Friday, July 6, 2012

Worries, Fears and Broken Promises: The one where I go back on my word about not being depressing anymore


This is going to be an honest post. 
This is going to be one that returns to my recent habit of posting depressing shit, even though I told you I was making it up to you earlier today.
I'm going back on my word.
Partly because I feel like if I don't say this all in one form or another my head will explode, or my life will implode in on itself, and partly because this blog started out as a place where I could say anything.
And I try to keep it that way.
I'm stressed lately.
Maybe even becoming a little bit depressed.
It's sneaking in, quietly and carefully so as that at first I didn't even notice it.
But then it knocked a dish over and broke it and I'm painfully aware of it's presence now.
I'm beginning to worry about things I can't do anything about.
That's always a sign that I'm struggling inside.
I'm having anxiety attacks almost every day again.
That's a sign too.
I have very little interest in writing, if any at all to be honest with you. I had to almost force myself to write this post.
I don't feel like talking very much by the end of the day.
What I do feel like doing is sitting in my room as it grows dark in the evening and "forgetting" to turn the light on, until I'm staring at stupid shit on the internet in almost complete darkness.
I do feel like eating terrible foods.
I do feel like shopping. 
And I do feel like crying.
And I do feel like talking about cancer. All. the. freaking. time.
It's sickening.
But all of this heaviness in my chest is weighing down my mind.
Like I said, I'm starting to worry about stupid things.
I do my budget, and then re-do it and re-do it over and over to make sure my paycheck will last until the next one comes {even though I know it will} because out of nowhere, I'm worried about money.
I cringe every time my boss asks me to come to his office at work, or sounds grouchy on the phone because I've suddenly convinced myself {without any evidence or probably cause} that I'm about to get fired.
I'm worried about my poor little van because it has 130k miles on it and today at a stop light, the idle sounded rough and tired and I just knew it was going to die on me any second, and I really {like really} need that van to last me at least through the end of the year without requiring any major repairs, and all these awful fears and senseless worries just swirl around above me, until I'm having a crying panic attack in the stairwell at work, downing Rescue Remedy like it's water. 

I feel heavy.
I feel tired.
I feel scared.
I feel worried.
I feel like I'm standing on the edge of some terrible impending doom and I am powerless to stop it.
I feel very, very mortal.
And worst of all, I feel guilty.
I've been fighting with my father. Who has cancer. I mean really, what kind of hateful, awful person fights with someone who has cancer? What kind of terrible daughter gets angry at their dad who just found out he's sick, for ANYTHING? And what kind of miserable excuse for a daughter misses her dad's oncology appointment because she figured he was too angry with her to want her there? Only to get a text after it's over from him that says
"Wanna know what my oncologist said? He said where's your daughter."

Knife, meet heart.

I keep thinking "I should call someone...plan a girls'd be good to get out" and then in the same 10 minutes I think "No...crowds would bother me right now...and it's never cool to be the girl at the bar who keeps talking about cancer" and that's all that flows {and I mean FLOWS} out of my mouth when I get face to face with anyone these days.
I think "Maybe a vacation would make me feel better. A weekend trip somewhere" and then I think "And as soon as you get back from spending all that money, the van will die, you won't have cash to fix it, you won't be able to get to work, you'll lose your job and end up living in a minivan that doesn't even run"

Welcome to my hell.

I'm not sure what to do.
I want to be shaken....snapped out of this weird kind of nightmare filled coma somehow. 
I want something to be excited about, and less to worry about...or at least some sign that the things I'm worried about would be manageable if they did happen...or enough self control to stop worrying about them.
Really, I'd take any of those things.

I just want something to feel excited about.

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