A Letter to My Father, on His 56th Birthday

Today is my dad's birthday.

He turns 56.

I don't know the whole, smooth story of his life from start to finish; I guess because it was a jumbled and sideways journey from the beginning. But I know some things.

I know he was born on an Air Force base in Japan, and he was the third child, out of what would eventually become five children.

The first boy.

I know he had thick, curly, black hair as a baby, and that my Nana used to dress him up in little girl's dresses because she said his thick eyelashes and dimples made him pretty.

I know that he had dog tags from the time he was born that said who he belonged to, that he was Catholic, and his father's rank and his blood type.

I know his family moved back to New York not long after he turned two, and his brother Mark was born there. Mark couldn't say Michael, so he called him Pants. 

A nickname that stuck all the way up until Mark died when I was 14. 

I know that my dad had it hard growing up. They were wealthy, and then they were poor, and then they were wealthy again. His mom was always sick. He was abused. His dad was indifferent.

I know my dad left home when he was eleven years old, and never went back. He ran out the back door, hid in someone's carport behind their '65 Buick Skylark until he saw his mom drive by, on her way to my grandpa's service station to tell him their son had run away, and then he went to the elementary school and told the principal he wasn't going back home.

He lived in foster homes and on the streets and hitch-hiked around after that.

I know he met my brother's mom when he was only 20, and that he met my mother when he was 25, and that he always wanted a lot of kids.

I know he was always sick.

He was moody, sometimes indifferent and often hyper-critical and forever irresponsible.

When I was young he seemed like a rambler. A wheeler and a dealer and someone that would always be able to get by, even if only by the skin of his teeth.

He raised his kids in the backs of cars, in junk yards and occasionally in nice houses.

Nothing with him is permanent.

Nothing with him is stable.

Nothing with him is clear.

I know he probably did the best he could.

I know he's wounded.

After it's all said and done, I know he'll always be the first person I loved, the first person who broke my heart, the first person who taught me to survive. 

He taught me that you can love someone, but not trust them.

Love someone but not be able to get close to them.

Love someone, but never be able to have them in your life.

In his own damaged and imperfect way, I know my father loves me.

Lainie's Happy Birthday: #9

 Some serious girl talk going on here!!!

Dear Lainie,

Yesterday you turned 9. Wow. Nine years ago yesterday, at a little after 5 in the morning, you came into the world. And what an impact you had, little girl.

You changed the lives of everyone around you.

For the better, I promise.

And now here you are: a funny, sometimes goofy, always brilliant, sweet little girl who tries so hard to take care of everyone around her. You'd make a great doctor or nurse someday.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by all the things I want to teach you, all the things I want to make sure you know, that sometimes when you ask me a question I think "Oh my God, I haven't taught you that yet?! I'm behind! I'm running out of time!" There is simply, I think, too much to know.

And I know you can't learn it all from me, but some things I want to make sure you do.

So here are a few rules that you absolutely must live by. It is no way a complete list, and I'm sure by your next birthday there will be more, but it's a start.

1. A boy who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice boy.

2. You can use black beans in almost every recipe. Always keep them in the house.

3. You may never get every part of a meal done at the same time. Stop stressing about that.

4. Don't ever share mascara, eye liner or underwear with your friends.

5. A date should get out of the car and ring the doorbell. Not text you from the car, or God forbid honk the horn when he arrives. You're a lady, not a to-go waitress at Chili's.

6. Be sweet to your brother, and he'll be the boy who's always there when some other boy breaks your heart.

7. When you're really really mad at someone, write them an email. Write it all down, read it once, take a deep breath, and then delete it. Written words never go away. Don't let your momentary hate and anger live forever in writing.

8. Just because you mean it, and just because you may be right, doesn't mean you should say it.

9. Whenever you put on a dress, bend over in front of the mirror. If it's questionable, wear leggings.

10. You have to live with your choices at the end of the day. You won't feel any better about being mean and hurtful to someone just because they deserved it.

11. If it feels wrong, it's wrong, regardless of what anyone else tries to tell you. Listen to your first initial reaction to something, not all the ways your tempted mind may try to talk you in or out of it afterward.

