Monday, October 28, 2013

A lot of thoughts and little sense


Hi there.
It's almost 2 am and I am awake because I took a sudden and unplanned exhaustion-nap earlier and didnt wake up til 6 pm.
Work should be fun tomorrow.
This weekend was busy and crazy and fun and hard, all at once, and now I'm sore and have no voice, and for dinner I think I ate all of the Chinese food there ever was.
I shot two weddings in two days, you guys.
I literally can't believe that.
My shoulders are killing me from lifting my heavy as hell camera for so many hours in a row, and my thigh muscles want to kill me, and talking at a volume higher than a whisper makes me sound like a 13 year old boy in the violent throws of puberty, but I'm really happy.
I love what I'm doing. 
I know all weddings won't be beautiful, not all brides will be lovely, not all people will be awesome to work with, but right now I'm trying to take it all in, and enjoy it.
On Friday, one of my co-workers that I did family photos for came to my desk to tell me how amazing him and his wife thought my pictures were. How happy they felt, and he even went as far as to start pulling his favorites up on Facebook and going into detail about how he felt when he first saw them.
My heart was full.
This is an awesome job.
Later when I heard him in the Sales pit showing everyone my pictures online, the ooh's and aw's and kind words were too much. I walked away with tears in my eyes.
I'm lucky.

This blog feels like it's in a middle place right now. 
I stopped writing as regularly, and I know my readership has gone way down. 
I've always said I write here for me, and that's true, but losing the little family of readers has made it harder to come back here and keep writing.
Also, sharing the personal and more intimate details of myself and my life has gotten harder lately too.
I don't really know why.
I guess maybe because I feel like I'm living a lot of different lives right now, and anything I write honestly will contradict itself.
I'm struggling with a deep level of unhappiness and frustration with my day-job, and also relishing the joy and success of my photography business, but also feeling frustrated that it's still too little to stand on it's own income wise yet, so I'm stuck doing both at once. One thing that makes me feel like a failure, and another thing that feels like a dream.
It's confusing.
Also in the world of intimate and personal relationships, I can't seem to make heads or tails of things.
There's a person I want to be with, but the logistics and also the dynamics of the relationship itself make me wonder if it's even possible for that relationship to ever be a real thing.
A thing that can walk on two feet, step out into the light and world and go forward.
A thing that can turn into a future, a life, a family, a forever.
There's a lot of impatience and frustration wrapped up in there too, between the uncertainty of the future and my desire for things to all fall into place right now.
Maybe a lot of what's contradictory right now is my own issue.
Maybe if I were better at letting things go and seeing what happens, I'd be happier.
Maybe if I'd been born in Harlem instead of California, I'd have that hip hop career I've always daydreamed about. 
Who knows.
There's a lot of maybes.
I'm trying to just keep moving, keep thuggin', and keep my eye on the prize.
A job I love.
A life that makes sense.
Clean kitchen floors.
Someone to drink wine on the couch with, and talk to when I get home from work.

We all want things.

P.S. If you want to see some of the photos from this weekend's weddings, they're on the blog on my business website, 

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