Apprenticing, Parenting and Surviving. Somehow.

So, as some of you know, and some of you may not, I am currently a student midwife obtaining my skills to get licensed with the state of Arizona, to be a home birth midwife. This is something I have wanted pretty much obsessively since I was about 6. Yes, 6. I don't think I've ever told the story of how I became obsessed with birth and pregnancy, so I will now. My mom was a nurse, and when I was little I was in love with her nursing school books. The ones with pictures mostly, because, well I was 6 and couldn't understand what they were saying. Pictures of human anatomy fascinated me. All the muscle groups, and how the organs and blood vessels and arteries all worked together. It was just amazing. One day, I stumbled upon a book entirely about the female reproductive system. Mainly it focused on the endocrine system and pregnancy and childbirth. There were these huge glossy, full color pictures of developing fetuses and pregnant women at different stages. And then there were very detailed (Read: graphic) pictures of birth. I. Was. In. Love. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but it was just that feeling that you get when you find something you adore. Probably similar to the feeling people get when they meet their future husband or wife. I don't know exactly what that feels like, but I think this was close. I took the book to school for show and tell, because I thought everyone must find this as amazing as I did. Well, they didn't. I got the book taken away, and my teacher called my mom. When she scolded me for stealing her book, and asked me why I did what I had done, I said sheepishly that I wanted to to do that. "Have a baby?" she asked. "No, help women have babies. Deliver their babies." She smiled and said "So you want to be a doctor?" and I said "NO! I hate doctors" emphatically. She thought for a minute and said "Oh so you want to be a midwife?" YES! Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. It felt so right.

Flash forward 17 years, and I am a single mom, working as a doula and hoping and praying that one day, I can become a midwife. I researched the process. I read everything I could find on how to become a midwife. Everything I found said it starts with an apprenticeship. That means, finding another qualified midwife, and following her to prenatals, births, postpartum visits, newborn exams, everything. Basically being her right hand and her shadow, until you knew how to do what she does, then you do prenatals, births, postpartums and newborn exams under her supervision, for as long as it takes until you are skilled and ready to sit for the 5 state exams needed to become licensed. This process takes years, I knew that. You don't get paid as an apprentice, I knew that. Being an apprentice is hard work, I knew that. But I was ready. I wanted this more than anything, and if it was going to take 3-5 years to finish an apprenticeship, I didn't want to wait another 3-5 years just to start. So, I started looking for a midwife who needed a student to help her out on births and in her office.

After about 2 months of looking, I found an amazing midwife. She is sweet, she is supportive and funny, and everything I was looking for in a midwife. I was in love. On February 24th, 2011, I started my apprenticeship with all the excitement of a new bride about to get married.

Over the last two months, I have been working with my own clients who hired me as their doula, and raising my kids, and keeping my house clean, and feeding and loving and raising my little family, and apprenticing to the best of my ability, all on my own. It's been hard. There have been times I have been so tired and overwhelmed I have wondered how I will keep this up for three years. Possibly longer. I need to observe so many births, I need to catch so many babies, I need to observe and perform so many prenatal visits, I need to examine so many newborns, PLUS know the state rules and regulations by heart, PLUS know the inner workings of a normal, healthy woman's body during conception, pregnancy and postpartum. I need to recognize and know how to respond to emergencies, etc., etc., etc. And, I still need to make money. I gotta bring in income to feed my family and pay our bills. Oh. My. God. Can you say OVERWHELMING?! So far, I've done a pretty good job, and things have been ok. I've brought in enough money to feed the kids and pay our rent and keep gas in the car and the lights on. Not much else, but hell I've kept us alive!

