You Can't Read The Last Chapter First

There is something incredibly satisfying about realizing for yourself that everything is going to be ok. I mean, when something sad happens, it's like all anybody wants to tell you, that everything will be ok. After a while the words start to lose meaning and it almost makes you angry that people could be so blindly optimistic in the face of such terrible defeat. You want to scream in their face "HOW THE FUCK WILL THIS EVER BE OK?"

But at some point, it's like you realize it for yourself. You just know.

All of a sudden you have faith again.

You can say that the future is not yet written, and you have no idea what it holds, but for the first time that doesn't terrify you. It excites you.

You feel all of a sudden like you've been given the opportunity for new adventure.

Like there might actually be this great and mystical something down the road, and you have no idea what it is, but maybe getting to the last chapter won't hurt as bad as you thought.

Maybe it will be fun.

Maybe the hero hasn't died yet, and maybe all is not lost, there just has to be a few plot twists to keep it interesting.

And maybe the ending will be a surprise to everyone, but aren't those always the best stories? 

The ones where you never saw it coming?

Where the villain is the one you least expected and the hero is the underdog, and your prince charming doesn't save you, but you save each other?

Maybe it doesn't all have to be so predictable.

Maybe, even if I don't know what's going to happen or who I will end up with or how it's all going to play out, maybe I'll still be ok.

I guess because at least I know, whatever happens on the next page of my story, it won't be boring.

It won't be ordinary.

And really, isn't that what I've always hoped for out of all this?

A life less ordinary?

Life's most extravagant adventure?

So that's what I'm looking forward to now.

The Friday Diary

Pour yourself a drink, chill, and see what I did these last 7 days. As if you give a shit.

So this week...

Last Friday, I found myself suddenly and for the first time in forever, without my kids on Friday night. Unsure of what to do with myself and all my time, I went to my dad's house. It was First Fridays {a local art walk and free museum night in downtown Phoenix}, and he usually has some of his art hanging. So I head over and found him not looking at or showing art, but watching kids movies and eating chips. The next thing I know, I'm watching Pirates of the Caribbean and drinking hot coacoa with marshmallows on his bed like a six year old, where I ended up passing out and sleeping until 8:30 Saturday morning. My poor dad slept on the floor.

...

When Saturday rolled around, and I didn't have my kids all day I came to the startling realization that without my kids, I literally have nothing to do but clean, eat and sleep. And not in an awesome way. In a depressing "I may never change these yoga pants again" kind of way.

...

I fell off the not-smoking wagon Saturday night, right around the same time that I also decided to over react irrationally and cry at Olive Garden. But I got right back on by Sunday, and it's been another solid 6 days of not smoking. Here we go again.
...
I realized that Christmas is almost exactly two weeks away, and then I had a panic attack and ate 6 pounds of chocolate....Just kidding....{not really}....what? Never mind.
...
Wednesday night, I was lucky enough to get to hang Christmas lights with Bill and his teenage daughter. It was damn cold outside, but really really fun, laughing and making jokes about Bill possibly falling off the ladder, hearing about what high school is like these days {I do not envy teenagers} and getting attacked by a rosebush. The night ended with some wonderful "fresh" hot chocolate, and a sweet kiss goodnight from a wonderful man. Not bad for a Wednesday.
...
I have no idea how, but I just discovered this website You Probably Already Saw This. I am obsessed with it, and on it I discovered this song, which had me completely mesmerized and in love the first time I heard it. Put on some headphones in a quiet room and enjoy.
...
And last but not least, I have my {supposedly hopefully} final step in the interview process for the amazing job I told y'all about that I so desperately want to get, today. I should have an answer on whether or not I got the job by this afternoon, so cross those fingers!

If I do get the job, I promised a couple of my current coworkers that I would quit the job I hate have right now like this:








Linking up with E Tells Tales Check it.

 

To My Surprise

Oh what a weekend.

If nothing in the past has proven that Bill is by far the best boyfriend imaginable, this weekend set out to prove that fact once and for all.

And it did. 

On Friday night, I got a text from Mr. Becker, asking what time I needed to be home Sunday, since we usually spend Saturday night together, and whatever part of Sunday we have, depending on when he has to pick up his kids.

I thought nothing of it, and replied "Around dinner time, or a little after."

He said he was going to plan a little surprise if he could, and instantly I was all a flutter with excitement.

See, Bill is great at surprises.

