Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Being Alone

This park is near my office.
On days when I am responsible enough to remember to bring my lunch, I grab a book and my food and come here. I sit under this tree and eat, and read and watch the ducks waddle around.
They don't mind me and I don't mind them.
I people watch, making up stories about the people I see.
The couple meeting for lunch, the two old ladies walking around together, the women with their children, and the ones who, like me, are there alone.
It's a simple thing, but it makes me so happy. I come back to work in such a better mood. It's finally nice outside in the middle of the day, and sitting under a tree between two big beautiful fountains with a book and a sadwich is pretty perfect.
Not long ago, this is something that would have made me a little sad to do by myself.
Now, I don't think I would invite anyone to come along. At least not most days.
It's quiet and it's cool and I'm starting to like being alone. At least more than I used to.
I think for a long time I depended on other people for my own happiness quite a bit. I wanted people around me, I needed people to talk to, I wanted someone to spend the majority of my time with who wasn't a toddler.
But I'm learning to make myself happy on my own.
Not that I don't need anyone, that's ridiculous.
Everybody needs somebody sometimes and anyone who says they don't is a damn liar.
It's more that I'm alone more these days because I choose to be, not because there was no one to hang out with. And if there's something that will make me happy, I usually just go and do it, or think it or say it myself, rather than waiting and hoping someone else will come with me, or say what I need to hear.
So far, I'm pretty happy.
I still need to be held sometimes.
I still need to be told that everything will be OK sometimes.
But I'm trying to learn to make everything OK on my own, and make myself happy regardless of who's coming or going in my life at the time.
I've learned too many important people can be far too temporary.
Feelings change, needs change, people leave.

I'll always be here with myself though, so I'm learning to be OK with that during the times when that's all there is.
Just me.

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