12. You're going to be a different person about 125 times between now and the person you end up being for the rest of your life. Remember that when choosing tattoos, life partners and credit cards with interest rates higher than 0.

13. You can get away with not showering for a day or two, or even wearing the same outfit twice without re-washing it, but you cannot, CANNOT get away with skipping deodorant and teeth brushing.

14. You can run on empty on Friday, so feel free to stay up late watching movies and eating junk food Thursday night, because you only have one more day to get through before the weekend.

15. It really is the little things in life.

16. Make it an adventure, and it will never be boring.

17. Specialize obsessively, have lots of favorite things, fall in love with stuff that no one else cares about. Just have passion. It doesn't always matter what for.

18. Change your mind, change your hair, change your clothes, go by a different name in high school, move around a lot after college. Change is good.

19. Be nice to the broken and damaged people. The ones who deserve love the least are the ones who need it the most.

20. Your mother loves you the most, remember that.

Happy 9th birthday, little one. I am SO glad you were born.

The Friday Diary: For Lainie

Oh, Hello Friday. I've missed you.

This week I am even more glad than usual for it to be Friday. Partially because I have the day off {holler}, but mostly because this Sunday is Lainie's birthday, and today being Friday means that I can stop thinking about work, and go to my happy place of planning her birthday.

I love birthdays, y'all.

I love making people feel special, and the idea that everyone gets one day out of the year that's just for them. A day where the people who love them show up and say "I'm glad you were born".

That might seem like a small or silly thing to tell a person, but if you've ever felt not to glad to be born, or been told that maybe you shouldn't have been born by someone important, you know just what a big deal it is to hear those words.

So, in short, I guess the Friday Diary won't be a huge deal this week. I need to go plan a good day for my little girl, who always tries so hard to make the people she loves happy.

Have an awesome weekend. 

The Friday Diary: Goodbye, Wonderful Week

So today concludes my birthday week.

And what better way to wrap it up than to be heading out of town with Bill today?

I couldn't think of one if I tried.

...

Letters:

Dear Bill, This week was so lovely. You made my birthday beautiful, and you made me feel so loved and cared for. Thank you for always caring about the little things as much as I do.

Dear Chris, You've most definitely become my best friend at work, and a true friend even outside the office. You're sweet and hilarious and I don't know how I'd get through a Monday without you.  I like you more than hot coffee and pictures of Juanita.

Dear Lainie and Jack, I loved your handmade birthday cards, and I loved the glitter on the floor and scraps of paper all over the house that showed how hard you worked on them.

Thank you for making my birthday that much sweeter.

...

Overheard:

Me: Lainie, how was your first day of third grade?! Tell me everything!

Lainie: It was SO GOOD. 

Me: Why?

Lainie: We had bean burritos for lunch!!!

I wish my life was still this simple.

...

School Days:

Lainie started 3rd grade on Tuesday. Holy crap. I am so cliche, because every year I always say the same thing "She like JUST BORN yesterday."

Jackson was very upset that he wasn't starting big kid school too, as you can see.

All in good time, buddy.

And all too soon.

...

My Happy Birthday

Today started off good, with my best work friend Chris bringing me flowers and dark chocolate {pink roses-my favorite!} to me in the morning, and then a delicious lunch with her, Bill and our other work pal Hector, at DeFalco's in Scottsdale.

As you can see by the first picture, I was given my very own Canon Rebel.

I very nearly had a heart attack. This is almost the exact same camera that Bill and I got to play with in Italy. The camera that I fell so desperately in love with it was ridiculous.

And now I have one!

I can take pictures of everything I eat for the rest of my life.

You don't have to say it, Bill, I already know you're excited.

I also got a lovely apron and oven mit {shown above} from Bill's fantastic sister Lori.

I'm telling you, this lady is a seriously amazing gift giver. 

No surprise, really, Bill is too.

The apron was something I've been coveting since I saw it on Pinterest over a month ago, and I was so happy that I wrote Lori a very sincere and awkward thank you note that should be creeping up her mailbox in the next few days.

