Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I'm Back


So I'm back. 
Right now I'm laying in bed after over 12 hours on airplanes and more than a week in Europe, and I'm exhausted. 
But I wanted to write a few things down before I loose them in the cloud of my tiredness.
I thought hard about not writing about the trip at all, because it's not going to be the happiest post ever and who wants to read about that?
But then I remembered that this blog started out as my little honesty corner, where I could come say whatever I wanted, and in a sense put it out there for the Universe and then let it go.
I didn't start writing this for the satisfaction of anyone else, so I'm going to try to stay true to that initial principal now, and write exactly what I'm feeling.
I feel awful.
The trip, in short, was a disaster and I am at least 99 percent to blame for it.
I quite literally and with very little exaggeration, ruined everything.
I wish that I could explain in neat and tidy sentences what the hell was wrong with me, but I just can't. 
There was just something unmistakably wrong and sad in me, and I couldn't let it go or get past it for more then a few hours or at best a couple days, so I spent the rest of the time pestering and badgering poor Bill until he would inevitably lose his temper and say mean things, which hurt my feelings and therefor perpetuated the cycle of sad frustration.
It wasn't pretty. 
And now I'm left with this terrible emptiness, this overwhelming sadness and I am strongly fighting the urge to find a rock somewhere for me to die under. 
I am so unbelievably ashamed of the way I acted, and I am so desperately sad about the wonderful opportunity that I completely squandered and will never get back.
I also have this overwhelming fear that this will be the moment I will be able to look back at, point to and say "That's where I pushed Bill away completely, and never really got him back"
I'm not the easiest person to love. I know this. I've written about this before. 
But I think this trip and the terrible way I acted and the harsh side that my behavior brought out in Bill ended up illuminating so many other challenges that I bring to the table that I somehow never noticed, or never fully understood the effects of.
Until now.
I have made such countless mistakes in my life, and in my personal relationships especially, that sometimes I feel like I should just have those big orange caution cones all around me, all the time.
I feel like I've become that shitty girlfriend that all her boyfriends friends hate and wish he'd break up with.
I never wanted to be that person.

For whoever actually reads this, I'm sorry this post is pretty heavy and dark, and a little self pitying. 
Like I said before it's more of a way for me get it all out, and then hope it goes away.
So feel free to pretend this post never happened, and tune in later for more mindless nonsense that doesn't make you want to kill yourself. 

Until then, goodnight. 


  1. I'm glad to see you back, and I'm sorry that the trip did not turn out as planned. I wish I would offer more words to make things better. I will say that that you could perhaps take some positives out of this, for if it helps you identify things that you want to work on then that's never a bad thing! That's what I always try to do in those circumstances.

    1. Thank you. That's definitely a good perspective, I appreciate that.

  2. I'm browsing around Blogger and found your site.

    How do we ever improve until we learn from the mistakes that we make in our lives? The comment above is right -- identify first what we feel need to improve about ourselves, and take it from there. We are all a work in progress. :-)

    1. Very very well put. At the very least I learned a shit ton on that trip, so that's something. We have to fall to learn how to get back up, right?