Big ones, small ones, it doesn't matter, he kicks ass at them.

So without having any idea what this could be, but assuming it was something small and sweet, I was still overcome with joy and anticipation.

He told me to dress warm, wear shoes I could walk outside in, and to bring peanut butter and a shovel, and my iPod.

I assumed the peanut butter and shovel was an attempt to throw me off any guessing trail I might be on, but it was Bill, so deep down I figured he could possibly be serious.

All day on Saturday, while I waited for him to pick me up, my surprise was all I could think about. 

What could be?!

Were we going somewhere?

What did he plan?!

My mind went crazy with all the possibilities, but in my wildest dreams, I never could have dreamed up this:

A last minute and totally surprise weekend get-away to the Enchantment Resort in Sedona.

Holy mother of God.

This hotel is beautiful, and Bill took so much thought and effort to plan out every single detail.

Our room had a fire place, which he specifically requested, we had the most amazing view of the red rock mountains, there were stars like you just simply wouldn't believe, and Bill even brought along a pink flashlight {the hotel grounds are super dark so you can see the night sky} and the nightshirt I wear at his house when I stay over.

What a guy.

It was a short trip, but I don't see how we could possibly have packed more laughter and memories into 24 hours than we did.

From the long and heartfelt talk we had on the drive up, to the endless jokes we made about our slightly creepy and entirely overzealous bellman, to wandering around the grounds looking at a sky so full of stars it literally stopped me in my tracks when I first noticed it, to holding each other in the crisp Fall air making wishes on shooting stars, to kissing on front of an awesome crackling fire, to the amazing view outside our balcony door in the morning as the sun rose over the red rock mountains, to the pure joy of waking up next to my man, hiking through Boynton Canyon, taking 150 pictures and only keeping 6, walking through a beautiful and romantic little shopping center in a light rain, where i met a bear-friend, and then a helicopter tour of the Indian ruins before heading back home, there is not one moment of this trip that wasn't absolutely perfect. 

The hotel

The view from our balcony as we had breakfast

Giggle fits.

*Melty Melty*

On the balcony after breakfast.

Sweaty and out of breath, hiking the Boynton Canyon trail.

Hims a naughty little bear.

Bill is literally going to kill me for posting this picture. It was the only one where you could see the fireplace though!

By this time I was very tired, and just enjoying leaning on my sweet guy.

I don't know how I got so lucky, or what I've done to deserve this man, that clearly loves me so much, but I am without a doubt the luckiest and most loved girl in the whole world.

And I wished, I wished, with all my might, on every star, shooting or not, that we could always be this happy, always be this in love, and always be so willing to find the joy and adventure in everything we did together.

In the name of Patrick McFeely, and the spirit of Santa.

An Ideal Life

One day, Mr. Redford.....one day....

When you were little, did you sit around and daydream with your friends about what your life would be like? 

Who you would marry, what kind of house you would have, what you wanted to do for a living?

Did you picture kids? How many? 

A little dog named Rover or a cat named Fluffy?

Were you a superhero, or a doctor, or a famous musician?

When I was little, I was going to marry Robert Redford and live by the beach in California, or somewhere green, like back east, where it rained a lot, there were seasons and everything was green.

I was either going to have two kids, or 6 kids. A small family or a huge one, there was no in between for me. I would be a writer, an actress, a midwife, a doctor, a scientist, an astronomer, a geologist and a marine biologist. In my mind, one lifetime was more than enough to do it all.

My life didn't turn out exactly like I'd planned. 

Fate rolled this way, and that way, and long story short, I never married Robert Redford. *sigh*

When I think now about what an ideal life would be like, I contradict myself a million times.

I want a simple life, that is completely extraordinary.

I want a normal, happy life, and to live life's most unbelievable adventure.

Are you following?

I want a life that makes sense.

One where I know who I am, and where I belong, and for the first time ever I have a firm grasp on where and what home is.

That's something I never had.

A place that felt like home.

Over the years I've grown to understand that you don't buy a house or rent a condo, because it's home.

You end up somewhere with people who become your family.

They become your home.

Your life becomes your home, because you're doing what you're meant to, you are where you belong.

I want to create a life, with people that I love dearly, people who I'm capable of giving my whole heart to. I want to wake up each day among the people and things and memories of a life we've all created together. A perfectly imperfect existence where it's loud sometimes, and mistakes happen sometimes, and memories are treasured all the time, and there are moments where love swells up so big in my chest that I feel like I'll be crushed beneath the weight of it.

