I Wish I Could Be Who I Was

There is a quote that I used to love, that said "I wish I could be who I was when I wished I could be who I am now".

 I liked it because it always seemed fitting to me, and it was the longest way possible to say "I wish we could just go back. Back to how things were. I wish I knew what I had then." 

Like when you're a kid and you want so badly to be an adult, until you are one. You get your first job, and finally your first paycheck, and you realize for the first time that paying taxes on your hard earned money sucks. You get your first apartment, and your first electric bill, and you realize for the first time that paying bills and rent sucks. Sure you can also have all the sex and Tequila and parties you want, but after a while you realize how expensive Tequila is, how unforgiving neighbors are of loud music at 2 a.m., and how unreliable birth control and condoms can be when you're testing the odds several times a day.

You want to go back.

You want to be a kid.

You want to lay down on your twin size bed with a teddy bear and smell your mom's cooking again.

The world is a cruel and unforgiving place, and you don't want to play here anymore.

Or, when you've been an adult long enough to get over the parts that are miserable and monotonous, and you've finally found a little joy in it, and then you fall in love. Maybe with someone you've been friends with for a while, maybe with someone you just met, maybe with the most unexpected person who you met in the elevator in your office building. Regardless, for the first time, this is real love. Adult love. Not super fun, carefree high school or college love when the biggest things you have to worry about are whether to take that person with you to every house party you go to, and who's couch you're going to make out on tonight. 

No, this is grown up love, and you're all in. 

But one day, something happens, or nothing happens, but everything changes and the next thing you know the love of your life is breaking up with you over a five dollar Gyro in a strip mall on their lunch break. 

Suddenly there are no more Thursday's watching Grey's Anatomy together, no more Saturdays drinking and goofing off in their kitchen, no more long Sunday drives to middle of nowhere towns or lunches at hole in the wall restaurants where the waiters learn your name and memorize your order. No more kisses, no more pet names, no more text messages that say "Good morning! Have the best day ever!" Just a lot of crying, moping, and personal hygiene negligence.

Once again, you want to go back.

You want to have never met.

You want to be meeting again for the first time so you can try it all over and maybe do it differently, or at least be able to relive those sweet moments a second time.

You want to go back to a point when being just friends seemed possible, so you could at least still have this person in your life, and not have to lose your lover and your best friend all in one go.

You've made mistakes, you took some things for granted, and there doesn't seem to be any kind of redemption.

You wish you could be who you were when you wished you could be who you are now.