And then she will regret ever giving me presents, fucking immediately.

To wrap it all up, the kids and I went out for steak and fried pickles for dinner, and I learned that Jackson is already a medium rare steak kind of guy. When his meat wasn't red enough in the middle, he asked to send it back.

A boy after my own heart.

So this has been a truly lovely birthday, and so far being 25 is starting out pretty damn well.

Thank you to all the people who made it special.

I truly am one very lucky birthday girl.

xoxo

The Friday Diary: Stuff and Things

...

 I am absolutely loving Ray Lamontagne  right now. I listen to it all day at work {aka when I can get away with wearing headphones} and while I'm falling asleep at night, with a little Rainy Mood in the background to provide some white noise.
Those two things after a scalding hot shower? Mama's out like a light in 3...2....1

...

Overheard:

Bill: That's so interesting. Fill my vessel with your knowledge.

Me: That's disgusting. Don't ever tell me to fill your anything with my anything ever again.

Bill: Yeah, but it got you to stop talking. That was pretty cool.

Me: Worst. Boyfriend. Ever.

Except for that he's not. He's the best.

He still says disgusting things though.

 ...

Born:

Giovanni Valentino. My newest nephew, making a total of 4 nephews, added to my 3 nieces, and now us four kids have given my dad 9 grand kids. Crazy.

...

Watched:

The Watch

It wasn't the highest brow humor I've ever seen, but it was definitely funny. We laughed through most of it. Someone did bring a baby into the theater though, and I did not laugh at that.

Not. Even. Once.

...

Reminisced:


Dawson's Creek is now available on Netflix. Since I'm out of Grey's episodes and I've watched Sleepless in Seattle more times than I can-or am willing to-count, I decided on a whim to start watching Season One of Dawson's on Sunday night. This show pretty much instantly takes me back to 1998, watching this show every single week with my sisters and the kids next door, all of us piled on the couches together, watching this unbelievably cheesy teen melodrama unfold with baited breath.
Nothing makes me want to bust out my Shawn Culvin CD and puka shell necklace like this show. Maybe next I'll watch Charmed and start wearing Tommy Girl perfume again.

...

Discovered:

Marion Bolognesi's watercolors. I absolutely can't handle how beautiful this one is. It takes my breath away-literally-every time I look at it.

...

Pinterested:


Check it out. It's a Nana fight.

...

So. That's the haps these days on the internets. I hope you all had a fantastic week. Stay tuned for next week, when I turn 25 and inevitably do something embarrassing whilst celebrating my birthday. Like I do every single year.
Hey, remember the year Bill made me drink alcohol out of a plunger on my birthday?!

I do.


Happy Friday.

25 Thoughts on Turning 25

I turn 25 in exactly 1 month from today.

It's weird, this birthday this year.

I was in such a different place last year when my birthday came, that it's hard to believe I'm where I am now.

Hard to believe in a good way, like if someone gave you a million dollars for Christmas. You would barely be able to believe it, but you'd be happy about it, savvy?

Last year before my birthday I did 24 thoughts on turning 24. 

Thinking I would keep with tradition, here are 25 thoughts about turning 25.

Just like last year, but with 1 additional thought. 

YOU'RE WELCOME.

1. This will be the 4th birthday that I've had since I've met Bill, but the 1st where we will be an official couple for it. That's simultaneously weird, and completely normal to me now.

2. 4 days after my last birthday I got engaged to someone I barely knew. Here's hoping that doesn't happen this year.

3. I still hate telling people what I want for my birthday. I've always hated it, but somehow I guess I thought that at some point I'd be less embarrassed by it. I know girls {and guys} that are totally fine emailing out wish lists to their entire families and all their friends around their birthday or Christmas. I get itchy if I am forced to mention even one thing I'd like to receive. 

I feel like it makes me materialistic, greedy or selfish. Or demanding. Even though I don't see other people who ask for specific things that way at all, and I get super irritated when people won't just tell me what they want for their damn birthday {side eye: Bill}. 