I don't care anymore if we have a dog or what it's name is, or if we have a fluffy cat, or where we live or what we drive or anything of the sort.

In all my wildest dreams now, of an ideal life, the biggest and best fantasy I can come up with, is taking whatever this journey gives me, and laughing about it with the person who understands me the best in the world.

Life's most unbelievable adventure is experiencing every possible bit of magic and wonder, with the people that feel like home to you.

Keeping your eyes open wide enough to see how mysterious a child's imagination is when they're playing in their room where they think no one is watching, or how beautiful morning is when it comes in through the window and lights up your lover's face while they're still sleeping. Keeping your heart and your mind open enough that you can always be moved, touched, surprised, even hurt. 

There is so much to experience in this world, and one lifetime just isn't enough. I want to feel all of it.

In my ideal life, I find adventure in the smallest, simplest and most unexpected places. I find mystery and beauty and passion and joy tucked into corners and pockets and served on the plates I dish out at dinner time.

And at the end of the day, there is someone there to crawl into bed beside, and talk about my day with.

There is someone there who wants to wake up the next day and go exploring. Through our back yard, or another country, or wherever we end up on our journey.

There is someone there who loves me, and understands me, and surprises me each day with how much I am capable of loving them.

Life's most unbelievable adventure is knowing that you can go anywhere, or nowhere, do anything, or nothing, and no matter what you're always home.

You're where you belong. You're doing what you're meant to be doing.

And you're enjoying every single fucking minute of it.

A Sunday Rarity

For those of you who don't know {or didn't read our love story and figured it out...ahem, read the fucking story}, Bill has two kids. 

I also have two kids.

Bill works.

I also do something that sort of resembles working.

We're busy people.

We have our standing Saturday night "date night" if you will, which means every Saturday night we ditch our kids {lovingly} and hang out together at his house. 

We've had this running night together since back when we were "complicated" and we still maintain it to this day. It is the ONE guaranteed night in a week that have together. Guaranteed time together is hard to come by when between the two of us we have two jobs, four kids, one ex-wife and about 109402932080192 responsibilities. 

Normally, Bill has to get up super duper early {read somewhere around 8} on Sunday morning to go take his daughter to church....temple....I don't know religious worship place name things.

That means we rarely, if ever get to spend time together on Sunday. He gets up, showers and dresses while I begrudgingly put on my clothes and curse him for waking me up so early, and after a kiss in his garage, we part ways for the day. 

This weekend......THIS WEEKEND! We got to spend Sunday together.

Dun da da dunnnnnn!

It was awesome.

We got up {EARLY. Damn you, Bill} and I made us breakfast. Our standard Robins in a nest, or as some people of the bipolar persuasion refer to it "eggs in a bread hole", and then we laid around for a while doing nothing. Bill took some work calls and did some shit on his computer with spreadsheets that made me cross eyed, so I laid back down in his bed.

When he came looking for me and found me sleeping, I opened my eyes to find him laying beside me, and experienced one of those awesome "waves of powerful emotion", where I just felt so completely in love.

Finally, around 11:30 I lured him out of bed with treats, and we got in the car.

We drove out to the lake/river area, and wandered through the woods for a while, talking and holding hands. 

We sat next the water and talked about our futures, our kids, what we loved most about our relationship, and Bill even presented me with some half melted, slightly squished Reese's Peanut Butter cups. He knows me too well. 

After that, we headed back to Chandler and ate Greek food while Bill filled me in on his new life as a construction worker. I also realized I need to ask what he does at work more often...

All in all it was a perfect weekend, and a wonderful day. 

Bill and I haven't had the easiest road to where we are now, but I feel so unbelievably lucky to have made it this far with him. To still be able to call him my boyfriend, and to be the one spending lazy Sundays in the woods with him.

I really don't know how I could be any luckier.

He even walked into ALL the spider webs for me, so I wouldn't get bitten and die.

What a guy.

<3

62 Things I Love About You

1. The way you smile. It literally lights up the whole room.

2. The sound of your laugh. It's genuine and happy and you make the cutest face when you laugh.

3. The way you smell. Delicious.

4. Your chivalry. You save the good parking spot for me, you open doors, you come help me when I have flat tires and you always walk me to my car.

