Monday, July 2, 2012

Monday Momisms: Having More and Having None


I'm not sure why this particular topic sprang to mind today.
The idea of some women not wanting more kids.
The question that seems to linger for so many people about whether or not some women can truly not want any kids, and not because they're just scared of commitment or of being shitty parents, but just because kids aren't there thing and they don't want any.
I know a lot of people who seem to be convinced that all women want a bun in their oven. That we all, deep down have this unspoken desire-nay, need, to be mothers, and the only reason a woman might choose not to become one is because, like I mentioned before, she's either selfish, or afraid of something.
I disagree with this.
I've always disagreed with it, but only recently have I become personally offended on behalf of all those no-baby-wantin ladies out there. 
Not because I don't want kids {clearly I wanted children} but because I don't want any more children. See, even after producing two beautiful, 100 percent healthy, mostly well behaved children, every time I get asked if I'm going to have more, I cringe. 
Because I know what's coming.
If the women over the age of 25 is asking that question at all, it seems to most likely be because she's hoping the answer will be yes, and then we can swoon over nursery plans and fond memories of vaginal tearing. When I say "Nope, I think I'm done" I'm always met with one of two responses:

1. "Oh are you suuurrrreee? Your babies are so beautiful!!!!" While I appreciate the compliment, the sad hopefulness in their eyes makes me feel like I owe them something. Like my ability to produce attractive off spring makes me somehow indebted to the general population, and I am now single handedly {single uterusedly?} responsible for providing planet Earth with the next Ryan Goseling. 
This is too much pressure.

2. "Oh you'll have more. You're young, just wait. Your clock hasn't started ticking yet. You'll want more" This reaction is usually handed out by older women, who I suspect are beginning to suffer the wrath of empty nesting, and are now publicly and proudly projecting on me, their repressed wish to be able to have just one more baby. To do it one more time.
They think that because I'm young I must not know what a precious gift my endlessly fruitful uterus is, and once old age begins to set in I will panic and feel the need to procreate as much as possible before "my time" is up.
I always want to say to them "trust me, I know what a gift it was for me to be able to have not just one healthy child, but two. I know how many women can't, and believe me, that sounds terrible to want a baby and not be able to have one. But it sounds just as terrible for me to find out I'm having a baby when I know I don't want one. I promise you, this has nothing to do with my age. I know I don't want more kids because I've done it. Twice. And I have no desire or biological need to do it a third time. I'm satisfied."
But I'm always scared if I start down that road I'll snap completely and ask them if they remember what pooping for the first time after they gave birth was like, and then see if they still think I'll want more some day.

I'm pretty sure I'm nonsensically {and graphically} rambling now, so I'll get to the point: I definitely think it's possible for a woman to just not want kids. And I don't think that's selfish. I think it's bad ass for a person to know so clearly and with so much certainty what they want, and follow through with it. It's much worse to know deep down you don't want a baby, but to have one anyway because it's the socially normal thing to do.
I definitely think it's possible to be done having kids after just one, or to not be done after 9 babies.
I think it all depends on how you see your life mapping out.
Does my uterus ache a little when I smell a newborn baby's head? Absolutely. 
Do I realize that I could potentially, someday in the very distant future be a step mother to somebody else's kids, effectively having more kids for lack of a better term? Yes.
But and that's all ok with me.
I still know at the end of the day, that I am done getting pregnant, growing a tiny human, and screaming it the entire way out of my body in front of a room full of overly curious people.
And there's nothing wrong with that, damn it.

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