2013 Goals: May Goal Revised

My original goal for May was to Do Something Special for Someone Special.

After me and that Someone Special broke up, I figured I should find a new goal.

I'm thinking I will probably still go ahead with my original plan to do something nice for someone special, since I'm a nice fucking person, and also since I know a lot of special people, and could really use some good Karma after I threw a candy bar at that lovely couple in Target the other day, but

I also decided to come up with a secondary goal for May, to supplement the fact that my first goal isn't exactly going to work out the way I'd planned.

Basically I'm completely fucking winging it here, so try to stay with me.

Anyhow, I decided to subject myself to a weekly dare, and the goal is to complete each weekly dare 100%

If I can pull each one off, I'll be a better person and a better goal achiever by the end of the month. 

If I can't complete each one, I will buy all of my readers Starbucks. 

Just kidding, that could potentially get expensive as hell.

SO!

My first goal for Week One is: Pipe The Fuck Down.

Lately I've been bitching like a mother fucker. 

About everything, really.

I'm stressed and I'm drained and I feel stuck in this awful rut. 

Also I'm overwhelmed as all shit, and there is a lot that feels uncertain about my life right now. 

For instance, is Parenthood getting renewed for another season, or not, because I can't just keep living with not knowing!

Anyway, I've been a bitter, complainy little asshole and it's time to stop that shit.

I have a house, I have a job, I have a car and healthy kids and food and a pretty neat cat and so far I haven't found any gray hairs, AND there is a new episode of Grey's Anatomy on this week.

Life is good, so I'm going to pipe the fuck down and be grateful.

Wish me luck, and and stay tuned for the rest of May's weekly dares.

Gonna be some good shit, I promise. 

The Friday Diary: Ruts, Routines, and Sailboats

Hey everyone, guess what? 

It's Friday!

Good to see we all made it out alive.

This week I felt very stagnant, and stuck in some kind of rut.

I spent a lot of time alternating between looking up hair cuts I shouldn't get and vacations I can't afford.

I need a change.

I need something exciting or fun or good to happen to shake the dust off.

Let's face it, it's been a long and not so easy month.

Sick kids, personal drama, love life drama, and let's not forget the whole getting a restraining order on my dad thing.

That was neat.

I came across this blog, sent to me by a good friend who shares my fantasy of someday escaping the monotony of grown-up life, and living out an epic adventure.

It's all about a couple who took a year long sailing trip with their daughter around the Pacific.

It's amazing, and it awakens in me some lovely daydreams of chucking it all, buying a sailboat and getting the fuck out of here.

Away of all the unrealistic expectations, and all the people who take shit way too seriously.

Someday. Hopefully.

This weekend I'm looking forward to blowing off some steam. Possibly going out Saturday and remembering that life is also fun, and the big picture is not ultimately made up of petty people and mind numbing routines.

Also The Great Gatsby movie comes out in two weeks, so I will be very busy getting myself as unbelievably excited for that as possible.

I saw the trailer for it for the first time last weekend and I damn near cried and wet my pants at the same time.

Ok, who am I kidding. 

I did wet my pants. 

What do you daydream about?
What are you doing this weekend?

Happy Friday, my lovers.

A Letter to My Parents

When we're kids we belong to our parents.

We try so hard to be exactly like them.

Then at some point we try so hard to be our own people, who we hope will be nothing like them.

And when we grow up we realize we are equal parts of both.

We are our own, and we are theirs.

I am my mother's smile and her eyes.

I hear her voice when I laugh and when I speak softly.

I am my father's hard headedness and gift for telling a story.

I hear his words come out of my mouth, I find myself telling his tales.

I have the songs they both loved, and the ones I found on my own.

I read the books my dad owned and love the mountains like my mom.

For every second I spend railing against what they did to me, gave to me, taught to me, said to me, there is another moment when I find them somewhere inside myself, mixed in with all the elements of who I am all on my own.

My past beside my future.

Their legacy, my progress.

Forward

Reconciling the past is something I've struggled with my entire life.

It is the black and white silent movies that play as I fall asleep in my mind's eye, it is the whisper in the dark when I am driving with no destination, it is the voice of the rain and the tiny hidden molecules that make up every breath I take, and every breath I exhale. 