5. The way you throw your leg over my hip when we lay in bed together.

6. You always watch the shows I like with me.

7. The little back east accent you get when you're hungry.

8. You save all the mixed the CD's I make for you.

9. You text me good morning, and goodnight, every day.

10. You tell me that I'm beautiful.

11. You write me letters and give me cards, and BEARS, for no reason.

12. The way you kiss me. The way it makes me feel weak, and I can't decide if I want to keep kissing you, or collapse against you and tell you over and over how much I love you.

13. The way you cuddle with me in movie theaters. 

14. The way you talk to me at 1 in the morning if I'm too drunk and can't find my friend.

15. The way you take my hand and lead me through big crowds like you're protecting me.

16. The way you look with a shampoo mohawk :)

17. The way you always have a glass of water waiting for me when I come over at night.

18. The way you touch my face.

19. The way you look at me.

20. The way you say I love you.

21. The way you're always warm but never sweaty when I hug you.

22. Your sweet calves.

23. The way my hand feels tiny in yours.

24. The way you hold my hand when you drive.

25. You always help me cook when I cook for you. 

26. You're a good dad, and you genuinely love being a father.

27. The way you're so cute with little kids.

28. The way you look when you first wake up in the morning.

29. How you love me with everything you have, and you don't hold back.

30. How hard you try to make me feel happy and special and loved.

31. You're intelligent, which is a rare quality. 

32. Your dedication to us.

33. You read my blog, and you say you like my writing.

34. When I'm upset, you care.

35. You're kind. A lot of people are nice. Not many people are truly kind. You are.

36. You're selfless.

37. You're brave.

38. You're fucking HILARIOUS. I laugh so hard when I'm with you.

39. Being with you is peaceful.

40. You're strong. 

41. Your dedication to us. You are overcoming and accepting and forgiving mistakes that could've killed us, because you love me. I've never been loved that much. And I never will be again by anyone else.

42. You're unbelievably sexy.

43. You make being 41 look fucking amazing. You're way too hot for your age.

44. You're not cocky, or boastful or overly macho. You're a man. You act like a man.

45. You get me.

46. You entertain all my ridiculous ideas, like going swimming in the beginning of October, even though you know it's too cold. 

47. You go find stars with me.

48. I could talk to you all night, and never get tired of what you have to say.

49. I can sit with you quietly, and never feel uncomfortable in the silence.

50. You kiss me, hug me and hold my hand in public.

51. You always text back.

52. The way you rub my back.

53. Panther nights!

54. Not lunch!

55. Skip days!

56. You genuinely try. You make an effort. You care.

57. You make the best of shitty situations.

58. I can do anything with you, and we'll find something to laugh or smile or joke about.

59. The way you hold me.

60. You'll go out of your way for the people you love.

61. You love with all your heart. As hard and as big as you possibly can.

62. You're simply beautiful. Inside and out. You amaze me, every single day that I know you with your strength, your compassion your honesty and your warmth. You make me want to try harder, to love more, to be more open, honest and giving. You make me want to be better. 

You are the love of my life. 

And there are a million things I love about you.

This list just contains a few.

Absolution

As painful as it was

As much as it ripped our hearts out

As much it was vulnerable

Ugly

Embarrassing

Shameful 

And hard

I've never felt closer to you

I've never been more willing to begin again

To try harder

To be committed 

To work through it

To be only yours.

I've never felt more in love

I've never felt more accepted and understood

I've never felt more able to tell you anything

And open up to you even at my darkest.

I've never valued you more

I've never treasured us more deeply.

I love you more than my mouth can say

I love you more than my arms can hold

I love you more than my mind can bear

I love you more than there are hours in the day.

I love you like there's no tomorrow, 

And I would walk through fire to show you how sorry I am.

We've been through darkness

We've been through Hell

We've bled and we've cried and we've screamed and we've broke each other's hearts

But we're here and we're trying and I'm not giving up.

This is a new day

This is a new promise

This is a new beginning

And I've never loved you more.

