thinking that I am insufferable, and he can't wait for me to leave?" The trip to Vegas together was possibly one of the scariest things I've ever done. I had to be alone with him for two whole days, and hope that at the end of it, he didn't see some side of me that he couldn't stand, or realize I am the most annoying person in the world.

What is it about the potential to be truly happy that makes me pee my pants and cry like a little girl? Oh no! Someone I could possibly develop a healthy and happy relationship with! RUN! Oh dear God! Someone who is nice to me and treats me well, and seems to genuinely enjoy my company! He must be hiding something. He probably secretly hates me and just doesn't know how to tell me. Sweet mother Mary and little baby Jesus! I'm happy. Only a matter of time until I fuck it up and it all falls apart.

Is it knowing that losing something good will hurt more than losing something shitty, that makes this all so scary?

What kind of terrible character flaw makes a person so scared and distrustful of genuine happiness, that they are honestly surprised when they go another week without their fantastic boyfriend breaking up with them?

I'm not perfect, I know that. I mean come on, my dad is bipolar, my mom was a stark raving drunk, I don't talk to like 90% of my family, my exboyfriend fake died on me, then called me at two a.m. a year later from a bar, half wasted wanting to sleep with me. And I'm such a pushover, I still talk to him! I'm still convinced he wants to be friends! Can you spell L-O-S-E-R?! I am surrounded by crazy people, I come from less than nothing and I am so far from perfect, perfect isn't even a mirage on the horizon anymore. But there are good things about me too. I'm funny, I'm fiercely loyal, I love with all my heart and to the very fucking end, I would do anything for the people I care about, and on my better days I am pretty damn smart too. I deserve love, and to be happy.

But for whatever reason, I am so shit scared of it, I've spent the last 23 years and 10 months running from it, and now that it's staring me in the face, I don't know how to act. I feel like I'm standing in front of a crowd of people, about to publicly speak for the first time, and I have no idea what to do with my hands.

Hey, I never said I was good at this.

10 Things I Hope My Neighbors Didn't Hear Me Say This Week

It's been a pretty long week. Being in Vegas all weekend apparently took a lot out of me, and I spent the first half of this week being completely exhausted and totally out of it. Couple that with being home alone with the kids, and it was a recipe for a schmidt losing disaster.

It wasn't all bad though. I did manage to say plenty of spaztastic shit to my kids, that taken out of context or overheard by my neighbors, could sound.....exactly as fucked up as they are. No one told me that being a parent meant saying things like "Take that hose out of your mouth!" or "Why are you peeing on that?" But apparently it does. Here is the top 10 fucktarded things I really hope my neighbors didn't hear my say over the last week.

10. "How many times do I have to tell you NOT TO LICK THAT?!"

9. "It's NAPTIME, not pee all over everything time!"

8. "If you don't stop fighting over it, I will set it on fire, so help me God!"

7. "Is that chocolate or poop?!"

6. "Did you just fart on my hand?"

5. "Do you want to get locked in the pantry again?!" <--this one sounds exceptionally bad. After The Jedi got stuck in the pantry, I told him not to play in there. He did anyway, and I was honestly asking him if he wanted to lock himself in again. I have never personally locked my children in a pantry. The closet on the other hand......

4. "Are those tampons yours? No? Then stop putting them up your nose!"

3. "Why do you have to get naked to use the bathroom?"

2. "Where in God's name are your pants?"

1. "They are boobs! Not punching bags!"

Happy Friday Everybody!

Hobo Dinner-OR Living Room Picnics

Considering the fact that my babies are over 4 years apart, and that one is a boy and one is a girl, you can probably imagine how completely effing IMPOSSIBLE it can be to find something they both want to do/watch/eat/play/etc. etc. etc. I feel like Don King sometimes, reffing their fights, sending them off to their corners and rocking weird hair styles.

One thing that me and both my kids all unanimously agree on is Hobo Dinner. If the term Hobo Dinner offends you, you are also welcome to call it Living Room Picnics. But I called it hobo dinner when I was growing up, my kids call it that, and much like the disgusting soup called "Hobo Stew" it doesn't offend me at all. So loosen up and follow along.

