All the things you're not supposed to say

I just want to start this post by saying that I know in this day and age, I'm not supposed to admit to any of the things I'm about to admit to.

I know that we're all feminists now, and that girls aren't supposed to want or need to get married, have kids, make a family, have a life partner, etc. in order to feel complete. 

I know. I knoooow. 

I know that we're all self sufficient and independent and Single Ladies is like supposed to be our anthem and shit. I get it.

But for real, can we talk for like five minutes about how...most of that shit isn't true?

At least not for me, or almost any female I've ever met in my life.

Over the course of the last 27 years, my desire to get married and have a legit family have changed - a few times.

When I was little, I wanted to get married because that's what everyone told me I wanted.

TV shows, and movies, and all your little girlfriends, and your mom and your sisters, and fuck even Barbie had herself a man.

You're supposed to dream about the perfect wedding. You're supposed to play dress up and pretend you're getting married.

To be honest, I never did that stuff.

I didn't lay awake at night and dream up the perfect wedding.

When I think now about planning a wedding, I think "I hope by the time I get married I can afford a wedding planner to do that shit for me!". Or I think "A cabin wedding would be cool! Like a rustic ski lodge? Ooh, I like the beach too! Backyard weddings are pretty. Mmmm cake"

Really the only thing I'm sure about is that I want steak at the reception dinner, because more than pretty weddings, I love steak.

After years of pretending that I was all about that marriage life, I hit high school and thought "Hey, I never was that into this shit...maybe I'm just not down with it...Yeah, maybe I don't think marriage is cool! Maybe it's an antiquated tradition! Maybe there's no reason to sign a LEGAL CONTRACT just to be with someone forever! Yeah. I'm against marriage. I am not getting married."

And my social-contrarian little badass self went on propagating that lie for years. 

Looking back, if I'm being honest with myself, I probably kept it up as hard and as long {insert Michael Scott joke here} as I did in part to add even more to the casual, I don't care, I could take you or leave you attitude I tried to portray to boys. 

In reality nothing could've been further from the truth...I cared so, so much.

I digress.

As I've gotten older, and had more experience with dating, love, and relationships, and I've watched friends and family members fall in love, and get married in all different types of scenarios, and for all different kinds of reasons, I've realized something about myself:

I do want to get married.

No, I didn't have my dream wedding planned when I was six, and I didn't ever - and will not ever - drool over centerpieces, or know exactly what I want my cake to look like.

But I did lay awake at night and think about that magical someday, when I would love someone, and they would love me back, and we would love each other enough to want to eat breakfast together every day for our entire lives.

I dreamed about the little personality quirks he'd have, and the stuff we might do together - stupid shit, like rent movies {shout out to the long gone, but not forgotten, days of Blockbuster} and eat Chinese food on the couch together. 

I believed in love so much, and couldn't wait for the day when I would look over at some guy as we drove home from the grocery store or something, and just know that that was what I wanted to do for the rest of forever: drive home from the grocery store only with that one person.

At some point, you find out that you're in your late 20's and you get more wedding invitations in the mail than issues of Cosmo.

You realize that all around you, people are coupling up, settling down, and starting their life with someone.

You realize that you have fewer naughty fantasies at night than you do long, detailed, extravagant fantasies about going on nice dates, hearing a guy say "I love you", and waking up with someone you're going to spend the rest of the weekend with, not have a quick bagel with before you drive home in last night's clothes and this morning's questions, like "Is this going anywhere? Is he going to move this forward any time soon? Does he love me? Do I love him? Will he call me again? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HOW LONG HAS THIS POPPY SEED BEEN IN MY TEETH?".

I know that, as modern women and whatever, we're not supposed to talk about wanting a man, wanting a marriage, not liking being single very much.

But that doesn't change the fact that as you get older, more than a fancy wedding or a rich doctor husband to take care of you or a chick-flick-romance, you want to be with someone you don't have to act casual around. Someone you can cry in front of, laugh with, talk to, and be real with. Someone you can run errands with, and ask "Is there something in my teeth?" without worrying that seeing you as less than perfect will make them delete your number.

You start to crave real connections and meaningful relationships, and yes, even a life and possibly a family together, with someone that knows you and loves you, and wants to do this life thing with you.

I don't think that makes you less of a modern, strong, independent lady.

I think that makes you a grown up who hates going for bagels with sex hair.