62 Things I Want to do With You

1. Build a fort and watch movies in it.
2. Stay in bed for an entire day.
3. Wear fake mustaches to a party and give no explanation as to why.
4. Take a road trip out of state.
5. Go camping.
6. Jump off a cliff into a lake/river/the ocean/some large body of water, holding hands.
7. Go photoboothing.
8. Get up really early to drink coffee and go yard saleing 
9. Spend a week at sea.
10. Leave the country.
11. Go dancing at a country western bar.
12. Take a hot air balloon ride.
13. Ride a motorcycle out to the middle of nowhere and have a picnic.
14. Have a black and white movie marathon.
15. Write handwritten letters to our grandchildren.
16. Build something.
17. Make a cheesy scrapbook of our life together.
18. Learn a language together....or try to at least.
19. Write each other notes on the bathroom mirror in magic marker.
20. Go people watching and make up a life story for the people we see.
21. Crash a wedding.
22. Make boozy hot chocolate and walk around to look at Christmas lights.
23. Carve a pumpkin.
24. Get dressed up and slow dance in the living room.
25. Drive separately to the same place, pretend we don't know each other and try to pick each other up.
26. See a play.
27. Do a scavenger hunt.
28. Take a last minute weekend trip somewhere.
29. Watch each other's favorite movies, and read each other's favorite books.
30. Ditch work for a day to go bowling.
31. Wrestle.
32. Make each other handmade birthday cards.
33. Play elaborate practical jokes on each other.
34. Read to each other before bed.
35. Throw a dinner party.
36. Take way too many pictures.
37. Babysit someone else's baby for a day.
38. Go to Mardis Gras in New Orleans. 
39. Tour a vineyard.
40. Buy tickets to a bad movie, and kiss through the entire thing.
41. Bury a time capsule. 
42. Get our palms read.
43. Make a huge Thanksgiving dinner for both our families.
44. Spend Christmas or New Years in a place that snows.
45. Teach me how to do something you're good at.
46. Research our family histories.
47. Make awkward family Christmas cards and send them to everyone we know.
48. Draw each other's portraits. 
49. Invent our own way of communicating with each other using hand and eye signals.
50. See a baseball game during the day. Eat nachos, drink beer, and cheer for the away team.
51. Do a karaoke duet in a bar.
52. Spend a weekend in a cabin with no electricity or cell phone signal.
53. Ride jet skis 
54. Go para-sailing.
55. Go scuba diving.
56. Test drive a car we could never afford.
57. Take a bicycle tour in a place we've never been.
58. Make fudge. 
59. Have a pillow fight.
60. Run errands together in our pajamas.
61. Carve our names into a tree.
62.  Love each other. For the rest of our lives. 

Hello September

Hello September, oh how I've missed you...

Today is September 7th, which means I have just completed my official first week of September. 

I love September. 

I know that it's not technically the first day of Fall until the 23rd, but I am always happy as hell when this month starts. 

Why?

Because Summer tries to kill me.

Laugh all you will, but it does. 

I live in Arizona, but I still want to say that I like Summer. 

Yeah, I know, crazy, right?

But I do. 

I love the beginning of Summer, when you can feel Spring giving way to another season, and everything is bright and fresh, and you know you have 3 months of bathing suits, barbecues, sun screen and vacations ahead of you.

But in Arizona, you also have searing heat.

And if you're me, this is also when everything in your life always falls spectacularly to shit.

Call it fate, call it the turning of the tides, call it my own self fulfilling prophecy, whatever , all I know is that Summertime is always when anything that could go wrong in my life will go wrong. 

If I have a boyfriend, we'll break up, if I have a job I'll lose it, if I have a car it will break down and cost too much to fix, someone will die, etc., etc.. etc. 

And I don't mean just one of these things will happen, I mean ALL of these things that could possibly happen, will happen. 

It's not awesome.

But Fall.

Oh, Fall, my sweet lover.

Fall never hurts me. Fall is always the beginning of things turning around and getting better.

Everything starts to calm down, level out, and put themselves back together.

And not to mention ever since I was a little kid, I have always loved all the Fall decorations in stores and on houses, and the amazing Fall foods like Pumpkin....anything, and cinnamon on everything.

Fall seems homey to me.

Cozy and sweet, like a real family.

Thick sweaters and changing leaves, pumpkins and scarecrows and Thanksgiving. 

I just love all of it.

And of course, Fall gives way to Winter, which is even better.

So this year, as Fall quickly approaches, I will share with you all the things I am looking forward to about this season this year:

Pumpkin coffee from Starbucks

Making the kids pumpkin french toast for breakfast

Halloween

Sedona

Cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my little modge podge family

My love

Lainie's birthday

Sweaters

Walks in the crisp Fall night air

Holding hands

Cuddling in the cold

The start of my New Year.

All You Need to Know Is...

There is only one thing worth living for, worth fighting for, worth dying for, and it is love.

