Friday, May 31, 2013

The Friday Diary: No links or anything because I'm conserving all my energy to put toward pretending to like summer.

Happy friday, lovers!
Today is an exceptionally good day, because it's Friday, it's jeans day, AND it's payday.
The trifecta of amazing.
All I need now is some queso dip and a margarita and I will literally be the happiest girl ever.

Now that it's officially summer in Arizona, the kids are out of school, the temperature is creeping up to boob-sweat-degrees, and I'm punishing everyone who doesn't own sunglasses by flashing my ghostly white, literally glowing, legs all over town in shorts and sundresses.
I'm trying really hard to not hate summer this year.
{for more information about my hatred of summer, just search 'summer' in that handy dandy search box on your right and you will find no less than 30 posts about why I hate it - and it's not just because of the boob sweat}
Each weekend I am trying to pack our days with fun summertime things to do.
I stocked the house with water guns, water balloons, and stuff to make popsicles every day of the week.
We're going to the splash pad, the water park, and obviously the dollar theater because it's cheap, there's air conditioning and nobody cares if your 5 year old talks the whole time.
Also I should just buy stock in the sunscreen industry now, right?

So, this weekend we'll be swimming with friends, bike riding in Tempe, visiting the splash pad at least once, and making popsicles.

What do you do when it's hotter than Satan's jacuzzi outside?

Happy Friday my loves!
Keep it in your pants.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Duplicities and Finalities

The last week I was quiet on the blog.
I didn't post any pictures of Jack's party, the Friday Diary lay forgotton in my Drafts folder, I never told you what my goal for the week was.
I took a four day weekend and didn't write a word.
I read my favorite chapters and lines from my favorite books, hung out with my favorite people, and let everything slow down a little.
There are some things in my life that are in flux right now, and I get quieter online when I'm anticipating change, experiencing change, or adapting to change.
I'm a writer, and endings are hard for me.
They're the most difficult part of even the most complicated stories.
That doesn't mean they're bad necessarily, it just means that they don't come easily for me, not matter how right or necessary they might be.

Don't worry. I'll be back to my regular smart ass self before too long.
Happy Tuesday. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013


For a long time, the two of us have lived a nameless life.
An existence that seems to fit only between different boxes and labels, but inside none of them.
In the restless stirring of morning, as the sun spills unabashedly through your wide open windows, and I kiss your face every time I turn in my sleep to reposition myself, I feel like maybe right now, right here I might belong to you.
Not later, once we've dressed and eaten and stepped back out into the real world, with our real names and real lives. I don't ever seem to belong to you then.
Then I am just a girl.
A girl who knows you but is forever at a comfortable distance.
A girl who knows you but shouldn't ever let on to how well.
A girl who is indistinguishable from any other.
But here, here in the place where sleep is slowly retreating but wakefulness hasn't completely arrived,
Here where the morning is yawning open but the day has yet to really begin,
Here where we can still be tangled together like the sheets, like the ancient roots of trees, like all the ties that keep us together made from all the unspeakable things,
Here I can be yours and you can be mine.
And there won't be any pictures or any proof, 
Any marks across your neck or promises made that we'll have to live up to in front of anyone else.
Just the memory of the words, and the remnants of our dreams, and the space below my shoulder where you kiss me and bury your face when you don't want to be awake yet
So no one but us will ever know.
Maybe I can belong to you here.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Jackson's Fifth Happy Birthday