I've wrestled with a meaning for all of this for four years, as two separate and somehow simultaneously connected lives moved along their paths at break-neck speeds. 

I've tried to find an answer and a purpose and to ascertain the exact destiny that must be written out somewhere, but not in any place I've ever been taken to.

The strange thing is that at this point I am happy to take a back seat on the journey. 

I am happy to let go and strop searching, and allow this to unfold however it will - or scarier: however it won't. 

As I unpack our stories and our history night after night in my memory, the answers that always seemed so infuriatingly close, but still unattainable, are now less important to me than the simple act of remembering, and being grateful for what was.

Regardless of what will, or will never be.

I'm Just Saying

Hold onto me.
In all the busy uncertainty of our lives
In all the questions that lack easy answers
Hold onto me
Let me lay my head on your chest where it fits so well
Let me press my face into your shirt where it feels like home
Run your fingers through my tangled hair and pull out the traces of all the unfinished dreams
Hold onto me
I will breath you in
As you breath out
And for at least that time, we'll know everything we need to.

Home Remedies, Pt. 2

I mentioned last week that the kids had both gotten lice this month. 

Let's all pause for a moment and do a collective OHMYGODGROSS.

Lice is gross. And nearly fucking impossible to control.

The shit spreads like wildfire, and once it's in your home and life you may as well burn the house to the ground, change your name and move to Brazil. 

When Lainie first got sent home from school with lice, I was like "It's cool bro. I got this."

I picked her up, swung by the daycare to get Jack, and checked them both once we got home. 

Yep. both had lice.

Ew.

We headed to Walmart and I had every intention of buying that over the counter shampoo they sell in the pharmacy, until I read the ingredients and the warnings. 

That shit is straight pesticides. 

PESTICIDES in your kids hair.

Soaking in their skin.

Running all over their bodies.

Yeah. No.

I get that lice are bugs, and you typically use pesticides to kill bugs, but bathing my kids in poison as a FIRST resort didn't really seem cool. 

So we instead headed to Sprouts.

There we loaded up on Tea Tree Oil, which I know almost all bugs hate. It's antifungal, antimicrobial, and it disinfects better than bleach and peroxide. 

We also picked up this stuff. 

It's all natural and full of good herbs like Rosemary and Cedar oil. Also it smells delicious, but I'm apparently the only one who thinks that {the kids hate the smell of lemongrass oil, which is in here}. 

After that we went home and I started up The Google. I searched for home remedies for lice, and holy wow, you guys. I found so much. 

There are upwards of 20 credible and natural ways to take care of lice, without using pesticides. 

We tried the following:

1. Wash both the kids hair with Dawn dish soap {the blue stuff} and let it soak for 20 minutes {also, read this article on all the crazy uses for blue Dawn dish soap. You can use that shit for anything}.

2. Follow up by washing with Selsun Blue dandruff shampoo {the Selsun Naturals kind with Salycilic Acid in it} Let that soak for 20 minutes.

3. Go outside in the bright sunshine and pick out all the dead bugs - and they will be dead, and as many of the eggs as you can. 

4. Blow dry the hair on hot and on high, holding the dryer as close to the roots as you can. This will loosen the remaining bugs and make them easier to find, and also destroy the remaining eggs.

5. For Lainie I followed up the blow dry with flat ironing her hair at the roots. The direct, high heat kills the eggs and dissolves the glue that's holding them to the hair strands. 

6. Slather mayo on the hair, especially at the roots and scalp. Put a shower cap on, and let it sit for as long as you can. 1 hour is good. 2 hours is better. Overnight is ideal. 

7. Use more Dawn to wash out the mayo

8. Wash the hair one last time with the lice shield shampoo.

9. Check again for eggs, remove any that are remaining, and then rub tea tree oil mixed with olive oil at the nape of the neck, behind the ears, and put a few drops on the scalp, in as many places as you can. 

Next you have to start disinfecting your house. 

Bag your stuffed animals and dolls, and tie them closed with as little air in the bag as possible. 

Throw them outside in direct sun for 2 days.

Do the same with any pillows that cannot be washed. 

After the two days, spray all that stuff with tea tree oil and water, and throw it in the dryer on high heat for 2 cycles just to be safe. 

