Wednesday, July 27, 2011

How Do You Know?

How do you know when it's right?

Not how do you know when you're in love. I know that. I mean, how do you know when it's the right love? When it's the love that is worth taking risks and making bigger than normal sacrifices for? The love worth really fighting for?

Maybe the answer is "All love is worth fighting, risking and sacrificing for" and in a lot of way, that is very true. Call me a big vagina, but I have always been a believer in love. Love has been almost like a life purpose for me in some ways. I truly believe, in the very core of myself, that without someone to love and give your heart to as completely as possible, what's the point of all this? The madness of this life we all live, what is it worth, without the bond that's shared between two people who truly and deeply love each other? In my opinion, there is no higher calling than real love.

BUT, with all of that sickly sweet romantic bullshit aside, I have been hurt by love. Ok, not love itself, because love doesn't hurt us, the people we love hurt us. So I guess I should say, I have loved too many of the wrong people. As a side effect, I have been let down, disappointed, betrayed, lied to, cheated on and left behind in so many ways you would think there is some club out there who's purpose is to find different ways to fuck me over emotionally. That sounded a little victimish....sorry.
With all of that in my past, I try really hard not to be jaded. To approach each relationship as if it were my first, and to give everyone a fair chance. And I think for the most part, I really do. Once I decide that I am not going to be scared, I dive right in. I let myself feel whatever I am going to feel, fall however far I am going to fall, and I hold nothing back. I don't let myself be scared. I accept the risk of possibly being hurt-nay, crushed, in the hands of the person I am falling so deliciously in love for, and I venture forward into that great Unknown. Hoping of course that they will venture with me, and we will love each other through all the dark, all the scary, all the difficult and wonderful moments in life. Seeing as how I have two kids by two different fathers and a list of exboyfriends behind me, and here I sit, single, one can safely presume that's never worked out the way I planned it.

So how do you know when it's right? When the person you're falling for is someone you should be falling for, someone who deserves your love and attention, someone who WILL love you back, and mean it when they say it? Someone who isn't just saying what you want to hear to be with you/fuck you/because it sounds cool/because they're conartists, etc. How do you know when the person you're falling for is going to fall too, and this time, they won't rip your heart out and eat it in front of you?
Is it right when it's realistic and responsible? When the person you're falling for is mature, stable and considerate? Because I've done that! Case and point: The relationship I was either in or chasing after for the last two fucking years. And that didn't work out so well. I mean, duh, I'M STILL ALONE.
Is it right when you fall in love with them easily? When being with them is effortless and natural and your feelings flow forward and onward without any hesitation or question? Because I've done that too. Anyone remember Zombie Justin?!
Is it right when you have both been together for a "reasonable" amount of time, know each other to a certain predetermined point where it is acceptable to say you know them, and can therefor love them? Cuuuuuuz I've so totally done that.
Is it right when they seem to match your feelings, are nice to you, kind to you, do what they say they're going to do and don't (seem) to lie to you? Does that mean you won't find out later it was all a solid brick of bullshit?
Or is it right when you feel indescribably drawn to someone from the moment you lay eyes on them? And not in a 100% sexual way. When you feel like you would give anything to be able to talk to them every day, after 1 conversation? Is it right when you've known them a week and you feel like right or wrong, good or bad, you could see yourself marrying them and finding a way to make it work, even though it's a little crazy and probably stupid? Is that when you know you've found someone who is good and right and safe to go ahead and love?

Or do we never ever know? Do we just feel what we feel and never have any way of knowing if it will all end in a big burning pile of shit somewhere down the road? And if we don't know....if we have no indication of what's to come, in any relationship with any person ever, (aside from the obvious clues that they might be a shitbag, like outright lying, cheating and beating you) then how do you know what the appropriate response is? How do you know when or if it's ok to say 'I love you' or let yourself really commit your feelings to this person? How do you know when you should get more serious or if something is too soon?
I mean, what if you fall madly in love with them a month after you start dating, they ask you to marry them, and it feels right, 100% right, but it's only been a month, do you say yes because you're following your heart, or do you say no because by society's standards it's too soon?

If we don't know what's going to happen, all we have to go off of is how we feel. Is there some magic guideline to when we should and shouldn't feel something, or who we should or shouldn't feel it for? Is there a chart somewhere that tells us what is an appropriate level of risk to take for a certain person at a certain time? Or are we really supposed to just jump in feet first, and go with exactly what our hearts tell us, even though we could be emotionally demolished at the end of things if our feelings turn out to be wrong, or if their feelings change, or if they were lying from the very beginning?

I don't know exactly what the right answer is, but as for me, I've always been a feet first kind of girl.

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