Thursday, September 1, 2011

Product Review: Ice Cream

I don't get product reviews done by bloggers. I see them on literally every blog I have ever read. Product review: cloth diapers! Product review: Swiffers! Product review: shoes! What have you. Maybe most of them do it to obtain blog traffic, and that makes sense. But I personally don't believe in writing to get people to read my blog. I believe in people following my blog because they like what I write. If people aren't interested in what I'm writing, then they're not interested in what's on my mind, and they shouldn't be following my blog anyway. 
So suck it.
Never the less, I want to be a cool kid too, so I decided I would make a product review, if nothing else, to see what all the fuss was about. Who knows, maybe when you make product reviews the sky opens up and Unicorns with horns that spout Starbucks coffee and butts that spray skittles when I've had a bad day come raining down and I get to keep them and name them all Darrel. I admit, it seemed far fetched, but I thought it might be possible. 
So the search was on to find something I wanted to review. Something I not only knew a little about, but also gave a shit about. At first, things weren't looking good. My options seemed to me down to various types of alcohol, the best cars for outrunning the cops, and sexual positions. 
Until today.
Today I went to the store (dun da da dun!) and as I was cruising the isles with my minions, who were fighting, running around and doing anything but being decent human beings, when I stumbled upon the ice cream isle (and by stumbled of course I mean ran to it at a full tilt like it was the last bottle of Patron on the planet). I was searching the Ben and Jerry's section, digging through the little pints in search of my usual, Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. I couldn't find it, and just as I was about to melt down in a sweaty panic on the tile floor, I saw something that caught my eye. Fair Goodness Cake ice cream. Now, I admit, at first I grabbed it because it said "Fair" and "Cake" and in my mind that meant funnel cake. I love funnel cake. We're not going to go into how much I love funnel cake, because I'm sure at some point this blog has a character limit, but I love it. A lot. 
Anyway, upon closer inspection I discovered this was chocolate ice cream, with German chocolate cake pieces and caramel coconut swirls. Ho-ly-shitballs. This ice cream was comin home with me! 
After a dinner of spaghetti with Italian sausage, hard boiled eggs and garlic bread, I dove right in to my little pint of Heaven, and oh my God, I think I instantly came. 
It's chocolaty, it's cakey, it's caramely and it's coconutty, and it tastes EXACTLY like German chocolate cake, if German chocolate cake had babies with an ice cream bar, and the baby jumped into my mouth. 
Long story short, my review of this product for those of you that give a shit about my opinion, is:
This shit is good. It will make you want to eat ice cream instead of have sex on a Thursday night. It will make you want to shove your whole face in the bowl and drown yourself in the cakey, coconutty goodness. It will make your life, your soul, and you as a person cooler, more attractive and more complete.
Fuckin eat it.

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