Showing posts with label shit my kids say. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shit my kids say. Show all posts

Monday, June 3, 2013

Shit My Kids Say When They're Supposed to be in Bed


"I have to go potty"
"I'm thirsty"
"I wanted ice in my water"
"I want to find my baseball glove from last summer and sleep with it."
"I need more stuffed animals to sleep with"
"I have to go potty again"
"When was Harry Potter written?"
"How much ice cream can I have tomorrow?"
"I'm hungry again"
"Last time I promise"
"What noise does a Zebra make?"
"Where does the moon go when the sun is out?"
"I'M THIRSTY AGAIN"
"I'm just getting a snack"
"Do we have any more frosted flakes?"
"When can I go swimming again?"
"I'm not tired"
"I promise I'll still get up in the morning, but let me stay up five more minutes"
"Why can't I watch the movie with you?"
"YOURESOMEANIHATEYOU"

Someone told me once that raising kids is similar to being pecked to death by chickens.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Monday Momisms: My Son Is Pregnant

For the last week my 3 year old son {who I feel like most of my posts about the weird shit my kids do are about} has been walking around the house, rubbing his belly and saying 
"I have a baby in my tummy"
He's been really curious about babies and pregnancy lately, asking how he was born and what it was like when he was in my tummy.
His questions are all really precious and cute, but they still catch me a little off guard because Lainie still  has never really asked about that stuff. 
I've heard her talk in bits and pieces about it, and we've covered some of the smaller more PG details, but she never came out and asked how babies are made, where they come from or any of that.
However, it's not like pregnancy and birth are new topics in this house.
During my stint as a doula and student midwife she heard plenty of birth and pregnancy talk, so maybe she just picked up most of what she wanted-and didn't want to know from there.
After all when some old guy in a grocery store said something about me having a baby in my tummy while I was pregnant with Jack, she got all in his face about how it was in my Uterus, NOT my tummy.
I digress.
So, Jack has been pregnant lately, and while it's cute, it's also something I'm super new to.
I have never heard of a little boy who made up an imaginary pregnancy, but I have seen plenty of little girls do it.
Hell, I was like always pregnant when I was little, and I had 5 imaginary kids before my 5th birthday.
{foreshadowing, anyone?}
I'm a little curious to see how Jack's teachers will react when he starts telling them about Cha Cha, his imaginary girl-fetus living inside his round little belly, which he keeps saying will "be borned next Sunday". 
He hasn't specified which Sunday, but two have passed since he started saying that, so I'm getting a little anxious to meet my first imaginary grandchild.

Let's just hope it sleeps through the night from an early age.



Friday, June 10, 2011

10 Things I Hope My Neighbors Didn't Hear Me Say This Week


It's been a pretty long week. Being in Vegas all weekend apparently took a lot out of me, and I spent the first half of this week being completely exhausted and totally out of it. Couple that with being home alone with the kids, and it was a recipe for a schmidt losing disaster.

It wasn't all bad though. I did manage to say plenty of spaztastic shit to my kids, that taken out of context or overheard by my neighbors, could sound.....exactly as fucked up as they are. No one told me that being a parent meant saying things like "Take that hose out of your mouth!" or "Why are you peeing on that?" But apparently it does. Here is the top 10 fucktarded things I really hope my neighbors didn't hear my say over the last week.

10. "How many times do I have to tell you NOT TO LICK THAT?!"

9. "It's NAPTIME, not pee all over everything time!"

8. "If you don't stop fighting over it, I will set it on fire, so help me God!"

7. "Is that chocolate or poop?!"

6. "Did you just fart on my hand?"

5. "Do you want to get locked in the pantry again?!" <--this one sounds exceptionally bad. After The Jedi got stuck in the pantry, I told him not to play in there. He did anyway, and I was honestly asking him if he wanted to lock himself in again. I have never personally locked my children in a pantry. The closet on the other hand......

4. "Are those tampons yours? No? Then stop putting them up your nose!"

3. "Why do you have to get naked to use the bathroom?"

2. "Where in God's name are your pants?"

1. "They are boobs! Not punching bags!"

Happy Friday Everybody!