Monday Momisms: Why It's Wet

Meanwhile in my mothafuckin bathroom, someone is playing in piss water.

When you have a three year old of either gender, boy or girl, there are things you just don't want to know.

But when you have a 3 year old boy,  there are a fuckload of things you don't want to know. Ever.

Things like whether he has chocolate or poop on his hands. You don't need to know what it is, just wash it the hell off. 

Or what he's eating, oh my God what is he eating, can you get his mouth open to see what he's EATING?!

Nope because he just swallowed it. 

It was probably something gross that he found under the couch or outside under a rock, or possibly in his own shoe.

And you especially never ever ever want to know why he's wet. 

Anywhere on his body. 

Ever.

Unless you just pulled him out of the pool or the tub, he is never going to be wet for any reason that isnt fucking disgusting, and you are never going to be happy when you find out the answer. 

So save yourself some Vodka, and just stop asking.

I learned this lesson the hard way last night when I gave Jack his dinner, sat him down at his little table, and started putting groceries away and cleaning the kitchen. 

He has some tater tots with his dinner, and a big cup of water.

My mistake.

I got caught up doing shit {read: distracted by something shiny or edible} and a while later Jack came to me with his plastic airplane that he couldn't get the cockpit open on to put Darth Vader in the captains seat. 

Jack insists that Darth Vader isn't really evil, he's just misunderstood.

Anyway, without looking at the toy first, I held my hand out for it and instantly felt slimy, greasy WET plastic meet my palm and all my fingers.

Without thinking I dropped the toy and yelled "Why the hell is it wet?!"

Jack looked at me and said "Nuffing". Let me be clear: he did not look at me silently. No, he looked at me and responded to my question of why his toy was not only wet but greasy  with "Nuffing".

If he hadn't been 3 I would've been like "THAT IS NO KIND OF ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION OF THIS NATURE EVER" but he is 3 so instead I asked again 

"Jack, why is the plane wet?! Where did you get it wet at?!"

My mind started racing trying to figure out where he could've possibly found water to play in, and the only logical solution came to me: the toilet.

The kids have their own bathroom, and in the middle of eating he had asked to use the bathroom. 

I was too distracted with stupid bullshit to remember when he came back...

It made perfect sense. 

He put his fucking plane, and hands UP TO THE ELBOWS in the toilet and played for God knows how long.

And then I remembered: JACK NEVER FLUSHES THE TOILET EVER.

He played in piss water.

I jumped up and told him to show me where the plane got wet, and as he lead me toward the living room he said "In the big big water thing!" 

In my head I was screaming "HE TOTALLY FUCKING MEANS THE TOILET"

When we got to the dining room he stopped and pointed at his water cup.

In relief I noticed his little table was covered in water, and that's where he must've gotten all wet. 

My relief was quickly dashed however when I picked up his cup to find it full of mashed up tater tots, lettuce from dinner, and his pilot Darth Vader floating in about 3 inches of dirty water.

And that my friends is why you never leave your children alone while they're eating want to know why you're child is wet.

Kids can be so gross.