More Things I Don't Get

I think it's official. 

I'm incapable of being successfully trendy. I try, I do, but I just never seem to understand the majority of trends. 

Pinterest never seems to fail in the area of giving me more shit I just don't get. Sometimes when I'm browsing it's pages {for hours} I stumble upon things that make me think "why?"

Things like:

Wine Cork Crafts

Wreathes, coasters, picture frames, cork boards...the ideas are endless. And ridiculous. As the daughter of a hoarder, I sometimes want to comment on these things and remind people: wine corks are trash. They are no better than the lids to your milk cartons. And really, you only get them from finishing a bottle of wine. So having enough to make a HUGE wreath out of them...doesn't that really just scream "Look what an alcoholic I am!" I mean, if you saw someone collect all their cigarette butts and paint them fancy colors, then make shit out of them, you'd be disgusted. Why is this any better? Because wine is classier?

Um, if you've ever seen a housewife on her  4th glass of white after an emotional episode of Sex and the City, you'd find nothing classy about wine.

The Obsessive Need to Improve Things:

Do you know where I got the above picture?

From a pin about how you don't have to peel hard boiled eggs if you cut them in half and then scoop the insides out with a spoon.

Really?

Because it's so fucking hard to peel a damn egg?

And because busting out TWO utensils instead of using your damn hands and a garbage bag actually makes anything any easier?

Don't get me wrong, I am all for improving life in small ways and I have found endless ways to organize my house, exfoliate my face and spend 200 bucks a month on groceries for 3 people.

But some improvements are just stupid.

I want to see a pin that's about using something for it's actual purpose.

Making Fat Foods Skinny Foods:

I don't get this, and not only do I not understand it, it pisses me off. DON'T MAKE MY FAT FOODS SKINNY.

If I am going to break down and eat junk food, I want the satisfaction of eating my self loathing in the form of saturated fat, calories, refined sugars and carbs. Glorious, glorious carbs.

If I want to eat healthy, I want it to taste freaking healthy so I can feel smug and self righteous about myself after eating it.

I don't want to be all "Oooh that cucumber tasted like pizza thanks to this recipe I found involving chili powder and Quinoa" I want to be all "Hey, that cucumber I just ate tasted EXACTLY like a damn cucumber and I ate it anyway. ON PURPOSE. I rule!"

Some awesome "skinny" recipes you can find online:

Skinny cheese fries. What. The. Fuck.

Skinny barbecue

Skinny quesadillas.

Really, just fucking shoot me.

Things I Don't Get

There are so many things exploding with popularity right now, it's insane. 

And sadly, I've jumped on the bandwagon for most of them. 

Pinterest? Absolutely.

Grey's Anatomy? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Becoming a DIY crazed crafty crafter? Well....in my dreams anyway. Not yet in real life.

Using Mason jars for absolutely everything? OHMYGODYES.

Oh, yeah, I also joined the world wide lust for Channing Tatum and Patrick Dempsey. 

I get it now, ladies. 

I get it.

However there are some trends that I just cannot get on board with no matter how bad I try, and secretly really want to. It's Tuesday and I'm bored because Bill is out of town with his kids and I have no one to have lunch with, so I decided the best use of my time would be to list all those things here.

{No, I shouldn't be actually working instead, BILL.}

1. Shades of Grey. Up until the other day I totally thought that this Christian Grey everyone was talking about, was Meredith's brother. Honestly, I love erotic literature. Literotica, as I like to refer to it. It's awesome. You can get your porn on without actually having to watch someone be degraded, abused, and smacked in the face with various genitalia. But after like 29 million of my co-workers started raving about this book, I picked it up and flipped through it in the book section at Target {yes, sometimes I look for good literature at Target, DON'T JUDGE ME THEY HAVE EVERYTHING}. I read all of about 6 paragraphs and had to put it down-nay, throw it down. The writing is awful. Just....awful. If you're going to try to seduce my mind, you need to have better linguistic elegance than "Laters Baby". I'm sorry, I couldn't get over that shit. It just sounded too much like something a 14 year old girl would say in a text, or to your face whilst giving you a new age "i have no idea what peace signs mean" peace sign and flipping her hair.

Moving on.

2. Chevron print...anything. I'm sorry, I really don't get what's so amazing about this print! I try, I do. And I admit, some stuff that features it is cute. I'm not saying it's hideous, I just don't understand why it's all of a sudden everybody's everything, and Pinterest is literally drowning in DIY instructions on how to basically Chevron print your whole house!

I feel like it's the new animal print from the late 90's. It's cute in moderation, but we're all going to take it so far that in 10 years we'll never be able to stand the sight of the stuff every again.

3. Running. Seriously, when the hell did everyone become a fucking runner? The other day a facebook friend was talking about how she really enjoyed her 3 mile run at 5 in the morning. I'm sorry, nobody enjoys getting out of bed at 5 in the morning for anything other than sex or donuts. If you ever see me running, please call the police because I am being chased by someone with a huge knife. 

4. Instagram. Don't get me wrong, I love Instagram. I think it's super cool. BUT, all I see now are people Instagramming pictures of what they had for breakfast, or what they're doing at that exact second, or the drink from the gas station that they really liked. Isn't that the same shit that all my non blogging friends gave me shit for doing FOR YEARS when I was all "hold on I wanna take a picture of this for my blog", and now they're all doing it just because Instagram is cool?!

Pfft. Posers. 

5. Tumblr. Maybe I can't get on board with it because I don't understand it. Someone, please tell me, what the fuck is it?!

I want to stop here and let you all know that I mean no judgment on anyone who does or enjoys or agrees with any of the above mentioned things. They're all things that have all existed in my world previously and bothered me none. This is more me saying "What the fuck when did these things get so huge, and why?!" than me saying that they're stupid or wrong.

Just imagine you woke up tomorrow and all of a sudden everyone was wearing clothes made out of toilet paper, and no one acted like the sudden phenomenon was weird or out of the ordinary. Sure you like toilet paper, but you'd still be all "What in the fuck?"

That's how I feel about poorly written literotica.