Well, just when you think you've got it together, life throws you a tester. A curve ball. A right hook to the chin and a left fist to the gut. Just, ya know, for kicks. Just to see if you keep standing. On May 9th, I will lose my government assistance for daycare for the kids. This means, I will not be able to afford to keep The Jedi in preschool, and Tiny in afterschool care. Daycare is fucking expensive. Just for The Jedi, JUST FOR HIM, it costs $140.00 a week. Once Tiny is out of school for the summer, she will be an extra $95.00 a week. That's $235.00 A WEEK! That's $940.00 a month. Holy shit. I just do NOT have that kind of money! So what do I do with the kids while I am either in my preceptor's office getting the numbers I need for my licensing, or meeting with my own clients, or attending births during the day? Where do I take the kids? I sure as hell can't take them with me! And even if I quit all of this, even if I closed my business and ended my apprenticeship, putting all of this on hold for later when both kids are in school all day, how do I work any other job? I can't just go out and get a job that will pay enough to make it possible to swing a nearly $1000.00 a month daycare bill. My other bills are 1200 a month by themselves.

I am at a loss here, and totally scared. These governmental budget cuts could kill me. How will I support us, if I don't have childcare to go to work? And I don't exactly know any super rich people who can just give me $940.00 to pay for daycare. And I do NOT have a super rich husband either who can support me while I apprentice. I have been praying hard the last few days for an answer. For some kind of indication of what I am supposed to do here. I just don't know what my options are. I don't know what to do.

I am confident that we will find a way around this because somehow, I always do find a way. I wish I had family that could help out. I wish I had some awesome stay at home mom friend who could take my kids a couple days a week. But I don't. So I am reaching into my magic hat and hoping to pull out a Mary Poppins who will work for a hot meal. I am praying for some help.

Wish us luck.

Comfortably Numb?

Wow. What a wild couple of weeks it's been. We all know about last week, the thunderstorm of babies. And then the weekend, full of helping my preceptor move, taking care of kids, getting blown off by my Roomie, preparing for Easter and trying not to lose my schmidt (and that was just Saturday!) Then Easter actually came, and it was exhausting and annoying and drained the very last bit of life juice I had, so I got all stabitty and started yelling at everyone. Neat.

This week has been equally excellent and world shattering. I have been doing my best to cope like a big girl, and I honestly think so far, I've done a pretty awesome job. I mean, not to toot my own horn (do you know I hate that expression?! I don't even know why I just said it...) but I think I have handled that last two weeks with a lot of courage and grace, and I am really super proud of myself for not going totally postal, or stabbing anything with a pulse, or vandalizing any cars just because they resemble the car that Batman drives.

I haven't made any sudden changes or drastic, last minute decisions. I haven't deleted Batman's number and told him to stay the fuck away from me and don't call anymore. I haven't really said anything mean, or harbored any super angry thoughts toward him at all. He's just been too cool about everything, and too kind and supportive, and I really do miss being his friend a lot. I even thought about hanging out with him this Saturday, until I realized that was the stupidest idea I had ever had.

I am wondering if I really am making stellar progress toward getting over him, and if I really am like the strongest, most patient person in the world who apparently no longer needs to eat or sleep and can live on coffee and saltines alone, or if it's something else. Have I not had any major Target style freak outs in the last two weeks because I am just.......numb? Have I moved back behind my little brick wall of denied feelings to take cover from the stress, the rejection, the anxiety, the endless list of things to do, the outrageous lack of sleep, the constant pressure and the mind numbing loneliness, in order to protect whatever is still left of my tenderness and open, giving sensitivity? Have I closed off?

Even if I have, I don't know for sure that right now, at this point in my life, that would be a bad thing. It would just be something that happened. My heart's way of protecting itself, right? Am I kidding myself though? Am I really doing pretty much fine, and coping amazingly well with what I have been given in the last 12 days, or am I just living off instinct, shifting into survival mode, and not letting anything get close enough to phase me?

It's just......interesting, is all.

Attack of the Ninja Sadness

This being my first official day as a 100% single, and newly broken hearted person, I was definitely curious about how I would handle it. Last night was....not pretty. I cried, I sang Joni Mitchell really loudly, I drank and entire bottle of $5.00 white wine from Target- Classy! And I generally felt awful. I was so fortunate though that Batman and I are friends, and have always been friends first before anything else. We talked. We actually had a really good conversation (I think, I mean I was bombed, but it felt nice) and opened up about how we both felt, and exactly what we both needed, and promised to be friends and be there for each other. It was actually very sweet, and made me feel like there is no way I could ever hate him for any of this, because he is just being so fucking cool about it. And genuinely kind.

