Monday, December 23, 2013

Merry Christmas, and the Year in Review


So, it's almost Christmas, and it looks like we all survived.
I have a tiny bit more shopping to do {the day before Christmas Eve....I know} because I thought I was done, and then remembered stocking stuffers {fml} and still have to get all the stuff for dinner tomorrow night, but other than that, I'm trying to just relax and enjoy it. I didn't stab anyone at Wal-Mart or the mall, so lets call this holiday season a win, ok?

All kinds of exciting things have happened lately, though.
I've been booked like crazy with photo shoots, Bill, Jackson and I went to Flagstaff last weekend,  I shot a wedding on a Wednesday in a Z Tejas, which may never ever happen again, and on Sunday, I met Bill's mom.
I know. 
Holy. Shit. You Guys.
She was super sweet, and reminded me a little of my people from Long Island. She didn't cuss as much as they do, and she was a lot less flashy {let's sum it up with her not being Italian} but she had a similar sense of humor, and the slightest hint of an accent. Hugging her goodbye made me miss my Nana so much.
I was nervous as a cat in a sack, but her and Jorge {Bills bonus dad} were so nice. We had coffee and pancakes, and I saw pictures of a wee little Bill, who looked quite a bit like Jackson. Also, he had a pencil mustache and beginners mullet in high school, so if I get arrested in the near future, you know it's because I broke into his mom's house to steal that picture, have it printed on an Afghan, and gave it to everyone I know for Christmas.
Still, can't believe that finally happened.

Normally I do a year in review on New Years Eve, but my posting here has been inconsistent at best, so while I'm sitting here doing it, we may as well get that out of the way for safe measure. 

In January, my dad was living with me, I was working at Walton, and Bill and I went to Tucson. That was also the month that we broke up for the last time. I set a bunch of goals for 2013, most of which I did not accomplish, because I am a disorganized asshole. Also, my life has a way of "bunching up on me" as my Nana used to say, and that shit just isn't gonna change.
By February, things with my dad and I were becoming tense, and I knew he'd have to move out soon. My goal for the month was to spend more time with Lainie, which I did, and it was awesome. We also adopted our cat Wednesday, and I waxed emo about break ups and other shit.
In March I bought a new car, cut my hair, and tried to make my house a home.
April was No Spend Month, AKA the biggest fucking disaster in goal setting history. 
May was supposed to be "Do Something Special For Someone Special" because I set those goals before Bill and I broke up, and I was going to take him to Vegas for his birthday, but then we broke up and I was all "EMOTIONS" and he was all "LOGIC" and nothing worked out, so I ended up just buying Jack a kitten and calling it good.
This was also the month that I got a restraining order on my dad. 
May was hard.
June's goal was to write every day, which I didn't. Things at work were starting to hit the wall, with my boss moving the other girl on our team, who had long since been the focus of all of his bullshit, to a different department, and hiring his best friend's nanny to replace her. Looking back, that was the beginning of the end of my time at Walton.
July's goal was to go to the beach. We didn't make it, but we spent every free minute at the pool, or in the sprinklers. We hung out with friends, we barbecued, we rested. July was good.
In August I was supposed to start my book. I did, but I didn't finish it. I don't want to write about my childhood, but every time I pick up a pen, it's what comes out. I fight it, but I need it, and until I can reconcile those two things, I will forever be too close to the situation to write the truth about it.
Septembers goal was to send letters and packages to close friends. Real mail. Tangible things.
Instead, I made some very final decisions about Walton, my career, our future. I started getting serious about booking photo shoots and weddings, making a website, and buying better gear. 
Shit started happening.
By October things were all but over at Walton. My boss accused me of stealing his expense reimbursement check, the nanny he'd hired into our department was reporting back every single thing I said about anything, ever. She was spying on me and he was encouraging it. I cried every day. I vowed to be out of there by January.
On November 1st, the decision was made for me, and we parted ways. 
I sobbed on the way home. 
I bought some Crown and drank and ranted and felt betrayed.
The next day, I picked my ass up and went to Bill's house and he told me nicely to get my shit together.
He said it was ok to be scared and it was ok to be mad, but I was a photographer, and that was my path, and this was just an opportunity that came sooner than I'd planned for.
We went to see a movie, and as we sat in the theater watching previews, his words sunk in: I was a business owner. We smiled at each other and I was excited.
Now it's the end of December. Two months into doing this full time. I've paid my bills, fed my kids, and I think we're going to be ok.

