This is the most accurate picture of life with little boys that I could find.
When I was pregnant with Lainie, I wanted a girl depserately. I know that might sound terrible, because everyone always says "As long as it's healthy, I don't care!" but I did care.
Not that I wouldn't have loved the baby if she had been a he, but I truly wanted a little girl so bad I could taste it. And when she came along, I was so happy. And then, once I had decided for sure that I wanted at least one more baby, I knew I wanted my last one to be a boy.
Boys are easier, everyone said.
Boys are more attached to their mama, everyone said.
Boys are fun, everyone said.
Have a boy, they said.
It will be fun, they said.
I mean, not that having a boy isn't awesome.
I love little Jack Attack with all my heart.
But they are in no way easier.
Maybe some people think they're easier because they're less emotional. I haven't found this to be all that true. I think they become less emotional with age, but as toddlers? Little boys are just as sensitive and needy as little girls.
But they also break shit.
And by 'shit' I mean fucking everything they can touch, whether they're left alone with it or not. Jackson will break something right in front of me. He gives zero fucks about it.
And they also have this strange need to see how much they can do before they kill themselves.
Climb that tree to the top in .3 seconds while no ones looking? Absolutely.
Stand on top of my pedal car and do jumping jacks? Sounds fun.
Get out of the tub soaking wet and go running at break neck speed through the house, in bare feet on the tile? Don't mind if I do!
Wonder off, hide from Mommy, pee on electrical things, pee on the tile and don't say anything until someone slips in it, pee in public, run with scissors, steal frozen fish sticks from the freezer and eat some but don't tell Mommy how many so she has to call the doctor and find out if that could give me Salmonila or not, climb bookshelves that would crush my tiny bones if they were to fall on me, lock myself in the bathroom so the door handle has to be taken off before I throw the hair dryer in the toilet whilst it's on.
They ways in which they seem determined to kill themselves is mind boggling.
How any boy every lived to be 18 is beyond me.
Sure, girls are sensitive, girls get emotional, girls have attitudes and they seem to hit puberty long before boys do, but girls just never even think to do half the shit little boys do.
Girls will wear you out mentally and emotionally.
Boys will wear you out physically from trying to save their life and stop them from burning your house down, and then once they've sensed that you're physically weakened and can't go on, they will ask you questions you didn't think were even possible to come up with, until your head explodes.
Why are dogs brown sometimes?
Can cats do magic?
What happens when the light turns off in the fridge?
Why do I have to eat dinner?
Do you want to see this trick I can do?
Why are you crying?
Is it ok to hit my sister if she called me a baby first and I told her not to?
Am I person shaped?
What does a dragon do for fun?
Can I have a motorcycle?
MOMMY WAKE UP I'M TALKING TO YOU.
I still haven't figured out if boys are harder than girls, or if they're equally exhausting.
I have definitely decided that boys are much more destructive than girls, and they don't seem to feel bad about it the way a girl would if she made the same messes or caused the same chaos.
Also I don't remember Lainie peeing on nearly as many things in the whole 8 years of her life, as I remember Jackson peeing on just this week.
So there's that.
My advice to you future parents?
Have a boy, it's fun.
But have a girl too.
They'll put out the fires your son sets, and there will be at least one room in the house that doesn't smell like dirt and urine.