Wash all your clothes. 

Seriously, everything. 

Vacuum every corner and crevice of your house, spray the mattress with tea tree oil and water and bag them for 48 hours. After that, vacuum them too, as well as the couch and any upholstered furniture. 

If you have cloth seats in your car, spray those too, close the doors, and park the car in the sun all day so it's hot as hell inside. 

Then vacuum like a motherfucker. 

It's a lot of work. 

It's a pain in the ass. 

But if you have kids, at some point you'll probably have to deal with this, so be prepared. 

You can find all kinds of resources on home remedies for lice here, and here.

May the force be with you. 

The Friday Diary: Turns out it wasn't allerigies. Sorry Lainie.

So you remember yesterday when I said that on Wednesday, I made Lainie go to school with a sore throat because I thought it was allergies? Well, I am the biggest asshole ever, because it turns out we both have strep. 

At least Karma got me back by giving it to me too.

We all three spent the entire day Thursday in bed.

My throat felt like someone had punched it repeatedly and then filled it with sand and broken glass. It was pretty neat. 

I remember when I was younger and antibiotics worked immediately. Now I'm old and they take a couple days to start doing their magic, while I watch Lainie flit around the house Tinker Bell style, screaming "I feel so much better!" after only one dose.

Whatever, I can drive and buy things.

So, what did I do this week, you ask?

Mainly I bitched about my sore throat and acted like the first person to ever experience pain.

The funny thing is I was able to force two complete human beings through my lady parts, after an unreasonable number of hours in labor with both of them, and didn't take any pain meds for that, but a little bit of strep and I'm all OHDEARGODIJUSTWANTTOLIVE.

Anyway, while I'm still not 100 percent, I am feeling quite a bit better and will be back at work today.

In my absence, I will leave you with some things to read and listen to and look at over the weekend until I return. 

Try to pace yourselves. 

Read this post from Kate about being a Blogger, VS. being a Writer. Good stuff. 

Listen to this song. Have you fallen in love with The Lumineers yet? Because I'm not backing down until you do. 

Follow this guy, on Twitter. He's hilarious. 

Check out this shit, from Pinterest:

And finally, watch this video of season 2-7 bloopers from The Office. The series finale is coming up, and I've been getting caught up on the episodes I missed lately {which was basically everything after Michael Scott left} in remembrance of what a great show it once was. 

Jim and Pam forever.

Happy Friday, everybody.
Go get weird this weekend.

For The Hard Days

Yesterday we had a bad morning.

Lainie and I both woke up miserable with allergies. Sore, swollen, scratchy throats. Big, red, puffy eyes. Noses that felt like they had half of the atmosphere crammed in them. Lainie wanted to stay home, but I've missed a lot of work lately because the kids are constantly coming down with something.
Too much work.
Since she didn't have a fever, I couldn't stay home.

Jackson was in full on meltdown mode over not being able to watch T.V. until he finished getting dressed and eating breakfast.

Lainie couldn't find what she wanted to wear and refused to settle for anything else. She proceeded to meltdown as well.

It was early and I was tired and my throat was killing me. I felt surrounded and out numbered and completely overwhelmed. I couldn't keep explaining myself over and over to a four year old. I couldn't reason with a nine year old. We needed to leave in 15 minutes and I hadn't even brushed my own teeth yet.

I sank to the floor in front of the washer and dryer and put my head between my knees.

Completely defeated.

It was not my finest moment.
If you had told me before I became a parent, that there would be more mornings and evenings and entire days like this, I would've been like "Yeah right you're just trying to discourage me so I'm going to have FIVE or TEN kids just to SHOW YOU, Mr. Negativity!" because I'm a rebellious asshole with serious authority issues.

I sat there in my pajamas while the kids cried and whined and called me the meanest Mommy ever, and thought "I cannot do this". {Actually I thought "Would anyone notice if I put Vodka in my coffee?"}

But then I remembered that I'm not the only mom in the world.

There's no way in hell I was the only mother on the verge of tears in front of her washing machine at 6:45 on a Wednesday morning.

I was not the only mother who had ever pleaded - literally begged - her nine year old to just fucking get dressed, please, I don't care what you wear just put on SOMETHING.

I'm not alone.