4. Every year for the last 3 birthdays I've had, I've gone to a bar and gotten hammered with some friends. This year I would be overjoyed if I could have a really delicious dinner with Bill, and then see a movie or take a day drive somewhere or something. I'm down for drinking, but I think I have arrived at the point of hating bars.

5. I don't feel 25. But then again I didn't feel 24 either. I've always felt older. I wonder if I'll ever arrive at an age that feels appropriate to me.

6. If I buy myself a birthday present, it will either be a new TV or a dining room table. Exciting, I know.

7. Sometimes I wonder if I've become more boring with age. If settling down has made me safer, but also duller. It's kind of a fear of mine.

8. There was a time in my life when 25 seemed really, really grown up. Like I'd have it all figured out by now. I wish I could go back to that younger version of me and tell her  "You'll never know what the fuck you're doing"

9. I've never ever wanted a surprise party. Something about them gives me anxiety.

10. An absolutely ideal {and completely unrealistic} birthday weekend, would be a surprise trip to Vegas or Sedona with Bill. In a perfect world it'd be a road trip, because I love road trips, but it's hard enough to get Bill to sit in a car whilst you drive across town. I'm pretty sure he bought a plane so that he'd never have to drive across state lines again. If I couldn't have that, waking up to banana pancakes and good coffee would be a very close 2nd. 

11. I still don't know where I stand on the idea of legal, traditional marriage. I know that a forever kind of commitment to another person would be fine with me, but something about the whole legal marriage thing just throws me off. I don't really know why. Isn't promising to love another person forever the same thing whether you sign a marriage license or not? Why am I OK with the commitment but scared of a piece of paper?

12. I still feel a lot of guilt over the way I handled everything around my last birthday. How openly I flaunted my new {and ridiculous} rebound relationship, without simultaneously having the balls to admit any of it to Bill. It's hard for me to read my birthday post from last year without cringing at myself. I was trying so hard to be OK. I could not have looked more broken.

13. When I was little, basically up until my 10th or 11th birthday, my favorite cake and ice cream combo was strawberry cake and rainbow sherbet.  Now I'm a pizookie kind of girl.

14. I've started checking for grey hairs this year. Yep. 

15. Nice try mirror, but, clearly those are my mom's boobs you're showing me.

16. If you do want some ideas of what I'd like for my birthday, look here. No pressure or anything.

17. It's harder than I thought to come up with 25 things about being 25. 

18. Yes, there is a china hutch on my "wish list" board on Pinterest. I told you, I've become boring.

19. This time last year I was a midwifery apprentice. Now I'm a department coordinator for a real estate developer. Talk about polar opposites.

20. After we got back together, Bill gave me a necklace for my birthday last year that I have taken off a total of 1 time since he put it on me that night. 

21. For the first time in my life, I hope nothing changes between now and my next birthday. I am just exactly where I want to be.

22. There is no 22

23. Birthdays are my favorite holidays. I love my friends birthdays, and my kids'. I like trying to make them as special as possible. There's just something very sweet about celebrating and making a big deal out of the day a person was born.

24. I love cheesecake. Just saying.

25. Last year I wondered what it would be like looking back on that birthday, this year. I think I've done a lot of that recently. So much has changed. And I think all for the better. That's the first time I've ever been able to really say that. 

All I want is for things to keep getting better. To keep the people I have now, and maybe add a few more to love over the next year. But by my next birthday, I want to be able to say that I'm still where I always wanted to be. The ground didn't fall out beneath my feet, there were no major losses or forced life changes. Everything has just flowed forward the way life should.

A girl can dream.

Our Weekend: A Birthday and a Recipe

Well, here we are on Sunday night and the weekend is coming to a close. 

It's been, for the most part, a very good one.

Jackie's birthday went smoothly, and no one even cried. I didn't get super stressed out and cry or lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of wine, so I would consider it a success.

Friday night we had a small, just for the family birthday dinner, with me, the kids and my dad.

There were homemade chicken fingers, a homemade chocolate cake, and a very excited birthday boy.