Hobo Dinner is a night during the week where for several different reasons, we don't feel like cooking. Summer seems to come with more of these days than any other season. It's fucking hot! The kitchen is small, it heats up like the seventh level of hell when you turn the oven on, and seriously, when you just came in from 100 degree heat, who the HELL wants to ingest a big heavy hot dinner? Ummm no one, that just sounds disgusting. Rather than eating out, we head to the store and get a bunch of our absolute favorite finger foods. The things that always make our list is the following:

Smart Puffs White Cheddar Cheese Puffs. Healthy, no trans fat, sugar or high fructose corn syrup. And delicious!

Caprese is an absolute favorite in this family. It's ridiculously easy and to die for delicious.

Naked Green Machine Smoothies. Full of super foods to boost the immune system and in the eternal words of Tiny "It's cool that it looks so weird but tastes so good!" We call it Dragon Juice in our house :)

Mezzetta Napa Valley Bistro Garlic Stuffed olives. Garlic is an awesome source of immune boosters and helps lower your cholesterol. And yes, my kids eat these. They love them.

Laughing Cow Cheese is dangerously delicious and super fun. The little individually wrapped wedges of cheese mean that no one has to share or wait for someone else to pass them anything. I hand out everyone's wedges, and they open and enjoy them at their leisure. Spread it on crackers, bread, apples or just eat 'em. They're awesome.

This is probably the weirdest one. Our grocery store sells these awesome little packs of fresh California rolls in all different varieties, and they're even really cheap! My kids surprisingly enough love sushi, and this is the most convenient way to get it to them. I'm sorry, I am just NOT taking a seven year old and a three year old into RA Sushi in Scottsdale, and hoping for the best!

This is our hobo dinner, the way we like it. Sometimes we add hard salami or french bread if we're in the mood. Pita and hummus have made appearances too, but these are our go to's whenever a cold, easy, delicious finger food filled living room floor hobo dinner calls our name. It's a fun, cheap and easy way to spend time with my kids in a moment where we all get what we want AND get along. After hobo dinner, we turn a movie on, and lay around on the floor feeling very stuffed and very happy. You can't buy memories like that, or moments like these.

Have a hobo dinner tonight :)

The Trip!

What a trip. I just got home from Vegas, literally like 10 minutes ago, and as exhausted as I am and as desperately as I want a shower, a nightshirt and a long nap, I also felt like I needed to write this all down while it was still fresh on my mind and in my heart.

Vegas was amazing, to say it as shortly and simply as possible. Amazing really doesn't touch it though. I spent two whole days with my still very new boyfriend, even though I've known him for a long time, and I honestly couldn't have been happier or more relaxed the entire time. We walked around, had good food, napped together, drank, laughed, made ridiculous jokes and spent some pretty awesome quality time together all alone with no kids, work, or distractions period. In fact the only time we turned on the T.V. was to use it to check out. Heaven.

We flew there in Batman's plane, which was definitely the smallest plane I've ever flown on, so I was super nervous before we left. I had never flown with him before, I had never been on a plane that small, and a two hour flight for my very FIRST FLIGHT seemed totally out of my league. I was sure I was going to vomit everywhere, have a huge panic attack and Batman would never speak to me again. But it was actually super cool! That little plane kind of kicks ass. It's fun, and it's intimate. I got to sit right next to Batman the entire time and talk to him on a super fancy headset that I'm sure made me look sexy, and see everything we were flying over. Batman was also amazing at making me feel safe. He explained everything to me before it happened, and even gave me a kiss for good luck right before we took off. What a guy :)

Just to give you an idea, this isn't his plane, but it's basically the same thing:

So of all the things I was scare of about going on my first vacation with Batman, the flight was like #1 on my list. Once that was done and I realized that it was actually really fun, it was on to the rest of the shit that had been given me anxiety pretty much ever since we set a date for our trip.