I have my village and I have my people, and I know I'm not the only one.

Yesterday was hard, but we soldier on.

In case you who is reading this is a parent, and no one has told you this yet today: you're doing a great job.



Whitman's Widow

While I remember the days we spent exploring,

Hiking the banks of rivers and driving to new places,

The memories fade and become darker with time.

While I remember wandering the stone streets in Italy,

And I remember the dinners at restaurants we took such joy in discovering,

And I remember the liquor and the heat in the throat,

The pictures become less defined every day.

The specific dates, the names of the places, even the time frame and the seasons become unclear.

While I remember the tears and the tangled lungs and the fighting,

And I remember the frenzied grasping and the tired over-explaining,

And I remember the apologizing and the half hearted forgiving,

The sounds and the pain and the specifics of the disagreements are white washed.

A dream you know you had but cannot retell, for all the details have already escaped you.

I remember it, but not as well as I remember the feeling of you.

And of us.

The imprint of your heart on mine,

The weight of your lips and how they moved me,

Echoes of your voice and how it calmed me.

In the end all that truly remains,

Is that we were together.

I forget the rest.

*{The line "we were together, I forget the rest, borrowed from Walt Whitman's poem Song of Myself, from Leaves of Grass}

How I'm Doing With My No Spend Month {Or: Why I shouldn't be allowed to set my own goals}

So it's now a little more than halfway through April, and I'm just going to go ahead and declare this month's goal an epic failure. 

I did well for the first 4 days, and then it was all down hill from there, due to two bottles of wine and a little too much Destiny's Child. 

Also, the kids got lice and I spent upwards of $100 taking care of that, and after 3 days of washing kids hair, re-washing every single cloth item you own and vacuuming furniture, who's NOT going to order Chinese food??

I did give it an honest try though, and I applaud myself for the effort {because I'm narcissistic that way}.

I'm going to keep trying for the rest of the month, but I'm not really expecting great things from myself at this point. 

Maybe a month of NOSPENDINGANYTHINGATALL is too drastic for me, but I could probably do better at setting boundaries for myself. 

Like maybe only eating out once a week, instead of whenever the hell I feel like it. Or bringing my lunch to work every day instead of going out with co-workers. Starbucks will forever be my Everest, but I could probably do better at that too. Like maybe only going to Starbucks on Saturday mornings before I run errands, or as a reward for completing my errands, or when I'm extremely hung over. 

Oh for fucks sake, let's be honest. All of the above. 

Home Remedies, Pt. 1

*Before we begin, since the world is full of law suit happy buttholes these days, I want to make a small disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am not a medical professional in any way. I am a mom who writes a blog. If you are stupid enough to treat what I type here as The Gospel, and disregard what you've been told by your doctor, and you end up getting hurt, you should be slapped, arrested, and lose internet access forever. 

Thank you.

As some of you may know, I'm one of those weirdos who hates taking medicine. Even when I have a headache that I know full well could turn into a migraine, I wait as long as I can, as if the headache will give me points for bravery and go away on its own. I hate antibiotics and how often they're prescribed, and I wish more doctors took a natural approach first, rather than whipping out the old script booklet and sending us on their way. 

Over the years, especially with having kids, I've tried to find natural approaches to small injuries and minor illnesses, especially stuff I could do from home with what was in our kitchen, and most of the time using antibiotics as our last resort. 

In my exploring, I've found some pretty cool ways to treat some seriously annoying shit.

Like....

Black Tea for Pink Eye.

If you have kids, you know what pink eye is and how much that shit sucks. It's disgusting to look at, it's ungodly uncomfortable to have, and it's highly contagious. If one kid gets it, you can almost bank on the other kids and maybe even you contracting it too. 

A couple years ago, someone told me about using black tea for pink eye instead of those expensive prescription eye drops. We didn't have insurance at the time, and the drops were $65 dollars without it. I tried the black tea, and low and behold the pink eye was gone in less than two hours. 

What you do is brew a regular bag of black tea {any kind, I used Lipton} and a bag of chamomile tea together. 

Let it cool to room temp. You can put it in the fridge for faster cooling, but don't let it too cold because have you ever put really cold eye drops in your eyes? Kind of hurts}

Lay your kids head on your lap with towel under their head, and using a wash cloth soaked in the tea mixture, gently wipe the infected eye, moving from the inside to the outer corner. 