Jackson, today you are five. 
You've been counting down the months, weeks, days and hours until this moment since New Years, and it's finally here. 
Why were you in such a hurry to get here?
The presents, I guess.
You are just as full of personality and opinions as ever, and you bring a lot of life and spunk to this house.
Not that there is any shortage of spunk, what with you and your sister both taking after your dear old Mom like you do. But we could always use a little more.
You are headstrong, inquisitive, curious and imaginative. 
You never stop pretending, daydreaming, or playing for a second.
Unless you pause to ask another question, of course.
You play, even in bed, right up until the second you fall asleep. 
It's the cutest thing.
You want to know everything, and you do not back down in that quest for knowledge. 
You ask me probably 200,000 questions a day, and you have since you were old enough to talk.
The thing that makes it mostly bearable is that I can tell you genuinely need to know. 
You aren't just mindlessly chattering, you are studying. You are examining your world and taking it all in, and that's amazing.
And kid, you are honest.
You do not hold back with what you want to say, and it is as awesome as it is sometimes embarrassing.
If you're afraid, shy, sad, angry, frustrated or just plain done, you say so in no uncertain terms. 
The other day I tried to clip your fingernails when you didn't want me to, and you very firmly said "I am the boss of my body, and I said no"
I was very proud of you for standing up for yourself, even though it was frustrating because your nails DID NEED to be cut. Badly.
Still, I hope you never lose that.
Over all, the thing that always wins out in your personality is your sweetness.
You are so loving and affectionate with everyone. 
You kiss the cat and call her a sweetie pie, you hug me constantly, and when your sister will let you, you fawn over her like she's the light of your life.
And I'm sure at this age she really is.
You completed our family, and you never cease to amaze me.
Happy birthday, Jackson Cassidy.
Mommy loves you bigger than anyone.

Friday, May 17, 2013

The Friday Diary: This week wasn't terrible, so let's all do jell-o shots

Hey everyone, look! It's Friday! Can you believe it?!
Me neither.

This was actually a pretty good week.
Not yelling at my kids reduced the stress in our house by about a bajillion percent {that's some hardcore scientific results right there}, and even though I did slip up a couple times {both in the morning when we were trying to leave the house, actually} I feel like I did really well with this goal. Better than I expected, being a half Scottish half Italian and 100% thug kind of parent.

Last night was the Grey's Anatomy season 9 finale, AND I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT. I don't have cable, so I have to watch everything the day after it airs, on Hulu. If you need me tonight I'll be the sad girl on the couch nervously eating chips.

Last weekend I saw The Great Gatsby after 5 solid days of reading nothing but terrible reviews from critics in just about every online "news" publication out there. I went to the movie with my guard up. I was hoping it would be wonderful, but afraid it would be terrible, so I ate my weight in shrimp tacos before hand to prepare myself.
Y'all, it was amazing.
The Great Gatsby is and always will be one of my favorite books, so imagine how my little heart soared when they used real dialogue from the original story! And the way that this director brought the characters to life was breathtaking. Also I love the way that he always uses modern music as the soundtrack for his "classic" movies. When Lana Del Rey sang Young and Beautiful through the montage of Gatsby showing Daisy the home he put together for her, I cried.
So perfect.

The end of the school year is fast approaching for Lainie, which means the beginning of Jackson's first school year is approaching as well.
It's literally all we talk about at home anymore: what it will be like for Jackson in Kindergarten.
He has so many questions, and I am both happy and sad about this time for him.

There was also a delicious lunch at Houston's, and I did 60 squats the other night so...there's that.

All in all, even though it was relatively quiet and uneventful, this week was good. And now I get to look forward to tomorrow: Jackson's birthday party, and the adoption of his very first kitty, which he has preemptively decided to name either Keiko or Fur Ball, regardless of the cat's appearance or gender.
I'm looking forward to a good weekend.

Happy Friday everyone.
Don't get pregnant.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dear Friend, On Your Birthday


Dear Friend, 
Today is your birthday.
I don't know what you wished for {because you never tell me} but whatever it is, I hope you get it.
I hope today is as wonderful as it possibly can be, because you deserve the happiest of happy birthdays, and the happiest of regular days too.

And in case you didn't know...
1. You rock a black t-shirt like nobody's biz
2. You're funny as hell. Even when I'm mad and your jokes are inappropriate.
3. You're my best friend.

So here's to you.