On Saturday, we all went to the park for a bigger birthday party.

Everyone important to Jackson was there, and that meant a lot to me.

Saturday night Bill and I had an appetizer dinner at Z Tejas, complete with Chambord margaritas, then went and looked at his new house.

It was a very nice, fun night, which was exactly what I needed {as always}.

Sunday the kids and I hung around the house, playing in their fort and watching Netflix movies, and generally running around trashing the place.

After a delicious dinner of Salmon patties and salad, it was time for baths, stories, and bed.

It's kind of strange to me sometimes how things have changed in my life over the years. 

There was a time {a long time} where a good weekend in my book consisted of fast food, parties, reckless adventures with dangerous people, and boys who weren't that nice to me.

And it's absolute crazy to me that none of that seems in the least bit appealing to me now.

I mean, crazy in a good way.

I feel like I've come more and more into my own, and made more and more progress in the area of figuring out who I really am, and I just don't feel the need to do those things anymore.

I think that "wilder" time in my life was more or less the working off of restless energy, that had no place to go because I had no idea where to put it, because I had no idea what I really wanted, or who I really was, or what I needed.

So I more or less flailed about, doing whatever struck my fancy or satisfied my boredom for the moment, and then quickly moved on to something else.

I feel so much more grounded now, and I have such a clearer picture of where I'm going and what I'm doing, and as cheesy as it sounds, at the end of the day all these normal, every day family things leave me feeling so much more sated than all the other loud noise and bright lights that filled up the empty spaces in my "old life".

I'm not trying to brag, or say that I'm sooooo grown up now, or have it all figured out, or have mastered the perfect life, because I haven't.

I'm just saying it feels good to know where you want to go, and who you want to go there with.

I hope your weekend was amazing too.

And I hope we all have lots more amazing weekends in our future.

Because life is just too Goddamn short no to.

For those of you who want the Salmon burgers recipe, here you go:

What You Need:

2 cans of pink Salmon {you can use fresh stuff but it's crazy expensive and you'd need a lot of it} de-boned and flaked

1/3 cup of Italian style bread crumbs {I use Italian style to add more flavor}

2 eggs

2 stalks celery, washed and chopped

1 hearty tablespoon of minced garlic

Salt, pepper and onion powder to taste

Once you've deboned and flaked your salmon, add all of the above ingredients and mix with your hands until the mixture is thick enough to stick together in a patty shape without falling apart. You may need to do a test patty, and add more breadcrumbs if it breaks. 

Cover the bottom of a big skillet with vegetable oil, and fry the patties for 1.5-2 minutes on each side, or until they're golden brown on the outside and hot in the inside {I like mine a little crispier, so I fry them to a darker brown, or until the edges or almost black}

Drain on a layer of paper towels, and serve with salad and a side of cold applesauce. 

Enjoy.

Jackson's Happy Birthday: Turning 4

Today Jackson the Jedi turns 4.

This is a very big day for such a little boy.

I've been thinking about this birthday coming for a couple months now.

Four is a very big deal.

1 is pretty huge, but it always seemed to me like that birthday was more about the parents celebrating having survived 1 whole year in the same house as a small baby.

2 is wonderful, and it's simple and sweet and fun to look back at 1 and see how much has changed, which between 1 and 2 is almost everything.

3 is a very fun birthday, and probably the first birthday where they have any idea it's their  birthday. A special day just for them, and even know they're not sure what to expect, they know that lots of people are there, and everyone is so happy to see them, and they are getting cake and cookies and shiny wrapped presents at every turn.

Jackpot.

But 4.

Four is special because they are four now.

This is for most children the last year of their life before they start going to "real school".

Jack is in preschool, but it's really just daycare if we're being honest with ourselves, and once he's four he only has 1 year left before he starts Kindergarten. This is also the year he moves into the "4's class" which is the last class before the "schoolers class" which is where they put the Kindergarten and 1st graders together.

This is their last year as what some people might still classify a "toddler" even though they're far past toddling.

This is the last year you can get away with calling Jack "the baby". 