The goal here is to rinse the eye, so don't wring the cloth out too much. Make sure plenty of the tea is pouring over their eye, and you're wiping out the gunky stuff. If the kid is older, or it happens to be an adult, and will allow you to put drops into their eyes, then use an eye dropped and flush the eye that way. 

Do this until every hour or two hours until the infection is gone, and be sure to do the non infected eye as well, but use a separate cloth. 

Within an hour the redness and yucky gooey stuff should be gone, and the eye should completely clear up by the end of the day. 

During nap time or bedtime, it doesn't hurt to soak a washcloth in the tea again and put it over their eyes while they sleep.

It's like a miracle how fast it works, and the chamomile should take most of the itching and burning out of their eye so they stop rubbing it, which is what usually spreads the infection.

There's also...

Garlic and Olive Oil for Ear Infections

When my kids were babies they both got ear infections so often I thought they'd never be off antibiotics. And the antibiotics they kept being prescribed sucked. Vomiting and Diarrhea were the main side effects, and Jackson got both so badly he had to go to the ER for fluids. 

Then I discovered using garlic and olive oil for ear infections, and my life was changed.

What you do is pour some Extra Virgin Olive Oil into a little bowl, and crush a garlic clove into it. {You do need to use fresh garlic. Garlic powder and store bought minced garlic will not work}

Let it steep for about an hour, and then strain out all the pieces of garlic that are floating around. 

Use an eye dropper, and put 5 or 6 drops into each ear. 

Make sure your child is laying on their side when you put it into their ear, and you keep them on that side for about a minute so it doesn't all drain right back out when they roll over. 

Do it every couple hours for 2 or 3 days until the infection is gone. 

Your kid will smell like a pizza, but it does work. 

Again, I am not a doctor. These are just a couple of the things I've done with my kids, how I did them, and how they worked for us. Use your common sense, people. If your kid is getting worse and not better, in an obviously extreme amount of pain, or just not right in whatever way, take them to the damn doctor.

The Friday Diary: All the things happening RIGHT NOW.

Hi everyone. 

Guess what I'm doing?

LIVE BLOGGING.

Yep. I am actually sitting here, at 11:29 a.m., typing this shit out. This is not a scheduled post. 

I'm excited. 

{Clearly I get excited easily}

Today's post will be short, because I'm dying my hair right now {You should see me in my super sexy purple shower cap} and I have to wash this shit out in 10 minutes. 

BUT. I wanted to come by and ramble at y'all for a few minutes away. 

1. I'm off today, which is awesome, but as it stands right now I have zero plans for my weekend outside of 48 loads of laundry and this hair dye burning my scalp as we speak. Who wants to come play with me?

2. This afternoon I have plans for a coffee date with a former Doula client who is expecting her second baby, and asked me to attend the birth. I am literally so excited I could pee myself {just kidding, I already did}. Sometimes I miss the whole Birth thing so much, you know?

But it's one of those dreams that I've let go. For now, if not forever. It's still nice to go back and visit it from time to time though.

3. Have you heard this song?

It is perfect, and on steady repeat in The Dillinger {my car} this week.

4. Are you on Pinterest yet? Cuz for real, you need to come chill with me there. They have funny pictures and recipes for enchiladas. 

5. Flash back time, yo. Remember this, from last year?

My Son is Pregnant. 

By the way, Jackson never did have that baby....

6. I finally started reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. This book has literally been in my posession for upwards of 12 years, and I've never touched it, because, honestly it sounded boring as hell. But it's not! It's actually really, really good. Granted it's fucking huge, and I'm only like 5 chapters into it, which is basically nothing, but so far I love it. What's your favorite classic?

7. I have nothing else interesting to tell you, and this dye is seriously fucking itchy, so I'm off to the shower.

Happy Friday, y'all!

