Jealousy

So, let's talk for a minute about jealousy.

It's such a shitty feeling emotion, especially when it's completely unfounded and without basis,  and I am unfortunately terrible at controlling it.

I have a past, I have exboyfriends, in fact I am pretty sure I have more exboyfriends than Bill has exgirlfriends. I have a history, I've made mistakes and I've probably done more to damage the fragile trust between Bill and I than he ever has. 

But still. 

Jealousy flares up and takes me over and I become that girl who starts mentally tire slashing every girl that her boyfriend has ever even looked at, so much as dated or kissed or.....etc.

And it's not even the girls in his past, it's the medical tech at his vet's office that liked his car and made a harmless comment about it, it's any girl that he becomes friends with on Facebook until I find out she's his cousin or the wife of one of his friends, or something like that. And it would definitely be any girls number I found in his phone if I went through it, which is exactly why I never have. 

I trust him, I know he would never be with someone else while we were together, but if I went rifling through his texts and emails, even harmless innocent small talk with another human who happened to have a vagina would make me pouty and sulky and all kinds of green eyed monstery. 

Why is jealousy an issue if we love someone truly, and believe with all our hearts that they love us back? Why does jealousy still arise if we trust the person that we're with immensely? If we have faith in our relationship, if we're blissfully happy? 

Is it insecurity? Possessiveness? Or fail safe built into us that keeps us from getting too comfortable in a relationship, keeps us from taking our loves for granted, reminds us that there are other people out there they could be with, and that we should always keep doing the little things to make them feel loved and special?

Whatever it is, jealousy embarrasses me. It makes me feel childish, whiny and clingy. I want to be that awesomely cool girl who totally doesn't care if my boyfriend has 20 million female friends, or if girls hit on him all the time, or if he's still friends with his ex's. But I'm not. I would never ask a guy to stop being friends with a girl he was good friends with before we started dating, just for the sake of my ego, but I wouldn't find it particularly awesome if Bill was all of a sudden BFF's with some chick who wanted to have movie nights all the time at her house....wow I just got a little pissed off thinking about that completely hypothetical scenario....

SEE?! 

Ugh, I can be such a jealous asshole.

But like the picture above says, I am holding myself to the standard of grace, not perfection.

Which means I may not be able to help the fact that I am a jealous asshole, but I can do my best not to let it drive a wedge between me and Bill by flying off the handle when a girl {who's more attractive than I consider prudent} friends him on Facebook, and make him think I don't trust him at all.

But it does also mean I might sheepishly ask who she is, hoping she's his functionally retarded 3rd cousin who drools and walks with a gimp.

A girl can dream.