Monday Momisms: Recently Overheard

It's no secret that my kids say some pretty whacktacular shit sometimes, and I am no stranger to dishing the crazy talk right back to them. Sometimes it's because I'm tired, sometimes it's because we're low on wine and they won't quit touching me, and sometimes it's because I'm bored and like to test their reactions.

Here's what you may have overheard if you'd been hanging around our house lately:

Jack: "My feet won't quit making noise on the floor when I move them and it's sounding pretty creepy"

Me: "What?"

Jack: "My feet won't quit sounding creepy. Make them stop."

Me: "I don't know what you're saying. At all."

Jack: {In exasperated voice} "I saaaaaaaid...." and then proceeds to say the exact same shit again a third time.

Me, looking to Lainie, who's been standing there watching this with a totally straight face, for help: "What is he saying?" 

Lainie: "He's saying the noise his feet makes on the tile creeps him out" 

Me: *blink blink*

Kids: *stare back at me with completely serious faces as if this makes perfect sense*

Me: "Who wants cookies?!"

...

Lainie talking to Jack: "Let's play hide and seek"

Jack: "Ok"

Lainie: "Ok so the rules are I get to hide first, then you hide. You can't hide anywhere that I hid, and you can't hide in my room or in the garage or in mom's room, and you can't hide anywhere that doesn't have a light cuz I'm scared of the dark, and you can't hide anywhere that would be too hard to find you"

Jack: "Ok, I'll hide in the closet by the front door"

Lainie: "No, I don't like that closet. It smells old. Just hide behind the couch."

Jack: "Ok!"

...

As I'm sitting on the couch reading, I see out of the corner of my eye, Jackson running out of his room wearing a princess dress and Easter bunny ears from Easter last year. I look up and stare a while, trying to decide what....the fuck to say.

Jack makes the first move, coming over to me:

"My bunny ears keep falling off and this dress makes me butt feel itchy"

Me: "Why does your butt itch?"

Jack: "I took off my batman unnerwheres to put the dress on"

Me: ".....Why?"

Jack: "I didn't know how else to get the dress on. But I don't think I want to play with Lainie anymore."

I wouldn't either.