Thursday, November 25, 2010
I am listening to what is probably my new favorite band. Mumford & Sons. I decided just now that I hope I marry and Irishman, who is actually from Ireland, has the accent and everything. Someone who holds a smoldering cigarette in the corner of his mouth while he plays guitar with silver rings on his fingers. Someone who understands me, drinks dark Irish beer and says things like Laddy, and calls me Love. I decided that just now. And if he could write songs too, thatd be a plus. :)
"It was not your fault, but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didnt I my dear?"
Sunday, November 7, 2010
As I sit here writing this, I am officially DONE not having a car, DONE with being a girl and having PMS, DONE with being over booked, over worked and underhelped, and DONE with this fucking week/month.
Last night was exceptionally bad, and when a good friend came over trying to help, I acted like a psycho, bitch crazy person and probably hurt his feelings, pissed him off and freaked him out. Right about now I just want to retreat into a little teeny tiny hole and hide from everyone because I cannot control my grumpy anger and I am ashamed of how I have taken it out on people.
So. FUCK YOU to the sucky people in my life who have completely let me down and been totally selfish lately. Im So Sorry to the people who have tried to help, and have gotten their heads bitten off or have had to deal with a psycho Italian in return.
I need a good cuddle, a good kiss, a good nights sleep and maybe a night out in the near future. As of right now, I just really need a fucking break. A little bit of understanding and breathing room. I am waiting for the person who knows me best in the world to come over and cheer me up. Some pasta salad, some video games and our favorite TV shows should help alot. And being able to let my guard down and show my weak, scared and insecure side. You gotta let it all out sometime. No one can be strong and perfect all the time.
Goodnight kids. Until next time, we're all just dancing in the dark
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
While I sit up at night, not sleeping, feeling my eyes get puffy and red, feeling wrinkles set into my skin, I think. I think about all the parts of my life. You know, the main things: Money, Love, Family, Sex and personal development. Where all these things have been and where they are and where they might go. I think and think and think until I should be absolutely exhausted. Until I should be able to drop into a coma like sleep and not emerge until some at least one season has come and gone. But nothing. Not even a heavy eyelid, or a yawn.
Lately, I have been thinking alot about love. Love seems to occupy my mind like a foreign army. Marching around and putting up flags. Claiming territories in my mind that once belonged to idle thoughts about mundane nothingness. Love takes up any free space there is or was, and occasionally forces out useful ideas and helpful thought processes and barges in with its hearts and flowers and sappy music.
I am starting to hate thoughts about love. I am beginning to hate this merry go round I have been riding for a year and a half, that seems to only become more convoluted and unclear with each passing day. At least there once was a time when affection was clearly evident, and I at least knew for sure that I charmed my halfway sweetheart. Now I cannot decipher affection from lust, or true amoration from tolerance, or desire and passion from comfort. Somedays I think he cant stand me. He barely looks at me, talks dryly and keeps his hands to himself. Somedays I am certain he adores me, as he kisses me, and laughs at my jokes. But that warmth in his gaze, those loving turns of phrase, the sweet tiny gestures, they have yet to return. And I am left open mouthed and wanting.
I am so tired of thoughts about love, and the never ending question
"He loves me, he loves me....not."
Friday, October 1, 2010
I thought for 5 minutes today that I might never see my son again. I thought I would be handing out MISSING posters to neighbors and be pleading on the news to the kidnapper to please bring my baby home. I put him to bed tonight in his own bed. I tucked in my little boy and my sweet girl. And I felt so lucky. I felt like I had just brought them both home from the hospital all over again. I hope I never have to wonder where my children are. I hope I never miss a day of their lives. I hope all the missing babies in the world come home safely. I hope God is answering those parent's prayers, the way he answered my daughter's prayer today. I hope you all kiss your kids goodnight tonight.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
"Maybe you knew early on that your track was from A to B, but unlike you I wasn't given a fucking map at birth! So I tried it all! That is until we, that's You and I got together, and suddenly I was sated! Can't you take some fucking comfort in that?"
"You turned out to be all I was looking for. The missing piece in the big fucking puzzle"
Such a heartbreaking, lovely and tragic story about love, life and the hang ups that keep us from enjoying both.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
1. Rivers of Babylon by Sublime: Reminds me of being 19 singing this in my car, driving around aimlessly on nights when I couldnt sleep, and Reminds me currently of Batman driving me home. How comfortable the silence between us was as this song played.