Why I'm Failing at Life: Domestic Duties I Will Suck at Forever

1. Keeping every room of my house clean at the same time. And I'm not including closets here, because as far as I'm concerned, closets are fair game. Toss shit in there, clean them once a year, good enough. No, I'm just talking about the rooms and areas of my house that we use every. single. day. If I wasn't broke as hell, I'd pay someone to just come deep, deep clean my house, organize the shit out of it, and then teach me to maintain all of it at once. But I am broke as hell, so instead I keep stumbling over toys and moving the stacks of dishes from one counter to the next so I can strain spaghetti noodles. On a good day we have two clean rooms. On most days you're lucky if you can see the top of the kitchen table.

2. Putting my clothes away. The sad truth is, the top of the dryer serves as the closet for all three of us. We wash clothes {day and night and in our damn sleep because there is ALWAYS MORE LAUNDRY} and then we wear them out of the dryer. Pathetic, I know.

3. Cooking every single night of the week. This is really, really bad, and I'm almost too ashamed to admit it. I cook 3 or 4 nights of the week on a good week. If I'm a little extra busy than usual, or I have an absolute shit week, it's less. I went through my bank statement yesterday and added up what we've spent on eating out for the last 30 days. I won't even type that number, nor say it out loud, because it's way too much {see above comment about being broke as hell - this is why}. I think even the cooking comes back to not being organized enough. My fridge is a free for all of food in total disarray, I never remember to take chicken out of the freezer in the morning, and the pan I need always seems to be dirty.

4. Being productive on weekends. On Saturdays I used to have a glorious routine. I'd wake up at a reasonable time, feed the kids, let them watch t.v. while I cleaned up around the house, and then I packed them a lunch and we were out the door for errands. Grocery store, Costco, Walmart, the bank, etc., etc. until all our errands were done. Then when it was the baby's naptime we headed home. I put him to sleep, assigned Lainie to quiet time in her room for 1 hour, and I used the time to plan our menu for the week, clean up more around the house, put food away, prep food for future meals, organize shelves, do laundry. Now that Jackson doesn't always nap during the day anymore and the kids both sleep later on weekends, Saturdays have turned into a hazy blur of cartoons, the park, playdates, birthday parties, and an occasional run to the grocery store.

This post is undoubtedly making me appear unconscionably lazy and useless, but I promise I'm not! I just fell out of my domestic routine at some point...or maybe I never really developed a firm enough one that could withstand years and change and growing kids...who knows. I feel like I'm busy all the time, and I'm constantly running around like a crazy person - last night I was home from work for 3 hours before I even sat down - but these things just still manage to be outside my range of talents.

What are you terrible at, no matter how hard you try?

100 Dreams Ago At Least

When I was 14, my best friend Sarah and I had the entire world figured out.

We were going to graduate high school and tour the country from coast to coast in an old purple VW bus that my dad had in the back of his junk yard. Sure, it had been rotting into the ground for the last 3 years, but we could fix it up! Sure, it had no windsheild, seats, or tires and was missing half the floor board. We were independent ladies, we could fix that.

We had a spiral notebook where we wrote each other letters and notes back and forth, swapping it between classes. The pages were filled with nothing but our plans. How we would start in California {obviously} and travel up the entire coast. Hit up Oregon, Washington, Idaho. Make our way down to Colorado through Wyoming, then Utah, Nevada, New mexico and Texas. We'd travel along the southern border and party in Louisiana with locals. We'd buy peaches in Georgia and use fake names in the Florida Keys. Then we'd move up the East coast, kissing boys with Boston accents in crowded bars and wearing their leather jackets. We'd go to SoHo, the Village, give a hitch hiker a ride to Vermont and then eat ourselves sick on seafood in Maine.

Since we were young, whenever one our individual visions for the trip differed, we over looked it, pretending that our futures aligned exactly and we'd be best friends forever.

We weren't, of course, and life took us both in seperate directions. The VW bus was eventually sold, and I've still never been to Vermont.

That was almost 12 years ago, and I've had many dreams since then. Some I've decided to put on hold for a while. Some I've had a taste of, and decided to walk away from forever. Some are just there, floating like starfish in my mind, occasionally bobbing up into focus and twinkling with possibility.

I think of destiny sort of like an outline.

The basic outline of your path is given to you, but you have a lot of room for variations, and there are hundreds of ways that your story could turn out based on the choices that you make, and which dreams you decide to pursue.

How many dreams have you had?

