Friday, April 22, 2011

Chocolate Walmart Bunnies

Well, this week just keeps getting more and more interesting, now doesn't it? I know that last night I told all of you that I had attended 3 births in 60 hours, and I went on and on all whiny and stuff about how tired I was and how hard my ass had been kicked, but I spoke too soon. Yes. Oh YES. I got called out again last night to ANOTHER BIRTH! It is raining fucking babies this week, and I for one am seriously wondering what the hell is going on. Luckily the birth was fast. I mean, hella fast. As in, the baby was born in the car on the way to the hospital, before I or anyone else could get to them. They transferred into the hospital where I met them, helped mom breastfeed and left. Home and back in back before 5 a.m. Not so bad, but still, WTF?!
Anyway, so my crazy week continued today without fail, as I dealt with stupid family stuff, had the kids with me all morning thanks to no school the Friday before Easter (@!#$@$%) finished a placenta, dropped the kids off at daycare, and went to my midwife's office for an afternoon of meetings and taking care of her baby. Thank God the kids are visiting family and friends tonight, because I was getting all kinds of stabbitty and crazy by dinner time.
Alas, tonight I have the house to myself, which is completely wrecked, of course. I wasn't here for like 5 fucking days, what did I expect? One adult and two children left unattended by any womanly presence for that amount of time adds up to one trailer park after a hurricane type mess. In the process of trying to decide what to do with my sudden alone time, which I like so never have any of, I made a nifty little To Do list. See how crafty and organized I am? Due to lack of sleep, way too much caffeine, and going several days without any type of real food in my system, my To Do list was a bit whacktacular. It looked like this:
  • Clean shit hole house
  • Finish the dishes that have been in the sink since Saturday night
  • Put deodorant on
  • Make goats
  • Find Santa
  • Watch Harry Potter
  • Read Twilight
  • Burn laundry
  • Buy shit for Easter
  • Cry
I got overwhelmed and a little bored while making my list, so I decided to abandon it and just go get Easter shit. This should be fun, I thought to myself. Going on a little shopping trip by myself, no kids, getting fun holiday stuff ( I LOVE pointless, meaningless holiday traditions). As I headed out the door for the 900th time this week in my gross black yoga pants and old as dirt The Who t-shirt, I wondered if I should make a list of stuff to buy. Nope, I thought. I totally got this. Ya. Not. I wandered the isles of the Super Walmart (oh how I hate the super walmart) bored, sleepy and completely confused. They moved stuff around since the last time I was there, which may have been over a year ago, and I couldn't find a fucking thing. It's like a new game they play with customers called "Find Shit!" which is almost as fun as "Find an Employee Who Gives a Shit!" You really can't win either game, but they like watching us play. What this all amounted to was me coming home with enough candy to successfully give my poor kids diabetes before either of them hit puberty, and enough eggs and egg dye to keep the entire family busy for the entire Easter Sunday, while I quietly pound wine in the kitchen, and yell "There's still seven eggs out there somewhere! Find 'em!" over and over at my exhausted kids. Should be a fun day. This week has been totally fucking bananas and the fact that it all ends with a stupid holiday really pisses me off. Hopefully I can finish this week out strong, and give my kids a good Easter. Or, at the very least I hope that if I do fuck the day up for everyone, I can get drunk enough to not remember/give a shit. Happy Easter everybody!

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