Notes from the Newly Single: Dating Again

So, apologies for not providing a detailed update to all of you, but in the short version, I'm going to say I'm back to being single. 

Holy wow. 

For the first time in three in a half years, I actually have to start thinking about what I want in a boyfriend or partner or whatever the term is now. I have to start thinking about what I'm looking for from square one again. It's weird. I was in love with Bill for so long, and he fit the mold almost exactly of everything I knew I wanted, and he also showed me a great deal of things I never thought were important to me, but I realized while being with him that they are. Things he did, or characteristics about him that I don't want to go on living without now that I know how awesome they are. I also learned a few things I always thought were important to me, really aren't as much at the end of the day. 

All that considered, you'd think I'd have the blue prints for my soulmate all mapped out in my mind, but I don't. I have to start from the ground up, start with the littlest things. What should they look like? I was instantly attracted to Bill, and haven't really had to look at any other man and decide if I was truly attracted to him enough to date him in a long time. What do I want them to do for fun? Is it a deal breaker if they hike a lot and I hate hiking? Is it a big deal if they don't like to go to the movies, or the only movies they watch have Vin Diesel in them? {read: stupid movies} How important is there religion to me? Would I date someone that was like really into his dog? You know those guys who are like "It's me and my dog, man, package deal!" and they almost act like their dog is their life partner and you're the mistress? Actually, I already know the answer to that. 

When you've been with someone you had all those little things in common with for so long, someone that got your sense of humor, understood your moods, liked the same shit you liked and took the time to pay attention to all the little details of things that made you happy, it's super unnerving to imagine going out and trying other people on for size. 

The ways in which they can disappoint you seem endless.

It feels like job hunting.

This one is a perfect role, but I hate the hours.

This one is right by my house but doesn't pay enough.

This one is great but doesn't provide benefits.

This one looked good until I met my future boss, or my potential co-workers.

This one doesn't even provide coffee in the breakroom.

I hate the idea of getting through the first 3 or 4 or 5 dates, only to realize that they shoot bunnies in their free time or don't hold the door open for me or blow their nose at the dinner table, and have to start all over at square one.

It sounds so exhausting.

But a little exciting at the same time.

First dates, first time holding hands, first kisses. All the little things you do have in common that you start off with. Like painting by numbers, and starting with the greens. The little place holders we put in to keep us feeling like we're right for each other, until the bigger moments can come along and hopefully slide into their place.

I guess it's when they don't that you have to start all over again, but still getting to know people is always kind of fun.

Delighting at the fact that you both love Charlotte's Web over dinner where you accidentally order the same thing, and you laugh and go "Oh we have so much in common"

It might be a fiery train wreck at the end, but at least the appetizers were good.