A bit of rambling and ponderance to start your Monday

Today is Monday, which in and of itself is awful, BUT it's also my Hell Monday. 

It's the Monday that comes twice a month where I have 6 hours of meetings in one day at work. 

Yes. Six. Hours. All meetings.

Omg.

So considering that, forgive today's short post. 

I wanted to at least stop by the old blog and share something that's been rolling around in my head for the last few days {does that ever happen to you? an idea, phrase, quote, saying or something like that just gets STUCK in your head and you can't shake it?}

Since this has been on regular repeat in the old Brain Loop for a while now, I'm starting to figure it has some sort of significance. I'll share it with y'all and you can let me know what it means to you, if anything:

"We will learn to get by if we learn to have scars, if we learn to forgive and accept who we are"

-Blink 182's song Pretty Little Girl

Literally can't get that shit out of my head. 

What does it all mean?

In any case, there is your thought provoking inspiration for the morning. Or just the absurd product of my brain without coffee. 

Anyway, happy Monday, God speed, and let's all hope Friday is jeans day.

The Friday Diary: Blink 182 made new music and I don't understand Doctor Who

1. Do you ever feel a weird kind of hangover after big holidays? Not the kind from drinking too much, but more like an underlying feeling of absolute exhaustion, mentally and physically, from running around too much, planning too much, hosting too much and eating too much? I do. Maybe it's a mom thing, I don't know. I was tired as all get out this whole week.

2. "Jackson if you don't eat your dinner I'm going to take all your socks away for the rest of the week" - Hands down the weirdest threat I've ever made. Jackson does have a weird attachment to his socks though, and I was running out of options.

3. This week I read Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Neffenegger. I read her other book, the Time Traveler's Wife, and absolutely loved it. Read it three times, actually and made everyone I know read it too. This book, sadly, will not be referred to anyone. The writing was beautiful, of course, the characters were unique and vivid, but halfway through the book it all takes a very strange turn, and starts to feel like a different story altogether. It was like she couldn't decide what tale she really wanted to tell, so she told several at once but they didn't fit together. Also it just became so strange and unbelievable it was more frustrating and eye-roll inducing than it was captivating or moving. I'd give it two stars. Take it to the beach with your or on a plane. Or use it to balance that one dining room table leg that's oddly shorter than the rest.

4. So I hopped on the Doctor Who bandwagon this week and started watching from the beginning. (the 2005 beginning not the 1980's beginning). Can someone explain to me...what the hell is going on? Does this show ever stop being so cheesy (pig aliens and unbelievably bad CGI) or is that like...the thing? The episodes are no doubt entertaining, and funny in a "Are they serious?!" way, and I have a feeling that there is a deeper story line underneath that it might just take more than 5 episodes to uncover completely, but still. I couldn't get past the pig aliens.

5. Blink 182 came out with another new EP in December, but I just found out about it last week, so it's new to me. Have you guys heard it? If not you need to go download it right now. It's only $4.00 on iTunes, so really there's no excuse. Everyone, vibe with me, please.

6. Pinterest had many wonderful things to offer this week. From funny pictures, to sucker punches in your emotional ball sack, Pinterest never lets you down.

Word, Pinterest. Word.

7. One of my all time favorite clients from my days as a doula, emailed me yesterday to ask if I would be there for the birth of her second baby. I was overjoyed, and so touched, but also sad because I didn't think I'd be able to do it now that I have a fulltime job. After about 20 minutes of feeling depressed, I decided hey, what the hell. Just do it without charging them in exchange for their willingness to be flexible about your work hours, and don't miss something this special.

After the drama and exhaustion of the last several months, I could use the absolutely magical feeling that only comes from witnessing a new life rushing into this world.

I'll be there.

8. Hey look everybody. We made it to 8 this week. That's impressive. Probably only to me.

Happy Friday. 

The Unfinished Story

After everything that's been said I think that there couldn't possibly be anything left to convey.

But still your name resonates in my heart and in my mind and I find myself wishing I could tell you more. Somehow everything still feels unfinished.

The mistakes we made leave me wanting to go back, try again, and simultaneously wanting to move forward and forget.

The wounds we inflicted and the scars we both traded, as we tried endlessly to find an accurate representation of this indescribable love, haunt me still when it's quiet and you're gone.