Today I woke up severely dehydrated and slightly hung over, but other than that, I felt fine. Emotionally and mentally, I was rock solid. I felt like this was no big deal, I would still have Batman in my life as a good, close friend, and we would be stronger for what we went through together over the last two years. I felt like I was looking forward to the brand new day ahead of me. Someone should have punched me in the jeans and told me to wake the fuck up and smell the rejection. This feeling wasn't going to last forever. It didn't.

I don't know what exactly caused the snap, but somewhere around 3 p.m., I just lost it. I was overcome with sleepiness, the kind of sleepiness where you just know it's because you're terribly depressed and your bed is your only friend, and I felt on the verge of tears. I laid down, and upon waking at 4:30 p.m., instantly began sobbing uncontrollably, AGAIN! The Roomie came home around this time, and patted my head and hugged me, and started getting ready for his second job. I followed him upstairs pathetically, begging him to call in sick from his second job and babysit me. For the love of antidepressants, I was pathetic. I was a mess. He should have slapped me and told me to get a hold of myself! But he was just so nice about it. He didn't call in, but he did hug me before he left, and promised to try to come home early. He told me I would be ok. That I had a big sad right now, but I have some strength inside me too, I just don't feel it right now. He was a good friend. I was too stubborn to be comforted though, so I just pouted and yelled "Well I'm not fucking cooking!" and then took the kids to Sweet Tomato's. Their soups are just so rich and comforting.

I hate ninja sadness. It sneaks up on you when you think you finally get a handle on things. It kicks you in the balls just as you smile for the first time after hours of endless crying, and it is possibly more crushing and debilitating than the initial sadness you felt when this nightmare began, because it came even more out of nowhere, right when you were enjoying feeling normal again. It's a sucker punch.

Missing Batman is a complicated emotion. We were never "officially together" but that is a term I don't even completely understand, because relationships are all so different, personal, and illogical anyway. Batman and I didn't do things like other couples did, but we were together in our own way, and in so many different ways, for a long time. For two years. It really is hard to believe that I won't ever kiss him again, or sleep beside him in his bed. It's even harder and more crushing to think about the fact that he will start dating someone else. He might fall in love with that someone else. He might marry that someone else, and I will be reminded all over again, that as much as I loved him (and I really did love him alot) I wasn't right for him. And that sucks. Because I think we both really wanted to be right for each other, and fall in love with each other, because things between us were so effortless, comfortable and happy. Missing him is also weird, because I know we will always be friends. It's not like he's just gone from my life, we just won't have sexy time anymore. But I also have to let go of the hope I had that we would be together for along time. The hope I had that he loved me back, and that I was indescribably special to him. The hope that it wasn't me, he just wasn't ready. I have to give up, let go, move on and stop loving him and wanting to be with him. I have to find somebody else (*shudder*)

It's overwhelmingly sad to even write about. Sometimes it just really sucks when the heart decides it knows better than everybody else, and nobody gets what they wanted.

I miss Batman. I has a big sad.

Top Ten Things I Have Learned About Breaking Up

Breaking up is hard to do, and there are many, many reasons that it sometimes has to be done. I don't know how proud I should or shouldn't be to admit that I have done my share of breaking up, both as the dumper and the dumped. My lessons in love gone bad, and finding out you were never loved at all have taught me much. This morning, as I nurse a hang over from drinking an entire bottle of cheap white wine and smoking too many cigarettes while I licked my fresh break up wounds, I would like to share my knowledge with you. Enjoy. And please stop breathing so loud, I have a headache.