2. Tangled up in blue by Bob Dylan: The first Dylan song I remember clearly. I danced to it in the living room with my dad when I was 5. Its one of the happiest memories I have of both my parents.
3. Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind: Reminds me of getting over an ex when I was 19
4. If You could Only See by Tonic: Reminds me of my dad dating crazy Tonya when I was 11. They loved this song and listened to it all the damn time.
5. I'll follow you into the dark by Deathcab for cutie: Reminds me of first love
6. Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry: Reminds me of being young and crazy with Lucia Williams
7. Silent All these Years by Tori Amos: Reminds me of growing up. LOVED this song from the time I was in middle school and still love it.
8. Free Fallin by Tom Petty: Reminds me of being little and dancing in my bedroom. I had the biggest crush on Tom Petty. Music like his reminds me alot of my Dad too. I had a Tom Petty T-Shirt that I wore to bed when my dad was out of town because I missed him.
9. Anything by Sublime, Everclear or Offspring reminds me of my brother. He used to let me come into his room and listen to music with him when my parents were fighting so I wouldnt be scared. "Dont look at the ceiling!" of course I always did. There were naked pictures of girls on it lol.
10. Hard to decide which song, but Plans the whole album by Deathcab for Cutie reminds me of Dating justin, and then of last summer with Batman. Mixed feelings, bittersweet memories. Mistakes we cant take back, and things I hope I never forget.
11. Sugar We're Goin Down by Fallout Boy reminds me of when I was 17/18 hanging out with Shayne McPheirson and driving around singing and killing time
12. Over My head by the Fray reminds me of Lucia and Justin. Nough said about that. :)
13. Melt My Heart to Stone by Adele reminds me of hanging out with Dave, singing to him and our crazy insane friendship.
14. Wrong by Depeche Mode reminds me of my cousin Lindsay. It was the first song my son danced to at her house when he was 10 months old.
15. Mockingbird by Eminem reminds me of my life and my children
16. River by Joni Mitchell reminds me love lost and all the times I wanted to escape.
17. The Taste of Ink by the Used reminds me of coming into my own in High school
18. Relief by Chris Garneau reminds me of my McMegglez.
19. Most of Panic! At the Disco reminds me of Lucia, and also of Josh Franks. Our dearly departed friend. Miss you buddy. Thunderclap!
20. Foolish Games by Jewel reminds me of my childhood. I used to play this song when I was falling asleep at night, and sing it to myself to fight off the dark and all the feelings of fear and loneliness swimming around my room.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
You would think I would know this for sure by now. But sometimes I need to be reminded. And the remembering always hurts so much.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Why do you find me, no matter where I go?
How are you so apt at sneaking up behind me on crowded busses and trains, or sliding into the seat next to me in restaurants and bars, and pressing your cold bony hands against my shoulders, holding me in place and beckoning "Remember......"
I don't want to remember this. And though the memories fade a little every day, their color a little less bright, their taste a little less fresh in my mouth, the feeling of them is there. So familiar and real. The way the blind cannot see the hands of their mother, but knows their touch from the touch of a hundred others. I know these memories, even if I can barely see them anymore. And they come to with their hands and lips and hair and smell more than their face. His eyes they gaze at me, through pictures. I hate you for it. I want to ask you so many things, But I want to tell you only one. It's been too long, this should be over now.
And the past should be moving on.
Visiting someone else
Haunting another's dreams.
But it will not leave, and I can feel you in my sleep.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Jackson has been doing well at daycare. The adventures in potty training continue! No luck yet, but they are trying hard at his school too, so maybe the group effort will eventually pay off. Who knows.
As for me, I am still doin the single mom thing. Trying to get stay busy with the doula stuff and the childbirth classes. Summer was really slow for me, which always freaks me out. I need to practice my Zen or something, right? My car broke down a couple days ago, so I've been dealing with that. If anyone in the world is more used to Armageddon falling down on them at the worst moment, I don't want to meet them or know what their life must be like. I can barely handle my own sometimes. But I have some friends that love me, and a little bit of family too. I always turn it around. Always. One way or another.
You can't start a fire without a spark.
Even if we're just dancin' in the dark.