As we struggled to stay in love through the differences in what we both wanted, What we expected from one another, and what we both considered to be enough;

I'm sorry for the way that I made my wants bigger than yours.

For the way that I considered my needs valid, and yours unrealistic.

I'm sorry that I would drown you out with the volume of what I needed, to the point that you had to disappear in order to find your voice again.

I didn't have the right to take that from you.

Between our two hearts there is time. There is a knowledge of what losing each other permanently means and what it feels like, and the absolute determination not to have to live through that.

But there is also a space where we cannot seem to meet up. Where we don't completely align, that keeps us forever a certain distance apart.

I keep hoping that a time will come when enough of the past has fallen away, and our paths have both shifted and changed, just enough for us to find each other again.

Some days it seems iminent. Others it feels like a lingering fairy tale.

Something I know will never be, but believe in anyhow because believing in the impossible is better than giving up on everything.

Whether we ever make it there or not, I will still love you.

Whether we ever find each other in the quietest parts of our own hearts again or not, I will still want you.

Whether we ever come true, or if we stay forever an unfinished story, I will still belong to you.

In the most constant and unspoken way.

Do You Wanna Be My Sponsor? {In a bloggy way, not an alcoholics anonymous kind of way}

Here is a completely random and unnecessary picture of Ryan Gosling in the rain, for you to look at whilst waiting for me to get to my point.

...

So, homies.

I've been running this little baby blog here for a couple years now {holy, woah you guys} and I've managed to {some fucking crazy how} garner a decent following. When I decided to go private, I was overwhelmed and touched by all the requests I got for access to keep reading.

When I went public again {oh, hey girl, hey, we're live again, did I mention that?} my reader stats were right back up where they used to be without missing a beat.

I love you guys, you know?

Anyhow, I was thinking that maybe it's time to jump on the old bandwagon of blog sponsorship.
But I want to do it differently.

At least at first, instead of charging, what about an ad swap?

You put my button on your page, I put your button on my page, we call it a good day.

Sound fair?

Let's both agree to run the ads for 30 days so that if either of us hates it or wants to start charging for ad space after that, they don't have to send a super awkward email that's like "Hey it's been really nice doing this free sponsorship thing when we were both losers with no followers, but I'm cool now and want to charge money for my space, so hows about you GTFO?"

I'm kidding. No one would ever say that....right?

Anyhow, if you're interested in being best friends with me, send me an email at my absurdly long and weird email address preciousbabybelly@gmail.com

Even if you don't want to sponsor with me, send me an email anyway.

We can discuss important things like economic trends in the United States and our favorite varieties of cheese. 

Love you.

What?

That was weird.

2013 Goals: March Recap

March is over, and today is the first day of April.

New month, new goal.

March's goal was to make my house a home, and I'd like to say I did that. Last night as I was laying in bed it occured to me that the month I had dedicated to my house and my home, ended up becoming the month when the most changed in my home life - things that had nothing to do with decorating or nesting in my house. Maybe I am clairvoyant, or maybe it's just a weird coincidence, but at the end of the month when I was relaxing on the couch with the kids yesterday after a very eventful weekend, I felt for the first time in so long, like my house was my home again. Even though the only room I ended up really finishing was the kitchen.

So without really purchasing anything, I'm stamping this goal completed.

We're home.

This month's goal is to have a No Spend Month.

I am super nervous.

It's not that I love shopping {I actually hate shopping}, it's more just that I'm an impulsive asshole and I went to Starbucks three times in one day a couple months ago.

What if knowing I can't do that anymore makes me feel stifled and then halfway through the month I'm all YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO I WILL BUY ALL OF THE THINGS!!!

That might be dramatic, but also entirely possible.

Anyway, here's a short list of things I will miss:

-Cow Tails from the gas station

-Starbucks

-Everything that Target is, has, and represents

-Movie theatres

-Lunch from the best pizza place in the entire world

-Ordering pizza for the kids so I don't have to cook

-Chinese take out so I don't have to cook

Things I'm afraid of:

-Finding out I have no self control

-Cabin fever {not spending money basically means never leaving the house, right?!}

-Having to cook every. single. night. for the next month. Who can really be expected to do that?!

Anyway, wish me luck.