We stayed at the New York New York Hotel. I had never been there, but it was really cool! Of all the hotels and casinos we walked through, the New York New York was the only one that didn't look identical to everything else we saw. It was really original, and a pretty fun atmosphere, although really smoky just like everywhere else in Vegas. I haven't smoked since I got sick almost a week ago, and man just a few days without smoking makes you realize how strong cigarette smoke is. After this trip, I am not even the least bit tempted to smoke again. That's saying something, cuz as disgusting as it sounds, I really liked smoking. Anyway! Back to the story. This was our room:

And yes, that is totally a jacuzzi in the corner. Awesome! I L-O-V-E hot tubs. Especially ones that are like 5 feet from my bed :) We had a pretty sweet time in this room, to say the least! ;)

This might sound lame, but we didn't see any shows, we didn't eat at a bunch of different restaurants, (a burger place and P.F. Changs, room service and then the Henderson Airport Cafe) we didn't gamble at all really, except one huge slot machine that we played long enough to make 20 bucks and then cashed out, and we didn't even go to the Pawn Shop that Batman wanted to see from the show Pawn Stars. We walked around a lot, we went to a classic car show, we ordered room service for dinner our last night there, we went to one bar the first night and two the last night, and even though we got drunk (really drunk, and possibly roofied) at the bar we went to the last night we were there, we still went back to the room early and were in bed by 11:30. That might sound lame to you, but to me, this was one of the best trips I have ever been on in my life.

We got lost looking for a car show and laughed at how silly we were. We wandered through a dirty casino and sat on the floor together in a gift shop. We picked out our favorite cars, and tried to guess what the other person would order for dinner. We shared some orange peel chicken and had a cool private booth and a bitchy waitress at P.F. Changs. We had a lot of small, sweet moments that I will remember for a long time.

I think what made it so amazing is that Batman is a really kick ass person. He's sweet, and a really old school gentleman in a lot of ways. He opens the door for you, he says please and thank you, he even offers to get up at 5:30 in the morning with a bruised and sprained foot to hobble down the hall and get you water because you're thirsty and hungover. He cares when you're upset, even if it's only a little upset over something small and stupid, and he truly considers your feelings. But he's also really sarcastic, and witty and just fun to be around. It was an awesome trip because I really believe now we could go anywhere together, and do anything (or do nothing!) and still have a really good time.

There is no one else in the world that I would rather walk 6 miles around Vegas with, or get sunburned with, or fly in a tiny plane over the desert with, or be retarded in a jacuzzi with, or get drunk at a bar and talk to smelly Scottish man or weird Canadians and get hit on by British people with. He really is like 95% of what was so cool about this trip. He's the amazing. At least most of it.

I am tired, my ears are ridiculously plugged and refusing to pop, I need a shower and some hard core sleep but I feel completely and totally blessed and way luckier than I deserve. It was a good trip, and it's good to be home. Perfectly. Blessed. (Unfortunately we also didn't take like even 1 picture, which sucks, but I guess that makes the memories that much more precious, right?)

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halleluuuuuuuujah!

FINALLY! After like 4 fucking days my ridiculously sore throat and grotesquely swollen left tonsil is finally better!!!!!

And you know what fixed it?!

Antibiotics? Of course not! It was the following, as told to me by my lovely naturopathic doctor/hippie guru voodoo queen:

1. Massage Grapefruit Essential Oil onto the outside of your throat, directly onto the swollen lymph nodes 3-4 times daily

2. Drink the Green Machine Naked Smoothie, or Green Goddess Bolthouse Smoothie. This shit is packed with Spirulina, Zinc, Garlic, Spinach, and tons of other immune system boosting vitamins and nutrients that kick any infections ass!

3. Up your water intake to some seriously crazy amount, obviously, as you should whenever you get sick PERIOD

4. Increase your Vitamin D and Zinc intake

WORKED LIKE A MURTHER FURKING CHARM! In one day, I am totally healed. As soon as I used the grapefruit essential oil, I felt so much better. Not completely, but so much. Not to be super gross, but I literally felt everything clear up and decongest, and it felt amazing! Anyone that knows me knows how much I hate antifuckingbiotics, and I am all about the natural remedies, and I am always so happy when THEY WORK! Better, faster and safer than alopathic medicine ever has. It's like an In-Your-Face to traditional, Western Medicine.

Ahhhh I am so happy to feel so much better. It is amazing how good "normal" feels after being sick for almost a week. Thank you to naturopathic doctors everywhere! I love you all!!!!!!

Gooooooooodnight! :)

It's Summertime!

So school let out last week, and it is officially summer time in the house of Sarah. Given our new daycare situation, this means that the kids, BOTH kids, will be home with me during the day 3 days out of the normal work week and then there are weekends.

