Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Chasing Amy

Watching Chasing Amy always brings back so many memories. I absolutely love this movie.

"Maybe you knew early on that your track was from A to B, but unlike you I wasn't given a fucking map at birth! So I tried it all! That is until we, that's You and I got together, and suddenly I was sated! Can't you take some fucking comfort in that?"

"You turned out to be all I was looking for. The missing piece in the big fucking puzzle"

Such a heartbreaking, lovely and tragic story about love, life and the hang ups that keep us from enjoying both.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Songs of My life

Pick 20 Songs that evoke some emotion or memory for you. List them and describe what they mean to you...

1. Rivers of Babylon by Sublime: Reminds me of being 19 singing this in my car, driving around aimlessly on nights when I couldnt sleep, and Reminds me currently of Batman driving me home. How comfortable the silence between us was as this song played.

2. Tangled up in blue by Bob Dylan: The first Dylan song I remember clearly. I danced to it in the living room with my dad when I was 5. Its one of the happiest memories I have of both my parents.

3. Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind: Reminds me of getting over an ex when I was 19

4. If You could Only See by Tonic: Reminds me of my dad dating crazy Tonya when I was 11. They loved this song and listened to it all the damn time.

5. I'll follow you into the dark by Deathcab for cutie: Reminds me of first love

6. Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry: Reminds me of being young and crazy with Lucia Williams

7. Silent All these Years by Tori Amos: Reminds me of growing up. LOVED this song from the time I was in middle school and still love it.

8. Free Fallin by Tom Petty: Reminds me of being little and dancing in my bedroom. I had the biggest crush on Tom Petty. Music like his reminds me alot of my Dad too. I had a Tom Petty T-Shirt that I wore to bed when my dad was out of town because I missed him.

9. Anything by Sublime, Everclear or Offspring reminds me of my brother. He used to let me come into his room and listen to music with him when my parents were fighting so I wouldnt be scared. "Dont look at the ceiling!" of course I always did. There were naked pictures of girls on it lol.

10. Hard to decide which song, but Plans the whole album by Deathcab for Cutie reminds me of Dating justin, and then of last summer with Batman. Mixed feelings, bittersweet memories. Mistakes we cant take back, and things I hope I never forget.

11. Sugar We're Goin Down by Fallout Boy reminds me of when I was 17/18 hanging out with Shayne McPheirson and driving around singing and killing time

12. Over My head by the Fray reminds me of Lucia and Justin. Nough said about that. :)

13. Melt My Heart to Stone by Adele reminds me of hanging out with Dave, singing to him and our crazy insane friendship.

14. Wrong by Depeche Mode reminds me of my cousin Lindsay. It was the first song my son danced to at her house when he was 10 months old.

15. Mockingbird by Eminem reminds me of my life and my children

16. River by Joni Mitchell reminds me love lost and all the times I wanted to escape.

17. The Taste of Ink by the Used reminds me of coming into my own in High school

18. Relief by Chris Garneau reminds me of my McMegglez.

19. Most of Panic! At the Disco reminds me of Lucia, and also of Josh Franks. Our dearly departed friend. Miss you buddy. Thunderclap!

20. Foolish Games by Jewel reminds me of my childhood. I used to play this song when I was falling asleep at night, and sing it to myself to fight off the dark and all the feelings of fear and loneliness swimming around my room.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Random Life Lesson #96

Things dont always work out the way they do in movies. Sometimes your lost love is lost because you're the only one still in love. And You can't always go home again.

You would think I would know this for sure by now. But sometimes I need to be reminded. And the remembering always hurts so much.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dear Past

Why can I not escape you?

Why do you find me, no matter where I go?

How are you so apt at sneaking up behind me on crowded busses and trains, or sliding into the seat next to me in restaurants and bars, and pressing your cold bony hands against my shoulders, holding me in place and beckoning "Remember......"

I don't want to remember this. And though the memories fade a little every day, their color a little less bright, their taste a little less fresh in my mouth, the feeling of them is there. So familiar and real. The way the blind cannot see the hands of their mother, but knows their touch from the touch of a hundred others. I know these memories, even if I can barely see them anymore. And they come to with their hands and lips and hair and smell more than their face. His eyes they gaze at me, through pictures. I hate you for it. I want to ask you so many things, But I want to tell you only one. It's been too long, this should be over now.

And the past should be moving on.
Visiting someone else
Haunting another's dreams.
But it will not leave, and I can feel you in my sleep.

Dancing in the Dark

I have spent most of my life this way. Shuffling my feet in pitch black to some beat that my memory cannot find. I cant remember the steps until its too late, I cant remember when the slow part comes, or when to slide to the right. I am spinning and swinging alone in midnights empty nest, and I cant find the moon. Maybe one day, the sun will come up, or someone with reach out through the inky stain of this eternal night, and ask if with them I will dance. Dance together in the dark, finding our way through songs and sonnnets we dont know. But holding each other, so it doesnt matter anyway.


I havent been falling asleep very easily lately... Tossing, turning, shifting and getting frustrated lasts longer and longer each night when I go to bed. I need two arms. Heavy and still. That can wrap around, weigh me down, and make the frantic bird inside my chest be still until morning at least.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Walk away

The future hangs over our heads

And it moves with each current event

Til it falls all around like a cold steady rain

Just stay in when its looking this way

And the moons laying low in the sky

Forcing everything metal to shine

And the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelery store case

They argue 'walk this way' 'no walk this way'

The Definition of Us

Us: a situation more than a relationship between two people, defined by it's existence only due to one or more party's unwillingness or inability to define said situation any clearer than that, or due to conditions not permitting the advancement of said situation from "situation" to relationship. Us is what it is.

Being a girl

Really sucks ass sometimes.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Radio Waltz

Welcome to the new land of my words. This is where I plan to come word vomit all the useless information about the daily goings on of my life. As I see it, feel it, think it and mercilessly regurgitate it. You can check out any time you like. But you can never leave.

As of late, Lainie has started the first grade, about a month and a half ago. Doing awesome, as always. Perfect student, nothing like her mother.

Jackson has been doing well at daycare. The adventures in potty training continue! No luck yet, but they are trying hard at his school too, so maybe the group effort will eventually pay off. Who knows.

As for me, I am still doin the single mom thing. Trying to get stay busy with the doula stuff and the childbirth classes. Summer was really slow for me, which always freaks me out. I need to practice my Zen or something, right? My car broke down a couple days ago, so I've been dealing with that. If anyone in the world is more used to Armageddon falling down on them at the worst moment, I don't want to meet them or know what their life must be like. I can barely handle my own sometimes. But I have some friends that love me, and a little bit of family too. I always turn it around. Always. One way or another.

You can't start a fire without a spark.

Even if we're just dancin' in the dark.