Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Things Guys Don't Understand About Girls

Bitches Love Leaves hahahaa

Don't get me wrong, I love men. 
I do.
I don't believe that all men are those stereotypical, clueless about women idiots that are so often portrayed in tv shows and movies. I will give it to you that there are some men out there that truly get women. However, in my 26 years on this planet, I have also come to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that men and women are inherently different, and therefor there is some shit about girls that guys just don't ever seem to fucking get. 
Granted, there are probably just as many things about guys that girls will never understand. 
Like, why do you have farting contests with each other? 
I mean, really. That's disgusting. 
Why, of all the games and activities available to you in this vast and infinite universe, would you choose the one that involves two people sitting in a room of their own butt stink? 
Someone explain that to me.

Anyway, I think the world would be a much better place if there were a few general things that we could get the entire male species to fully grasp and understand.
Thus, the below list...

1. It truly does matter what we put in our fucking hair. I dated a guy for a while who washed his hair with the same body wash he washed his body with, and straight up did not fucking own shampoo or conditioner. You know what? His hair looked fine, all. the. damn. time. Once we'd been dating for a while I tried to bring a bottle of my preferred shampoo and conditioner over to his place to keep there, since I'd been showering at his house on a pretty regular basis. Homie freaked the fuck out. Not only did he see this as my way of trying to "trap" him and "mark my territory", but he just could not understand what was so wrong with just washing my hair with the same soap I washed my body with, like he did. I tried explaining to him that soap is not shampoo, and it was ruining my fucking hair. Needless to say, we got nowhere, and me and my shampoo left shortly after this.
NO, we're not being high maintenance or spoiled. If you don't want us to walk around looking Beyonce after she takes her weave out, then you need to come to terms with the fact that our hair is delicate, and what we put in it matters. Be a nice guy and buy the shit your girlfriend likes, so she can look pretty like you want her to.

2. Whenever we fight with you, there are always two fights going on: the Facts fight, and the Feelings fight. Guys are almost 100% of the time wrapped up in the Facts fight. Girls are 120% of the time in the Feelings fight. Most likely we're not screaming at you and crying because you didn't wring the sponge out all the way AGAIN, thus making it smell like moldy asshole, we're most likely upset because you feel like you don't listen to us. Put your detective hat on and look for the feelings behind what we're upset about, and the fight will end a lot sooner. 
Also tell us we're pretty.

3. We absolutely get overly emotional and sensitive sometimes and overreact to stupid shit because we're baking a fucking hormone casserole inside our bodies. But we don't want to hear about how irrational we're being. Regardless of how stupid it is, or if the way we're acting really IS because we're PMSing, what we're feeling in that moment is real to US, so just validate our feelings, listen to us bitch a little, and give us a hug. 
Also, tell us we're pretty.

4. It's the little things. I know this is such a trite and over used phrase, and everybody has heard it a thousand times, but what most guys don't seem to really understand is that when we say "it's the little things", we really mean that it's little shit that makes us the happiest. Small gestures that show us how well you truly know and understand us, and care for us very much. If a guy were to stop by to watch tv, and like...took my trash out, or did a few dishes while I was in the bathroom, I would marry that mother fucker SO fast. Nothing scores a fella points like changing his girlfriend's tail light, or running her car through a car wash when they notice it's dirty, or even just buying the soap they know she likes when she comes over for the weekend. 
Show us you know us, you get us, and you care. That's really all it takes. 

5. Girls do not look cute in the morning. You know that cute girl in Starbucks on Saturday morning, in the Victoria's Secret sweat pants and cute little tank top, with the adorable messy bun, and sunglasses, showing off just the right amount of midriff, with the glowing face, and shiny lips? Yeah. Bitch did not wake up looking like that, and just roll over to Starbucks all sexy and shit. She spent two fucking hours perfecting that "messy bun", she changed OUT OF the pajamas she actually slept in, and into those expensive "nice pajamas", and she slutted the outfit up real good with a push up bra and tank top no girl would EVER sleep in, and she DOES have make-up on. No girl wakes up looking like that. Ever. 

6. Speaking of pajamas: bitches love pajamas. Yoga pants, jammy pants, sweat pants, boxer shorts, baggy t-shirts, we love all that shit. When you're not around and we have nowhere to be, guaranteed we are in our pajamas, no bra on, with straight up homeless person hair, regardless of what time of day it is. This is why girls get so pissed off when you call us AT THE LAST FUCKING MINUTE, and are all "Oh, I'm two minutes from your house, wanna hang out?" or "Hey, wanna meet for lunch like, RIGHT FUCKING NOW?!" It's because we don't wake up and immediately put on our tight jeans and make-up if we don't have shit to do that day. We roll out of bed, and lay the fuck around just like guys do, and we look like shit. Giving us two minutes of warning before seeing you means one of two things:
Either A. I'm going to break a world record for becoming somewhat presentable in under 5 minutes, or B. that's the day you get to meet homeless, just-got-arrested-for-a-DUI-county jail mugshot-looking-Sarah.
Nice to fucking meet you. 

7. Girls want pictures with you. Yes, we probably do the whole "oh no, please, I look like shit" thing when you bust out your phone for a picture, but I promise you, taking pictures with us - and even better - sharing them on your Facebook, or making them your phone's wallpaper, or putting them on your desk at work, makes us feel like a million freaking dollars. Also, if it irritates you that we take so many fucking selfies, maybe it's because you don't take enough "us-ies". Yep. Just invented that word.

8. We cannot shave our legs every damn day. We just. can. not. Ok?! First of all, do you have any idea how long that shit takes? Basically forever. Secondly, we have to do some crazy ass yoga/Pilates/muay thai type moves in the shower to even achieve 100% smooth legs. Aint nobody got time for that every day. Also, it dries our fucking skin out to rake it with a damn razor over and over, every single day, trying to mow down hairs the length of a fruit fly's legs. Yes, you may be able to feel them when you touch our legs, but until they invent a razor that can distinguish between hairs so short they are barely even visible, and the top layer of MY LEG SKIN, you're out of luck. You can complain about my stubbly legs when I can complain about your nose hair. 

I hope we all learned something here today. 

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