Friday, May 25, 2012

The Age Difference, Part Deux


When I wrote about the age difference between Bill and I before, I mainly told you about the questions I get asked all. the damn. time. whenever someone finds out how far apart we are in age.
It was a fun, mostly lighthearted post about how curious other people are.
What I didn't tell you about were the challenges that come with dating someone older than you.
I didn't tell you about the moments where the age difference feels very real, and very obvious.
The moments where your heart just aches because you know you can't always live in a perfect world where you're in love and nothing else matters.
Because this is the real world, and sometimes other things matter.
Things like other people's biases. 
The idea that some people have that your relationship being different than theirs makes it wrong, or inappropriate, or inconceivable. 
The way that when some people react poorly to finding out you're dating someone older, makes you feel like you got slapped in the face for something you didn't do.
Most of the time, most people don't even care, so when you run into that 1 out of 100 people that do care, and are not so nice in their way of telling you they care, it shocks you. It almost stuns you speechless, and maybe it's just me, but I almost feel like I'm at a complete loss for words when all I want to do is scream "FUCK YOU" in their face, because they don't know me, or us, and it's none of their damn business.
I didn't tell you about things like trying to find couple friends.
A lot of people my age are not in the same place or at the same maturity level that I am {not that I'm any better of a person, or there is anything wrong with them, we're just different} and while that's usually fine for us just being friends, it makes it hard to feel comfortable bringing them around Bill, because I know someone is going to have a difficult time relating, and things could get awkward.
On the flip side, some of the people Bill's age are so set in their preconceived notions of how I am going to be, given my age, that they probably wouldn't jump at the chance to hang out with us either, thinking I will be an obnoxious 20 something who wants to go clubbing and act a fool.
There aren't many couples I know with similar age differences between them, but if there were that would probably be ideal.
I didn't tell you about things like family pressure. 
Have you ever been in love with someone that your family tried to tell you was "just a phase"?
Have they ever said "That's nice, and I'm sure you're having fun now. But sooner or later you'll need to get serious and find someone your own age"?
That shit hurts.
The fact of the matter is, no one is in our relationship, so it's hard for them sometimes to understand what we see in each other.
There are a lot of preconceived notions about both of us, from both age groups. 
People my age assume I'm dating some boring old man who wants to have dinner at 4:30 and fall asleep watching the news at 6p.m.
People his age assume he's just trying to score some sweet young tail, and when he gets tired of following me around in the club scene, he'll find a woman his age.
People on my side think I have daddy issues.
People on his side don't take our relationship seriously.
It's fucking hard.
And it's hard to get passed the desire to try and change everyone's mind.
To try to make them see how good we are to each other, how much we love each other, how compatible we are.
There's no way to change anyone's mind.
You can let them get to know you as a person, and the two of you as a couple, and hope they see what a great thing this is, but at the end of the day you can't win 'em all.

What I always come back to in my head, though, is that I could be with someone my own age if I wanted to, and so could Bill.
It would be easier in a lot of ways, as it would eliminate all of those judgments and biases and awkward situations.
But I choose this. Even though It's harder, even though it's misunderstood and unconventional, I choose it because it's so completely right for me.
What I wish more people would ask themselves, is why would I choose a relationship that inherently comes with more challenges, if this wasn't what made me truly happy?
If I didn't believe this is where I belong?
If I wasn't completely serious about this?
Why would I purposely take the hard road, if I didn't know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was the only road that lead to home?

I believe that home is not a place. 
It's who you find when you get there.
And when I look into my heart, and I try to imagine home, Bill is always waiting with open arms at the end of that road.

Maybe keep that in mind, the next time you meet a less than ordinary couple.


  1. Sarah, I know it is hard but you and Bill have a good thing going. You are much more mature than a lot of people I know. Quite often women mature faster than guys. Your situation is unique and cannot be boxed. The most important thing is to have each others soul wrapped around one another. As long as you have that, who cares about the ages.

    1. Thank you! That was very kind an insightful. I appreciate that. I'd love to know who this is, if you dont mind...Do I know you in "real life"? The suspense is killing me! :)

  2. We used to work for Vanguard... I still check in from time to time to see how things are going.


    1. CHUCK!!!! Awww I miss working with you. Hows your wife?! Where are you working? What's new??

  3. I am working at yet another fricking call center but the same one since Vanguard. My wife and I are doing well. We are planning to go to London at the end of August (after the Olympics) to visit may wife's family.

    So far I am a 4.0 average student at Rio Salado, which is really freaking me out because I was always a C student. I guess it is because I want to get out of the call center rut soooo bad :)

    I had a huge customer service fiasco with Adobe (the makers of Photoshop etc.) but it looks like they sorted things out after posting a message on their Facebook page. I wish it wouldn't have come to that but they kind of forced my hand when they would not back up their promise.

    Other than that, things are well.