2011: A Look Back

2011 was a year of change. 

A year of surprises, disappointments, battles, wars, wins and losses.

In January I rang in the new year with my then-roommate, Dave. And we drank cheap strawberry wine and stood outside in the freezing midnight air to watch fireworks my neighbors were setting off. Sometimes it pays to live in the ghetto.

In February, I celebrated Valentines Day alone, and and wondered if Bill and I would ever find a resolution to our in-between love affair.

In March I attended the births of 3 baby girls, and the 14th marked the second year I'd known Bill.

I also got this tattoo:

In April, I started my apprenticeship as a student midwife, hoping to be a licensed midwife within 3 years. At the end of the month, Bill and I decided to stop being "complicated" and just be friends, because our in-between romance was killing me. It was a sad day. At the time I honestly thought it was the end of us as anything other than friends.

In May, Jackson turned 3 which seemed like a big turning point at the time. Not for him, but for me. It seemed like confirmation that I was done having babies. Why, I have no idea, but as much as I know I really don't want to be pregnant or give birth to any more children, it was kind of a sad, final feeling. A goodbye to my days as a mommy of babies. I had kids now, and I would never have babies again.

Also, Bill and I started dating.

In June, Bill and I went to Vegas, Dave and I took the kids to Illinois, Michigan and inadvertently Missouri for 11 days, and I realized I would need to get a real job by October because my doula business was slowly dying.

In July, Bill and I broke up-again. 

Dave decided to move out.

And my apprenticeship started to fall apart.

It wasn't the best month ever.

In August, I turned 24. 

I got engaged to someone who wasn't Bill.

I reconnected with my friend Sam from high school.

I went to San Diego with Megan.

My great grandma Vettern died at the age of 96.

And then at the end of the month, Bill told me he loved me, and we got back together. For reals this time.

In September Bill and I went on a short trip to Sedona where we were followed by skunks and watched a drunk brides maid walk face first into a glass window. Don't worry,it didn't break.

In October, I finally found a job, even though it sucked and barely paid our bills.

My relationship with Bill was tested in ways I never thought possible.

For the first time ever I didn't give a shit about Halloween.

November was a better month.

Lainie turned 8

Bill and I went to Sedona again, and had the most magical trip ever.

And for the first time in many many years, my dad hosted Thanksgiving at his house, and no one even died.

And finally December. 

Oh December.

December has been a bit of a roller coaster.

Between Bill's crazy busy holiday kid/work schedule, and my newly jam packed work days, I feel like we haven't seen each other as much, and it's hard for it not to get to me sometimes. Because I'm emotional, and sometimes terribly insecure.

Christmas this year was about a million times more stressful than it has been any other year, and I have no idea why. It just sucked. Not one bit of getting ready for Christmas was fun for me, and usually it's my favorite holiday.

The good part about this month was that I got the new job I was applying for, and it means a big change in the financial picture and the stability of me and the kids.

After this month though, I am more than ready for the new year.

I am ready to say goodbye to this year, and hello to a new one.

I am ready to let go of the bad memories, the tears and the pain, and try to hold on forever to the few sweet moments and lovely memories I will walk away from 2011 with.

"The best way to say goodbye to an era, is to look back and remember what you won't forget"

-Unknown.

Happy New Year.

Goodbye 2011.