Sure he'll always be the baby of the family, but you won't be able to say "Hey where's the baby? Is he in his room or out back?" and not get funny looks. When he's five you certainly can't call him the baby.

It just sounds weird.

And four is special because he knows enough now to be excited about his birthday, and even look forward to it.

Almost every day he asks me when he's going to be four, and four will be like.

He's clearly very excited.

Jackson is such a special, sweet boy, and I remember the day he was born so so clearly.

I remember how warm he was when they laid him on my belly.

I remember how soft his then-red hair was.

And I remember how he loved sleeping next to me, even then.

He loved his vibrating bouncy seat, but hated the baby sling.

He loved touching my hair but was scared of his mobile.

He loved water from the time he was born, and bathtime was always his favorite.

I hope he always loves his sister as much as he does right now.

I hope his imagination is always as vivid as it is now.

I hope his wit and sense of humor is always sharp and surprising.

I hope he always has a charming smile and beautiful eyes and a tender place in his heart that makes him look out for girls and smaller kids.

And I hope he always loves airplanes, and is always looking up at the sky.

I love you Jackson Cassidy.

Right up to the moon, and back again.

One hundred million times.

Bill's Happy Birthday

Today is Bill's Happy Birthday.

Awww.

I figured every guy gets a card on his birthday from his girlfriend, but only guys who are cursed lucky enough to date a blogger  get a WHOLE blog post written just for them {for the entire world to see} on their birthday. 

That's way better, right?.....Right?

Anyway Bill, today is your birthday and I hope it's truly wonderful. And in case you were wondering, here are a few reasons why I love you.

1. Your blue, blue eyes. To be honest, I never considered myself a sucker for blue eyes. I always was more partial to green, and blue just seemed so stereotypical. I mean how many love songs are there that go on and on about "baby blue eyes" or "deep blue eyes" or "bright blue eyes"?  Maybe I just didn't want to be another one of those girls. 

But your eyes are such a pretty shade of blue, and with your dark hair and big smile, well they just light up the room like nothing else. 

2. You clean the kitchen after I make breakfast. Which is quite sexy.

3. You get the little things, and you pay attention to the details.

4. You can bring me out of a grumpy mood faster than anyone with your kiss stealing and how easily you make me laugh.

5. You're an amazing father.

6. You are incredibly graceful under pressure. You can be juggling about 40 million things {which you usually are} and it never shows. You don't {often} take your stress out on other people, and you can let almost anything roll off your back. I am so envious of your amazing strength.

7. You clean when you're angry, which is very productive. All I do when I'm angry is pout and cry and eat chocolate until I pass out. 

8. You're the giver I wish I was. 

9.  You almost always text me good morning first.

10. You're easily the smartest man I know.

11. You always make me feel like I am the only girl in the room when we go out. I never catch you eye balling other girls, or checking out our waitress. Even if you do those things, you have the decency to do them discreetly, and make me feel like I'm the only person there that interests you.

12. You're quite romantic, and in such a sweet and unexpected way.

13. You send me pictures of you randomly, and they always make me smile.

14. You're old fashioned and chivalrous, and I very much adore that.

15. There's just absolutely nothing in the world that melts my heart like your kiss, or the feel of your hand on my face, or my head on your shoulder. When I can hear your heartbeat, and feel your warmth, and smell the cologne that you wear just because I like it. Those moments with you mean more to me than anything.
Thank you for giving me the best love of my entire life.

I'm so glad you were born.



P.S. Thank you for also putting up with me, even though our relationship is basically like this:

Our Weekend: Mother's Day and a Sort-of Birthday

This was a nice weekend.

It started with me having Friday off, which really kind of guarantees a good weekend ahead, and ended with a nice Mother's Day with the kids.

Friday I spent my day off taking my dad to the DMV to get his license, for the first time in about 30 years. 

{It's a long story}

After he passed all his tests, and got his first license in three decades, he was the most excited I've seen him since Jackson was born.

Look at that happy face.

After DMV we celebrated with some delicious pizza and celebratory beers at De Falco's. What else do you do after finally getting legal permission to drive other than go ingest alcohol?

