Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Did you miss me?

This blog post goes out to everyone who was like "omg it's been soooooo long since you blogged" (which wasn't actually anyone, because I don't associate with people who talk like that, so really it goes out to the people who asked if I was "done" being a writer). Nothing motivates me like knowing I am not the only one who reads what I write. 

Coincidentally nothing makes me afraid to write honestly like knowing that people i know in real life actually read what I write. 

The longer I went without blogging the harder it got to blog again, because there seemed to be too many things to catch everyone up on, and I was for real just lazy and uninspired and all of that self-important stuff that we millennials have been raised to think matters about us. 

So anyway, here's all the things I should've blogged about lately but didn't. Enjoy. 

1. My facebook news feed is ALL BABIES ALL THE TIME. 
When I started having babies, I knew like two other girls my age that had kids, until my sister finally got on top of things (get it?) and got pregnant with my nephew Ryder, so I there wasn't 18,0000 babies in al my newsfeeds until recently when I finally reached the age where my peers start aggressively procreating. Now I can't escape the babies. Babies in Halloween costumes, babies inside pumpkins, babies sleeping, babies inside uteeruses, babies holding other smaller babies, ornkickingbitbwith their little baby homies. My kids are not babies anymore, so I feel half sentimental about all the babies, and half like "man sleeping all night long without ever having to wipe someone's butt is something I've really been taking for granted" 

2. I still hate working out 
Sometimes I'm tempted to write about this, but it feels so unoriginal and obvious. One of my top 5 favorite foods is cheeseburgers, so, duh, of course I hate working out. 

But really, just know this won't ever change. 

3. I hate every "inspiring" quote about being in your 20's. 
Inspiring quotes and memes on Pinterest make me worried and tired, but none quite as much as the Taylor Swift-y bullshit about how in your 20's you're supposed to be all independent and free and all focused on yourself. Judging by all the babies in my newsfeed like we talked about earlier, this is clearly not the decade of selfish free wheeling independence. It's not glamorous to only care about yourself, there's nothing to be proud of about having no obligations, and I'm all for building a career, but this is no time to get in the habit of not caring about anything else. This brings me to my next point....

4. I still hate Taylor Swift. 
I know I'm mostly alone in this, but I think she's a mean girl, and a snob, and all her music is vapid and sounds the same. She came out with new music recently, and I just wanted to make sure everyone knew: I still hate her. 

5. Having a fireplace is everything. 
For the first time since I was 19 I live in a place with a real working fire place, and it is the best. It's turning me into such an old lady, but I can't even begin to care. I light a fire, I find a movie for me and the kids, and we sit by the fire in our Jammie's like a Norman Rockwell illustration, and I love it. The smell of firewood and peppermint and hot chocolate is one of my strongest love languages by far. 

6. It's Christmas time and that is also everything. 
Over the years the kids and I have fallen into several Christmas time traditions, and as they get older I've noticed they cling to them more and more, which makes my little heart so full. We decorate, we watch every Christmas movie ever made, we keep the hot chocolate and candy cane companies in business, we drive to the best Christmas light neighborhoods and walk around picking out our favorite houses....I could go on for days. 
This time of year is my jam. 

7. Chat books are my new favorite thing. 
Have you heard of these? Their softcover books of your instagram photos, that come automatically in the mail every time you post 60 photos. (You can choose which ones to leave out before it ships though) they're $6 a book with free shipping, so it's like happy mail full of sentimental cuteness, that comes out of nowhere like a giant rainbow colored unicorn. 

Simple pleasures, you know? 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Random Thoughts While Running for the First Time Since I was 14

What I feel like when I run... What I'm pretty sure I actually look like...

I can do this. Yeah. Not so hard. Kind of fun actually!
{three seconds later}
Fuck this. This hurts. My lungs hurt. Why do people do this?
No, keep going. This is good for you, you're burning so many calories.
{two seconds later}
You know what? I like my body the way it is. I'm not fat, I'm curvy. Guys like curves, right? Like, Marilyn Monroe or something, right? Yeah, Fuck it. I can just be fat forever.
I think my left lung just exploded.
Is that my own ass slapping against my thigh or have my shorts come down?
Nope. It's my ass.
How did I do this in high school?!
Oh, right. I didn't. And I was 50 pounds lighter.
How did I get so fat? 
Oh, right. Cheeseburgers.
Am I peeing?
No, just sweat. I think.
God this hurts.
Little further.
How much further?
Like, that lightpole down there. Yeah, stop there and walk a while.
Or....maybe just stop here. Yeah, here's good. Slow down and walk a while. Or lay down. How uncomfortable could gravel be? Might be nice.....I miss cheeseburgers.
Now I'm almost positive I'm peeing. 
Don't you wet yourself when you die? 
I think I just died. I'm probably already dead.
Ok, I've run a while now and I was going really fast. Time to stop and check my running app:

Annnnnd I ran two miles even slower than I walked two miles last week.