Listen to your heart

There is no heartache that the sea can't cure.

Soup is good food.

At least once a year, call in sick from work, stay in bed, and watch The Breakfast Club.

Don't be afraid to lose your head. The mistakes you make have a place in your story too, and it's our mistakes that lead us to our destiny more often than our victories.

No matter how badly you might wish you could, you cannot: make a person love you, force someone to care, or make children go to sleep when you want them to.

When you're 18, you will not be the same person when you're 23.

Don't put anything in writing when you're upset.

There's not a boy in the world who doesn't want his mama.

Women want security like men want approval. Emotionally or financially, we all want some kind of security.

It will stop hurting. Maybe not for a while, but eventually, it will.

Everything will turn out ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's obviously not the end.

Believe in something. It's beautiful.

You don't really know someone until you take a roadtrip with them.

Don't throw away pictures.

Never miss a valid opportunity to tell someone to fuck off when they really deserve it.

Just because they're related to you, doesn't make them family.

If it's meant to be, it really will work out.

If you'd shut up and listen, you'd know what to do.

Sometimes, it is that simple.

You get what's coming to you.

Ice cream is always better with Oreos crushed up into it.

Even if it's hard, even if it's scary, even if it might be the last thing you ever get to tell a person, no matter what, say what you need to say.

Kids are not good for relationships, so having one to save one will never work.

Spaghetti sauce is always better with hot Italian sausage, and a hard boiled egg. Trust me.

Another bad love poem

We could go to Italy,

And kiss as the gondolier steers us through the watery streets of Venice.

We could find our way, have drunk on Sambuca

Through the winding stone streets where merchants push their carts home and women carry groceries.

Or we could go to Greece,

Where the cliffs all tower over the sea and the sun makes the white rock glow

Until even our pale bodies look tan against it.

We could dance in the bars and sing in languages we don't actually speak

Laughing as my gypsy skirts twirl and rustle and our hips move against each other's.

You could build us a cabin in Big Sur

We could live our lives by candlelight and sleep in pine beds covered in my homemade quilts.

I'd use pieces of fabric from your old shirts and the table cloths from all the places we've been together.

At night I would put lotion on your scars

And pet you before bedtime

You'd tell me stories as the moonlight spilled through our open window

And I would watch your eyes close slowly,

Heavy with all the things that filled your day.

All the chapters to come

Sometimes I think about all the things I want to do in this lifetime. All the books I want to read, all the books that exist that I might like to read, that I never will because I just don't know about them all, all the places I want to go, all the poetry I want to hear, all the places I want to live and things I want to do and be and experience, and feel sad because I know most of it will never happen.

Opportunity, cost, the fact that I have children, responsibility, all of that aside, most of it will never happen, just because of the sheer magnitude of all there is to see and experience in this world.

One lifetime just isn't going to be enough.

I want to read hundreds of books, and poems and plays. I want to hear the words of Dylan Thomas slip off the lips of a lover, beneath a star filled sky somewhere in the wild, where humans rarely go.

I want to live in a third world country-several third world countries actually. I want to wake up in some impoverished, war torn somewhere, and know what it's like to be truly thankful for each day you have.

I want to learn midwifery in rural Mexico, in India, in Indonesia. I want to see how women really give birth in Africa.

I want to live in California, in Hawaii, in Italy, Greece, Ireland, Spain and Turkey. I want to live on the beach, in a cabin, in a tree house and on a boat. I want to learn to fly a plane and how to knit a blanket. I want to speak other languages, and grow my own food. I want to start a commune, a birth center, and learn all the secrets of my own femininity.

I want to study religion, read with monks, pray with spiritual leaders, meditate, and question the existence of Heaven, Hell and the absurdity of my own mortality.

I want to raise my kids in hundreds of places, show them hundreds of thousands of things. I want to teach them to be humble, accepting, worldly and strong. I want to teach them compassion, kindness, and how much the human heart can endure. I want to teach them to explore, and to wander. To always look up at a night sky and feel awestruck. To always question, always study, always thirst for more answers, but also respect the divine mystery that pulses through this Universe, and understand that love is something that there are no logical answers to.

I want to do so much. And knowing that just because of how much there is to do, and how little time there seems to be for me to do it in, and all the other things that need to be done as well, just makes me sad.

But it also keeps alive in me the spirit of adventure, and the hope that just around the next corner, any sort of magic could be waiting.

It is a very dangerous business: walking out one's front door.