The Day After: An explanation and a thank you

First of all, I wanted to say thank you to the readers who sent me private messages asking if I was ok, and telling me if I needed anything they were there {Hi Nana}, after yesterday's blog version of a temper tantrum.
Second, I wanted to say I'm fine.

Yesterday was a bad day.

In fact, it was the third bad day in what started off as a miserable week.

Fights, anxiety, emotional outburst and uncontrollable neediness made for a very DONE Sarah, who had a choice between screaming if everyone's face and running away to Cuba, or blogging out her rage.

You're welcome to everyone I did not scream at.

I'm sorry to those of you that I may have yelled at...a little...in a....cute way?

Anyway, everything is fine.

Sometimes I forget what a community blogging creates.

Even if your readers don't comment on every single post, when they sense that you're hurting or in trouble, they always come through with a kind word or an email, or a virtual hug.

It's awesome.

I think we all love blogging and love reading other's blogs because it reminds us that we all have bullshit in our lives, we all fuck up, and we all have small little moments that are sweet, and good, and no matter insignificant they might seem, we all feel more real when we see those small life moments lived out by the bloggers we read religiously.

We recognize ourselves in their words, we see our families in their pictures, and we know we're not the only weirdos who photograph our food, or plan out the next months worth of posts, or stay up all night blog surfing.

In short, y'all are awesome.

Group hug.

xoxo

Sarah

The Roaring 400

So something happened the other day that completely escaped my notice until now.

My last post was number 400.

400 Posts on this little blog here, over the last 3 years.

Holy wow, you guys.

Maybe it's not a big deal at all. Maybe it's just further evidence that I talk a lot and if there's no one around to talk to I'll still find a way to make sure everyone knows my opinion on everything.

But it feels big.

This little journal here has transitioned quite a bit from what it started as in 2009.

Initially, it was place for me to just write.

I've always been terrible at keeping journals.

I lose them, I forget about them, they end up discarded into piles of old books I never read anymore or shoved into shoe boxes at the back of my closet. So many empty pages left, all the entries months apart.

But I thought for some reason an online writing place would be better.

I could make it pretty, personalizing it with pictures and lay outs and all kinds of things. I would never lose it, and I could come back to it even if I'd forgotton about it for months, and it would never hold my absence against me.

At first no one read it.

I would get maybe 5 hits on a good day, and most of those I think were from me.

At some point, those numbers started climbing and people I'd never told about the blog started asking me about it. Saying they read it, they check it every day, when am I going to post again?

I had no idea that there would ever be a point where people would purposely take time out of there day to come hear me ramble and complain, rant and cry.

But for some reason, some people do.

And in a strange way, I'm grateful to those people.

I feel like you all know me, more intimately than I might have ever let you if this blog didn't exist.

There have been things I've posted here that I might not have said had we been face to face with each other.

Maybe it's for the same reason that it's easier to tell someone how you feel in a text or an email than in a phone call or over coffee.

You have time to put the words together just the right way, then you hit publish, walk away and forget about them.

You don't experience the same vulnerability of the listener's silence. Waiting to see how they'll respond, the pressure they must feel of needing to respond the right way.

I can tell you all my secrets and you can respond or not, and it's ok.

I guess in some fashion this blog is teaching me how to let people in.

And, this may surprise you, but that's actually hard for me.

I've always hidden in plain sight.

I've kept people at a distance by being the person who says things other people won't say, being wildly outgoing, overly social, and giving the impression that I'm not in the least bit shy.

But I am.

It's just that when people think you don't hold back they think you've let them in.

And then they don't pressure you, they don't dig for details, they don't ask you questions you don't want to answer or make you reveal things you don't want to show.

This blog is the place where I can be vulnerable, without being scared.

So, 400 posts later, I want to thank each and every one of you.

For listening to all my secrets, watching my life and my often fumbling attempt to live it, unfold.

For watching me fall and never once leaving hateful comments or sending me private messages that say "I told you so"

Of all the hundreds of hits I get in a day, not one of you has ever made me feel bad about the mistakes I've admitted to here, or said things like "Not for nothing, but, who the hell cares?"

And because I know there's even one person in the world who reads this, it gives me a reason to write.

Which I think, of all my sham talents and failed attempts at success, writing is the one thing I get right.

And all of you make me work at it.

Try harder at it.

Practice it, and over all just sit down and do it even when it hurts, because I know it will feel better when it's over.

I appreciate this blog, and I appreciate each person who reads it.

Thanks for being my silent best friends, and letting me tell you everything.

Because, we all need someone we can tell everything to, without being afraid, don't we?



Thankful

I am thankful for long, full days at work that make time pass quickly and have kept me away from myself.

+

I am thankful for little boys who always want another hug before they go to sleep.

+

I am thankful for chances. Seconds, thirds, fourths.

And hopefully making them count.

+

I am thankful for work friends who become real friends. Who drive you home when your tire goes flat and pick you up when it's still not fixed, and answer texts and phone calls and questions, and are always willing to tell you it will be ok.

+

And this morning, maybe just a little bit, I am most thankful for coffee.

Especially of the delicious and free variety.