A Letter to Max and Ruby

Dear Max and Ruby,

I would like to start off by telling you that I watch your show all the time. And by all the time, I mean whenever the kids manage to get to the tv and remote before I do, and get one of your God awful episodes on before I can stop them. Forcing them to change the channel once your insult to cartoon history begins would only cause screaming, tantrum throwing and crying. So at that point I've lost.

Then, and only then, I watch your show.

Maybe at this point in my little note to you, you're getting the feeling that I don't love your show. Hopefully you're getting the picture that I fucking hate it, but just in case you aren't {which wouldn't surprise me since Ruby is such a self righteous bitch she probably just heard that I sometimes watch your show and took the rest as a compliment} I hate your show for so many reasons.

The first being, of course, what a self righteous bitch Ruby is. I mean, just look at yourself, Ruby:

 

Wearing that fucking tiara like you own the place. 

My second problem with your show is that you have no parents.

Now I'm not saying that it's wrong to not have any parents, or that it's your fault {Ruby}, I'm saying it pisses me off that you expect us to believe you have parents, when clearly Max is the illegitimate prom night baby that Ruby had and then didn't have the heart to get rid of.

Why else, Ruby, would you not only be alone with him constantly, but be in charge of things like dressing him, feeding him, bathing him and taking him on the city bus to see "Grandma"?!

Either he's your kid, or your parents are off somewhere doing copious amounts of heroin. Either way, just fess up. This whole "My parents are in the shower, they'll be right out" act is getting fucking old.

Third, and most serious, I hate your show because you, Ruby are such a bitch to poor Max. 

Case and point:

Dragging the poor bastard around by his arm while you chase after the Churro truck is just unacceptable.

This pisses me off for the obvious reason of it being wrong to boss around and control and crush the soul of your obviously sweet, curious, adventurous and speech delayed "little brother" {side eye: son}, but it also makes me mad because you ARE trying to give the impression that you're his older sister, but you're such an asshole to him, you are in fact teaching every big sister who watches your show that it's ok to treat their little brother like shit. 

Maybe if you were just up front about the fact that you're a teenage single parent, we'd all be more understanding about your tendency to be impatient, controlling, overbearing and possibly drunk in the middle of the day.

So, in closing, Ruby please tell us all the truth about you and Max's parentage, and stop being such an annoying little snatch to your "younger brother" if that is his real name.

And Max, I gotta say, you're the shit. For a cartoon character aimed at 2 and 3 year olds you really make me happy. You never talk, but you're still hilarious, adorable, and so curious. You remind me a lot of Jackson. And kid, I was the youngest in my family too, and my older sisters were jerks when we were little too. Just remember when your sister/mom starts gettin mouthy, it's nothing a well placed sucker punch to her stomach won't fix. Just run like a motherfucker afterwards because bitch is gonna be angry.

Good luck you two. Try to be less fucking annoying.

Love always, 

Sarah