Before I had kids there were a lot of things I swore I would never do.
Things that I totally judged other parents for doing.
Things I would talk about as if I knew what the fuck parenting was like.
I did not.
I would like to openly and honestly apologize to every parent I ever judged for the following things:
1. I will never let my kids sleep in my bed. Ha! That ended after about a week of trying to get up and stumble through the house to get Lainie from her crib and breastfeed her sitting upright in a rocking chair.
2. I will never listen to inappropriate music in the car. Have you ever listened to a "children's music" CD? Ok, maybe you have, but have you ever listened to one 57 times in one day? If you have, you probably did what I did after the 57th repetition: throw that shit out the murther furking window and put Ludacris back on before you rammed your car into a pole.
3. I will never put the T.V. on to distract my kids. I don't even need to explain how wrong I was about this one. Let's just say, Thomas the Train has saved my life on more than one occasion.
4. I will never spank my kids. This one is controversial, and I'm not saying I'm right or wrong either way. I'm saying I said I'd never do it, and I have done it. End of story.
5. I will never send my kids to bed without having a bath. I'm starting to sound negligent here I'm afraid, but I think if we're all honest with ourselves, we can say that there have been nights when you just cannot go on another minute, and showering your kid in the morning, even if it means getting up 10 minutes earlier, is so unbelievably worth it.
6. I will never let my kids wear weird outfits/wear the same thing two days in a row/leave the house without brushing their hair.This went out the window the day Lianie started dressing herself, and when I realized tangled hair was not an epic battle worth having at 6 a.m. with an 8 year old.
7. I will never let my kids cry themselves to sleep as babies. Yep. I've done that. I was desperate and it was a choice between my sanity and their tears. My sanity won.
8. I will always have enough energy to play with my kids after work. Yeah. Sometimes, the most energy I can muster to spend time with them is to lay in bed together and take turns picking funny YouTube videos of cats doing weird things. Sometimes I tell them to go play with each other or go play outside. Sometimes Mommy just needs a fucking break.
9. I will never tell my kids to hit another kid back. Try sticking to that rule when your kid comes home with a huge swollen blue and purple bite mark on their arm, that they got from a bigger and OLDER child at daycare. That's when you hear yourself saying "If someone tries to hurt you, you have every right to defend yourself. Even if that means hitting them back."
10. I will never, ever, under any circumstances, pee with the door open or let my kids be in the bathroom whilst I am peeing. Anyone who's ever said that has never been responsible for the safety of a very curious 2 year old boy.