Saturday, October 22, 2011

Our Love Story: Part Six

There are five other parts to this story. Hence this being called part six. Go read them.

After seeing Bill on my birthday, and getting that birthday cake from him that he HANDWROTE Happy Birthday Sarah on in icing, I was so lost. I wanted to move on. He still hadn't told me he loved me. I needed to move on. I had told him no more chances. It was time to move on!
And there was Neil, who I genuinely liked a lot, and really felt like I might be falling in love with. I know now that I was falling in love with the way he was treating me, not who he was. What I did to him was wrong, and I hope he knows, wherever he is, that for that I am truly, truly sorry.
The weekend after my birthday, Meghan and I went to San Diego to see Neil. His sub was coming into port there for four days, and he wanted to see me. So, armed with beef jerky and a shitload of mixed CD's, Meghan and I drove 5 hours to see the guy who had been romancing me via the internet for 17 days. 
When we arrived at the naval base, and I saw Neil in person for the first time in 10 years, for a split second I wanted to throw the car in reverse and drive away. Not because of him, but because I felt like a teenager who had snuck out of her house. I needed to go home before something bad happened. I needed to go tell Bill where I was and what I'd done and I needed him to hold me. I didn't. I got out of the car and hugged Neil. I hoped he couldn't hear me screaming inside my head.
When we got to our hotel that night, he asked me to marry him.
I said yes.
The time we spent together was fun. I had an amazing time. We laughed, we joked and played, we napped. We went to the San Diego zoo, we saw the Nekromantix live, we watched Pee Wee Hurman. But on Saturday evening, as we were eating frozen yogurt and talking about what we were planning to do about our budding relationship, I got a text from Bill that stopped me midsentence. It was simple. In fact it said only this:

"I hope you're having fun in San Diego! We should catch up soon when you get back."

Oh Holy Mother of God. I had not told Bill I was going to San Diego. Neil had posted a picture of the two of us at the zoo on facebook. Bill had seen it. Bill wanted to catch up. Which meant he wanted to talk. Which meant he was hurt. I hurt him.

The rest of that night passed in a booze filled blur. I woke up the next morning and quickly explained to Neil that I needed to go to Starbucks now and I needed to go with Meghan, and he was not invited. I dressed, rushed downstairs and banged on Meghan's hotel room door. 
"Starbucks. Now." I told her, and ran to the car. 
After we got our coffee, we sat outside the Starbucks and I spilled my heart and soul on the table about Bill. I missed him. But I was so mad at him! He let me go, how dare he text me while I was in San Diego, trying to move on, LIKE HE WANTED ME TO, and tell me so clearly {in code} that he was hurting and upset?! 
And how dare I be sitting here thinking that Neil was awesome, but if Bill showed up right then, and said 'Come on, get in the car and let me take you home', I would have gotten in. So. Fast. 
I hated myself for what I was thinking, I hated Bill for what he was doing {what was he even doing? Ugh. I was so irrational} and I hated the world for not giving me a sign, for not telling me what to do.
And then it did.

Holy shit. Our story is a long and complicated one to tell. Stay with me folks! Stay tuned {please} for Part Seven tomorrow, which {I hope!} will be the final chapter.

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