Now, as anxiety inducing as this is, I am prepared to not lose my schmidt! I have armed myself with my "Handy Dandy List of Cool Stuff to do this Summer so Mom Doesn't Kill Everyone!" I may end up shortening the name. But for now! Here she is:

• Living room picnics with all kinds of yumminess and fun finger foods that keep children entertained and quiet
• Netflix movie marathons
• Going to the park and making the kids race each other. It's competitive, it's exercise, and it wears them the f*ck out!
• Handing out copious amounts of ice cream until they shut up or slip into a diabetic coma
• Building a fort out of sheets
• Finding a way to incorporate bacon into the sheet fort
• Bacon fights?
• Grocery store scavenger hunts
• Chasing the ice cream truck
• Chasing the ice cream truck while crying
• Drinking Grown Up juice boxes from Target while hiding in my closet
• Nap time at 9 a.m.
• Teaching Tiny to make Easy Mac and Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for her and her brother when Mommy is too hung over to get out of bed and make breakfast
• 6 p.m. bedtime!
• 10 days in Illinois and Michigan with The Roomie and his huge family, AKA, other people who want to spend time entertaining my kids while I get drunk in the backyard
• And if all else fails, and we are all 3 still ready to lose our schmidt and hurt each other, there is always the old standby of: Lots and lots of overnights at Grandma's house!

Happy Mother F*cking Summer Everybody!

Pre Vegas Freakout

So my trip to Vegas is coming up faster than I initially expected. We are leaving around 4ish on Saturday, which means I literally leave in like 42 hours and 32 minutes from right. now. To be honest, I'm starting to freak out a little for a couple different reasons.

1. I have never, ever been out of town with Batman before, and our relationship is still super new. Vacations with a new boyfriend always feel like a lot of pressure to me. I mean, who wants to keep dating someone who they can't have kick ass vacations with?! So it has to be an amazing time, without being too much pressure, and without being too exhausting, and it all gets to be so fucking overwhelming, it's like meeting their parents but more important. This is Vegas we're talking about here.

2. This being our first vacation together, AND this still being a new relationship, one can probably safely assume we have never spent more than like 1 day together. Possibly not even that. I mean, he works, I work, he has kids, I have kids, we're busy people. We have our ritual Saturday night date, and sometimes we have lunch together during the week, but as of right now, we don't get a ton of time together outside of that. This is the first time we will be together for an extended period of time, and I am kind of super nervous. What if I am like really sour candy that's fun in small doses, but after like hour 15, I start to make your tongue bleed?

3. There is a pool at the hotel, and I may or may not be expected to swim in it in Batman's presence. Let's get one thing perfectly straight here: I had Tiny at 16, which means my body bounced back like a fucking bungee jumper. I used to rock my awesome flat tummy and still slightly perky boobs, and I had NO CELLULITE mother fuckers. None. Now, Jedi was huge, my pregnancy with him was hard, and compounded with bedrest and a terrible relationship that caused me to eat my feelings of worthlessness daily, I looked like a fucking trainwreck when I was done being pregnant with him. And guess what? Since the day I delivered his chunkiness, I have lost 6 pounds. He's 3. Ya. Who's got the Xanax?!

4. I have been sort of sick the last few days with this weird swollen tonsil thing that is making it super duper painful every time I swallow anything, and generally bugging the crap out of me. I don't have a fever, and I'm not super tired anymore, so theoretically I can still go to Vegas, but my throat still does hurt, I have no idea if I'm contagious and getting shit faced wasted seems like it would probably make the situation worse. Plus, and not to be way too TMI here, I have absolutely no desire to give....mouth love....with this freakin egg in the side of my neck. How do you properly thank a person for an awesome vacation in Vegas without giving them mouth love?!

These are the biggest causes of my momentary, totally meaningless and completely unjustified freak out over going on vacation with my super cool boyfriend. I mean really, who gets freaked out over going on VACATION?! To Vegas of all places?! I am excited, really I am. But I am also a girl, my vagina still functions, my hormones still rage with the best of them, and I still have these moments of freakish insecurity that I could never show my boyfriend, so I word vomit them to the internet at large. That's way healthier, right?.....Right?