1. Music will save you. Joni Mitchell, Tori Amos, Tracy Bonham, Bright Eyes and Jackson Brown are just some of my personal break up favorites. Stay away from Van Morrison though. He's lethal.
2. Chocolate helps.
3. Don't push yourself toward being friends before you're ready. First of all, not ALL ex's are meant to be friends. Some of them just shouldn't be allowed within 200 yards of each other's person, home or work place. Seriously. But, even if you and your ex really truly should be friends, either because you were super amazing friends before dating and still respect and admire each other that way, or because you have children together, then go at a comfortable pace. Don't agree to see a movie together next weekend, and don't pretend like you won't hate the other person, even for like 5 minutes. You will. Be honest about that. If they truly want to be your friend, they will stick around and tough it out, and be there for you when appropriate.
4. Wine is your friend. Really. You have one night, just ONE NIGHT, which is usually the night you get dumped, or at least the night you accept that it's really over, to get completely and totally piss pants wasted. Don't squander that gift! Buy some boxed wine, throw the Joni Mitchell on and call a drinking buddy over for a good cry fest. You need it, trust me.
5. Cry. Just go ahead and cry. Try not to do it too loudly if you're in public, but regardless, shed those tears. It helps. Really.
6. Those tiny packages of Kleenex are fucking useless. They just dissolve when they hit a drop of liquid, and tears magically turn them into little snotty fuzz balls that stick to your face and make you feel itchy and pissed off. Charmin toilet paper is the way to go. Trust me.
7. Drink water. Crying is super dehydrating and the last thing you need right now is a huge headache. Drink water and wine.
8. For the love of God eat something.
9. Your friends really will be there if you ask them. But you have to tell them exactly what you need from them. Don't expect your ex to be there for you, I mean they just either dumped you or got dumped by you. They may not give a shit about comforting you right now. They're hurting too. If you two somehow are really able to be there for each other, and talk and open up about what went wrong and why, then you are already building on a stable post break up friendship. Congrats.
10. It might hurt a little bit, forever. I'm being totally honest when I say this, because I am here to teach you something, right? I didn't get out of bed with this hangover for nothing, asshole. I know everyone says "It won't hurt forever" or "You'll get over that douche bag and find someone so much better and forget all about him" Ya, that's true if he really was a douche bag. But not relationships end because of out right douchery. Not all relationships end with one of you getting completely fucked over, and if you really, really, really, I mean REALLY loved the person you've given up or lost, it just might sting a little bit forever. You probably won't forget them, I can guarantee you don't want to forget them, and even though you will find someone better for you, you will probably always miss certain things about being with that other person. That's just the way love is. But you WILL be ok. You will make it through it, and you will be a smarter, stronger and more awesome person for it.

"You're the color of the sky reflected in each store front window pane. You're the whispering and the sighing of my tires in the rain. You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost in everything I do. And I'll never stop looking for you. In the sunlight and the shadows, in the faces on the avenue. That's the way love is. That's the way love is." -Jackson Browne, Sky Blue and Black

I'm gonna miss a little something about being with you for a long time. If not forever.

Depressed enough to quote Twilight....f*ck me

Time passes.

Even when it seems impossible.

Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise.

It passes unevenly,

In strange lurches and dragging lulls,

But pass it does. even for me

La Fin

Another day of dancing through this crazy life in pitch black darkness. Swaying to the unpredictable beat, and hoping we all make it out alive. There are moments of intense sadness, grief and mourning when there has been no death. There are moments of such surprising and exceptional tenderness. A brief bit of levity. Laughing loudly as tears stream down our cheeks, and we drink our beer and stare out into the unknown, letting the darkness of uncertainty swallow us again.

I have these brief flashes of clarity in my mind. Moments where I know the truth so intimately I can't pretend any longer that I don't. I used to push these flashes of clarity and light from my mind, and continue on, blissful in my ignorance as I swam in some self destructive happiness. It got me nowhere, it helped no one. It only delayed disaster, it never prevented it. It never kept the end from coming, exactly as I knew it would. And the end never hurt any less. As I grow older, and pretend that I am much wiser, I've learned to embrace the moments where truth and honesty come to stare me in the face so vividly. I try to make myself appreciate them, but it's always so disappointing that I just can't.

I know the end when I see it. I know the feeling of something slowly dying, as the last ragged breaths touch my neck, and the wrinkled, papery hand of something withering away clutches mine. I am like a child. I try to hide from the end. I try to look past all the brown and falling leaves, to embrace the fragile roots of a lifeless tree. I hope it's not too late, I hope that things will change, I hope that I won't have to say goodbye and turn away. I hope for things I can't ever have, like a selfish fool hopes for riches they could never spend.

