Friday, June 10, 2011

10 Things I Hope My Neighbors Didn't Hear Me Say This Week

It's been a pretty long week. Being in Vegas all weekend apparently took a lot out of me, and I spent the first half of this week being completely exhausted and totally out of it. Couple that with being home alone with the kids, and it was a recipe for a schmidt losing disaster.

It wasn't all bad though. I did manage to say plenty of spaztastic shit to my kids, that taken out of context or overheard by my neighbors, could sound.....exactly as fucked up as they are. No one told me that being a parent meant saying things like "Take that hose out of your mouth!" or "Why are you peeing on that?" But apparently it does. Here is the top 10 fucktarded things I really hope my neighbors didn't hear my say over the last week.

10. "How many times do I have to tell you NOT TO LICK THAT?!"

9. "It's NAPTIME, not pee all over everything time!"

8. "If you don't stop fighting over it, I will set it on fire, so help me God!"

7. "Is that chocolate or poop?!"

6. "Did you just fart on my hand?"

5. "Do you want to get locked in the pantry again?!" <--this one sounds exceptionally bad. After The Jedi got stuck in the pantry, I told him not to play in there. He did anyway, and I was honestly asking him if he wanted to lock himself in again. I have never personally locked my children in a pantry. The closet on the other hand......

4. "Are those tampons yours? No? Then stop putting them up your nose!"

3. "Why do you have to get naked to use the bathroom?"

2. "Where in God's name are your pants?"

1. "They are boobs! Not punching bags!"

Happy Friday Everybody!

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