Monday, May 13, 2013

May Weekly Dares: Chill, Bitch

I love my kids.
They're sweet, and love-able, and have the most precious little faces that you can't help but kiss the living fuck out of.
Being their mom is truly awesome.
Except for sometimes when they're not sleeping and actually awake, wandering around the house whining and breaking my shit and refusing to eat every single thing I cook for them.
I have a bad habit of yelling at my kids.
My neighbors must either hate me or think I am the worst mom ever, because they probably hear me scream at my precious little cherubs roughly fifty times a day {who has time to count when they're laying the smack-down?}
To be honest, I don't like it. 
Yelling is ugly and scary and it makes me feel awful and sick to my stomach. 
I hated being yelled at when I was a kid, and every time I yell across the house for my angel babies to GETBACKINBEDRIGHTTHISSECONDORSOHELPMEGOD, I just feel like the worst.
So this week, no yelling at my kids.
If I can't get them to stop being insane without yelling, then I will resort to spraying them with the hose.
I'll force myself to get a little more creative and try to find ways to get through to them without scaring the literal piss out of them.
Wish me luck.

Mother's Day

I'm back!
Taking a little break was really good. It ended up being exactly what I needed to recharge my creativity and come back with plenty of new posts planned.
So yay.
Today is Monday and I know we're supposed to talk about the new dare for this week, but first I want to take a quick second to talk about mother's day.
Normally this is one of my least favorite days of the year.
I feel like it's over hyped, and unless you have older kids or an amazing husband/boyfriend/partner, it ends up being kind of depressing.
This year it was not.
Thanks to some very sweet and thoughtful friends, it was quite honestly the sweetest mother's day I've ever had.
So thank you, to those people who went so far out of their way to make it a good day.
You're almost definitely getting into heaven now.

I'll be back tomorrow to lay out this week's dare.
Until then, let's all have six cups of coffee and just try to hold on for Friday.

Happy monday!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Recipes: Caprese Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

So I know I said that I wasn't posting this week, and I had every intention of honoring that, but then these sandwiches happened, and I just couldn't keep them secret until next week. 
They were far too delicious, and clearly, they photograph quite well.
I appreciate photogenic foods.

Anyway, enough jibber jabber. Let's get to the good stuff: how to make the sanwiches.

What you're going to need is simple:
Tomatoes {I used Roma and it took two of them to make 4 sandwiches}
1 loaf of french bread
Olive oil
Garlic powder, salt and pepper
Fresh basil
Mozzarella {the little ball thing of it that you get at the deli. Not the shredded stuff, and for the love of God not the rock hard block of it next to the sandwich meat}

Simple enough, right?
I know for regular Caprese you use Balsamic vinegar, but it really doesn't do well on these sandwiches, so just skip it.

Start off by buttering all the pieces of bread you're going to need on one side in advance. Once the skillet is nice and hot you're going to want to be able to assemble the sandwiches quickly.
Next, spray your pan or use a very very good non-stick one, and heat it to about medium. At least that's the setting on my stove that it should be to grill things without blackening them. You know your stove best.
Next, throw a piece of buttered french bread butter side down in the hot skillet, and add a nice thick slice of mozarella, one or two big basil leaves, and your tomato slices.
Drizzle on top of the tomatoes with a little bit of olive oil, then season with garlic, salt and pepper to taste.
Add the top piece of bread and grill both sides until they're as brown and crispy as you like them. 
The first couple times you flip the sandwich you have to go slow and be careful to hold it together, since it will be rather high until the cheese melts down a bit.
Once it's done, eat it nice and hot with a good crispy deli pickle spear, or garlic stuffed green olives, and then brag about it on Facebook like I did.
These things are way good.

Monday, May 6, 2013

May Weekly Dares: Step Off

Each week during May I will be attempting to complete a new dare.
This week: step off.

This will be my only post this week.
For the next seven days, I will be quitting the internet.
I feel burned out, and the idea of writing right now makes me dizzy.
There's a lot going on in my personal life, and too many important things are at a crossroads.
None of it is at a point where I can write honestly about it, and anything I say right now is going to feel like more complaining.
So Imma just step off, and chill for a bit.
I need to unplug and focus inward and find out what exactly I'm going to do from here.
That includes not only the blog, but Facebook, Twitter, and most of my friends will probably hear from me less too.
Nothing personal, y'all.
Hopefully a little rest gives me the energy to come back and attack some shit with renewed determination, or at the very least puts some shit in perspective and gives me the clarity of heart and mind to walk away from what is no longer right for me.
I guess we'll see.
If you want something to read while I'm gone, I'll be re-reading The Great Gatsby to amp myself up for the movie coming out this weekend.
Join me, won't you?