{don't worry, we each only had one and then ate an entire pizza and hung around for a good two hours before we drove again}

Friday night we hung out at Bill's with him and his son, swimming and pigging out on pizza and frozen yogurt. 

Unfortunately I didn't get a single decent picture of the kids all together, clearly:

Saturday Bill and I celebrated his birthday together, which is actually on Wednesday, but we did it early.
Here he is trying to be super serious in his new Ray Ban Aviators:

But don't worry, he couldn't keep it up for long...

Sunday was a very nice mothers day, probably for the first time ever.
I woke up in Bill's arms, I picked up my dad and the kids who were all actually in good moods, we had a delicious breakfast (THAT I DIDN'T PAY FOR-which is honestly a first) and then spent the day at the Scottsdale Library. That might sound lame, but the kids played in the water, and I picked up three really good looking books for $3.00

All in all, it was a pretty damn good Mother's day, and a very very good weekend.

Last but not least, Happy Mother's Day to all of you mommies out there.
And even though it sounds weird, thank you too, to the single daddies who pull double duty for their kids who don't have mothers. Like my dad did, and like so many dads do.
You're a shining example of what fathers should be.

A Letter to My Daughter on Her 8th Birthday

Dear Lainie,

Today you are turning 8, and I have been holding back my tears since the realization became real for me...which was around the exact moment I laid eyes on you this morning.

Your long golden hair all tangled and falling halfway down your little back, your ruby red lips slightly puffy the way they always are when you wake up, and your big brown eyes shining as you ran into my room, standing in the doorway, poised to hear me say the same thing I always say to you, every year, as soon as you wake up on your birthday:

"Good morning Lainie! Today's your happy birthday!"

And as soon as you heard it, you laughed that deep throaty laugh that you do only when you're really really excited. The laugh that reminds me so much of my own.

Jack started whining about something, and I quickly reminded him it was your happy birthday. His whining stopped, and he turned on the spot to yell "Happy Birfday Way-knee!" I love the way he says your name. You smiled your sweet older sister smile, that you get when you're in a good mood and feel like humoring him, and said "Thanks Jack." You sounded so grown up it took my breath away.

I sat up last night looking at your pictures. Looking at how you've changed and grown over the years. From the sweet, chubby cheeked little baby that looked just like my baby pictures, wrapped up in blankets in my 16 year old arms, to the playful, even chubbier cheeked toddler wearing my high heels and running around saying words like "Chopisol" for popsicle and "Miss-a-bit-nose" for Mr. Big Nose, your favorite dinosaur, to the tall, stunningly beautiful little lady who started Kindergarten with all the hope and anticipation in the world.

We've been through so much.

You've grown so much.

You are turning into such a beautiful young lady.

One day, you'll break the heart of every boy you pass in the halls.

Right now, on this day, at this moment, you are halfway to 16. You're in between a newborn and a teenager. What a strange feeling.

I was 16 when I had you. I never imagined how much you would change my life for the better.

I thought the job ahead of me, how much I had to teach you was daunting. I never realized you would teach me as much as you have.

Patience.

Acceptance.

Forgiveness.

Self awareness.

Humor.

Devotion.

And the truest form of unconditional love that exists in this world.

There is nothing like the love that I feel for you, Tiny.

And there is nothing more overwhelming than the pride that surgest through me when I watch you everyday. Presenting your spelling tests, always scored 100%, quietly bent over a canvas painting the most amazing things with such patience, playing with your brother and coming up with the wildest games that I wonder what that little brain of yours is like.

You amaze me, little one.

With every breath you take, with every second of every day of every year that we spend together, you simply amaze me.

You fill me with a love and a joy that brings me to my knees when I imagine you growing up, and growing away.

But for right now, your little hand still fits inside mine, and you still call me Mommy, and run to my arms when I pick you up from school.

We won't be here forever.

You won't be 8 for always.

But I'm enjoying every second of our journey together.

And I will love you til the sea jumps over the mountains and the stars fall right out of the sky.

Happy Birthday, my love.