Something is dying. Something is breathing it's last breaths and slipping away. It's taking me with it, I'm afraid. Because I can't let go. I am spiraling through the 5 stages of grief as if they were the seven levels of Hell, and I feel like I am in free fall. Maybe I just never imagined it hurting so Goddamn much.

The end of a relationship is a death only two people know about. A whole life is lost. All the things we did, all the words we said. All the fights, and the kisses, and the moments of tenderness we shared together, in a world that was burning down to cinders. I don't know how to move on when there is no funeral, no body to bury, but I feel just like someone has died. We died. Our fragile roots withered and dry, choked by our rigidness. Our refusal to bend and give into one another. To come together and give up anything for the sake of all this love. This wasted love.

Something is dying, but I can't look away. Something in here is dying. It's us, my love. It's you and I.

And I don't know what it will be like without you.

Chocolate Walmart Bunnies

Well, this week just keeps getting more and more interesting, now doesn't it? I know that last night I told all of you that I had attended 3 births in 60 hours, and I went on and on all whiny and stuff about how tired I was and how hard my ass had been kicked, but I spoke too soon. Yes. Oh YES. I got called out again last night to ANOTHER BIRTH! It is raining fucking babies this week, and I for one am seriously wondering what the hell is going on. Luckily the birth was fast. I mean, hella fast. As in, the baby was born in the car on the way to the hospital, before I or anyone else could get to them. They transferred into the hospital where I met them, helped mom breastfeed and left. Home and back in back before 5 a.m. Not so bad, but still, WTF?!

Anyway, so my crazy week continued today without fail, as I dealt with stupid family stuff, had the kids with me all morning thanks to no school the Friday before Easter (@!#$@$%) finished a placenta, dropped the kids off at daycare, and went to my midwife's office for an afternoon of meetings and taking care of her baby. Thank God the kids are visiting family and friends tonight, because I was getting all kinds of stabbitty and crazy by dinner time.

Alas, tonight I have the house to myself, which is completely wrecked, of course. I wasn't here for like 5 fucking days, what did I expect? One adult and two children left unattended by any womanly presence for that amount of time adds up to one trailer park after a hurricane type mess. In the process of trying to decide what to do with my sudden alone time, which I like so never have any of, I made a nifty little To Do list. See how crafty and organized I am? Due to lack of sleep, way too much caffeine, and going several days without any type of real food in my system, my To Do list was a bit whacktacular. It looked like this:

• Clean shit hole house
• Finish the dishes that have been in the sink since Saturday night
• Put deodorant on
• Make goats
• Find Santa
• Watch Harry Potter
• Read Twilight
• Burn laundry
• Buy shit for Easter
• Cry

I got overwhelmed and a little bored while making my list, so I decided to abandon it and just go get Easter shit. This should be fun, I thought to myself. Going on a little shopping trip by myself, no kids, getting fun holiday stuff ( I LOVE pointless, meaningless holiday traditions). As I headed out the door for the 900th time this week in my gross black yoga pants and old as dirt The Who t-shirt, I wondered if I should make a list of stuff to buy. Nope, I thought. I totally got this. Ya. Not. I wandered the isles of the Super Walmart (oh how I hate the super walmart) bored, sleepy and completely confused. They moved stuff around since the last time I was there, which may have been over a year ago, and I couldn't find a fucking thing. It's like a new game they play with customers called "Find Shit!" which is almost as fun as "Find an Employee Who Gives a Shit!" You really can't win either game, but they like watching us play. What this all amounted to was me coming home with enough candy to successfully give my poor kids diabetes before either of them hit puberty, and enough eggs and egg dye to keep the entire family busy for the entire Easter Sunday, while I quietly pound wine in the kitchen, and yell "There's still seven eggs out there somewhere! Find 'em!" over and over at my exhausted kids. Should be a fun day. This week has been totally fucking bananas and the fact that it all ends with a stupid holiday really pisses me off. Hopefully I can finish this week out strong, and give my kids a good Easter. Or, at the very least I hope that if I do fuck the day up for everyone, I can get drunk enough to not remember/give a shit. Happy Easter everybody!