It's amazing what can happen in a year.

Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013


adam scott
I've never been accused of being a patient person.
I want to know everything. What's going to happen, how it's going to go, whether it will really be ok, or not.
And I want to know right. now.
But at the same time I love surprises....
I've also never been accused of being easy to understand.
I digress.
It's almost the end of the year.
This year has brought so many things.
Some good, some horrible, some scary, and some amazing. I find myself feeling oddly nervous about 2014. I don't know why. I know that a new year really bears no actual significance over the one prior. Time is an ever moving loop, after all. It's just another day, right after the one before it, and before the one after it. Your life has no comprehension of the fact that a new year has started, a therefor most likely won't change on it's own because of that.
Still, I worry.
I feel stress about January and February, because I have little booked for those months right now. 
I feel anxious about relationships, both friendships and relationships of the intimate variety.
I feel like things are, or will soon be, at turning points in both areas, and I don't know which way anything will go, or what will happen, or how it will all turn out, and I'm nervous.
 I find my brow furrowed without realizing it more and more these days.
When I was younger my mom would see me doing that, and always told me if I kept thinking so hard I was going to break something.
But there is a new year coming, and nothing now is the way it was at this time 12 months ago, so as inaccurate as it probably is, I have this feeling in the way bottom of myself, that says the year ahead will almost be like living a completely different life.
Like I said, I could be wrong.

I just feel like everything is about to change.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Oh, Hey December, When Did You Happen?

Happy December.

Hi there.
Somehow it is December.
I don't really know how this happened, but it did, and no Christmas is 21 days away and I have bought one gift.
We did get our tree up last night though.
I assembled it, added extra lights, the kids decorated it, I had wine.
Team effort, you guys.

Things have been sort of crazy cakes up in here lately.
Thanksgiving week is almost entirely a blur of work, turkey, people in my house, and minor catastrophe.
The day before Thanksgiving, I agreed to go to Sedona to do a family portrait session for some people who were coming into town from Texas. I decided to take the kids, because they'd never been there.
My photo shoot was at 3, and we left at 7 in the morning.

Needless to say, after an entire day in the car/a new town with two little kids, plus photographing 13 people for an hour, by the time we got home at 8 that night, I was ready to basically just pass out.
I did, which meant that nobody took the turkey out of the fridge to let it finish thawing out, which meant I awoke to 20 pounds of almost completely frozen turkey.
And I had people coming over, but didn't know when.
And I couldn't find my bra-like, anywhere.
Annnnnnnd then Lainie locked my keys in my car.
It was pretty much amazing.

Friends showed up though, with booze and suggestions, and we figured it out.
The turkey got cooked and nobody got sick, the keys were freed from the car without paying for a locksmith, and I eventually found my bra.

And then I went ahead and worked for the next four days straight instead of taking at least Friday off, because fuck weekends!

Did I mention I more or less slept all day yesterday?
Because I did, after I took the kids to school.
Not even sorry. Felt SO good.

Next weekend I have nothing booked so far, and it looks like I might be in San Diego, at least for 24 hours, and I'm kind of super ready for that.
November was a month of pure insanity, it feels like, trying to get this business going.
Looking back it was like I had tunnel vision, and all I could see was booking enough work to do this full time, pay our bills, make it through the holidays, don't die, etc.
I'm still in super-focused-sarah mode, but I'm trying to also see what's around me this month too.
Because it is December.
Christmas is almost here.
And we are doing OK.

I'm grateful.