Friday, May 3, 2013

The Friday Diary: I will never ask for something exciting to happen ever again. Or at least not until the next time I get bored.

So, remember last week when I was all "I'm in a rut, I need something new and exciting to happen"?
Well, be careful what you wish for, kids.
That morning, I got in a car accident on my way to work.
I'm fine, and the guys WHO REAR ENDED ME AT A RED LIGHT is also fine, and my car isn't too damaged, so it's not a major deal, but still, I'm still sort of pissed about it.
Also, that weekend my friend tried to do something fun and exciting for me, and it basically fell apart in a flaming pile of shit because I am the worst.
So you just remember that the next time you ask for something NEW and something EXCITING because it will most likely be a car accident and a drunken fight in Scottsdale at 11 p.m.
This week I dared myself to go an entire week without complaining.
I planned to be stoic and serene and more diplomatic than usual, but I was not.
I am a whiny bastard, and I complained just as much as usual.
Also, Lainie brought home a permission slip this week for Sex Ed, except now they try and trick you by calling it "Human Growth and Development", but its still absolutely sex education.
First of all, she's in third grade.
I don't remember it starting that early when I was kid. The first sex ed class I had was in sixth grade, and it was awkward as all hell because instead of bringing in an instructor, our regular every day teacher taught it, and listening to words like "Vulva" and "Penis" and "Ejaculate" come out of her mouth was just too weird.
Second of all, I don't know how I feel about the state teaching my kid about sex.
I mean these are the same people who completely leave out the fact that the first slave owner was black, or that it was the Republican party that formed with the intention of abolishing slavery, or that Charlie Chaplin looked a lot like Hitler, but they weren't actually the same person. For years I thought Hitler was an actor turned politician, and his later actions seriously tainted my views on whether or not actors should be allowed to run for office, making the time that Arnold Schwarzenegger was running in California very stressful for me.
In the end I signed the permission slip, but this weekend Lainie and I will be going to Taco Bell for lunch and a proper sex education. An experience which I hope will completely educate her on the issue of sex and her body, and also ruing Taco Bell for her forever. Win, win.
Things are pretty regular in the world of Jackson.
He's still sweet and affectionate and super weird.
He's obsessed with cats, which is adorable, but the other night he told me he wanted hundreds of cats so he could cut off their hair and make a blanket out of it.
I still can't make eye contact with him after that.
This weekend I'll be partying down with my hetero-lifemate Meghan.
I have a full bottle of Crown and a freshly charged iPod, so there may even be some terribly awkward dance party pictures or god forbid videos for you all next week.

Happy Friday.
Let's make this weekend weird.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

If anyone can turn birthday gifts for five year olds into an entire blog post, it's me because I ramble.

Jackson is turning five in 17 days from today.
{pause for a moment of grief filled sadness, mixed with WE FINALLY MADE IT OUT OF THE TODDLER YEARS joy}
I started looking for gifts for him over two months ago, and have still found nothing.
Well, that's not true.
I found tons of stuff.
Piles of stuff.
The problem is, it's all just. more. toys. and after the Lice Outbreak of 2013 which left me disinfecting our entire house and every toy in it, I'm in a NOMORETOYSEVERWEHAVETOOMUCHSHIT mood.
I know that's no fun for a little boy who is turning five, and it probably makes me legitimately the meanest mommy ever, but y'all, I am just so tired of stuff.
Stuff everywhere.
So much stuff I have to buy more stuff to have a place to put all our stuff.
I thought about getting him a kitten of his very own, because he really, really wants one, but we like just got Wednesday, and she's just started to seem to feel at home with us.
I thought about getting him some more board games, because he likes those, but I don't want to be THAT MOM who gives her kids board games and socks as presents.
Something that gets him up off the couch and away from the T.V.
Something that gets him outside, playing with other kids.
Something that's somewhat useful and not just more. stuff.
I'm probably way over thinking a birthday gift for a five year old, but....that's who I am, let's be real.

What do you get your kids for their birthday?