Thursday, April 28, 2011

Comfortably Numb?

Wow. What a wild couple of weeks it's been. We all know about last week, the thunderstorm of babies. And then the weekend, full of helping my preceptor move, taking care of kids, getting blown off by my Roomie, preparing for Easter and trying not to lose my schmidt (and that was just Saturday!) Then Easter actually came, and it was exhausting and annoying and drained the very last bit of life juice I had, so I got all stabitty and started yelling at everyone. Neat.
This week has been equally excellent and world shattering. I have been doing my best to cope like a big girl, and I honestly think so far, I've done a pretty awesome job. I mean, not to toot my own horn (do you know I hate that expression?! I don't even know why I just said it...) but I think I have handled that last two weeks with a lot of courage and grace, and I am really super proud of myself for not going totally postal, or stabbing anything with a pulse, or vandalizing any cars just because they resemble the car that Batman drives.
I haven't made any sudden changes or drastic, last minute decisions. I haven't deleted Batman's number and told him to stay the fuck away from me and don't call anymore. I haven't really said anything mean, or harbored any super angry thoughts toward him at all. He's just been too cool about everything, and too kind and supportive, and I really do miss being his friend a lot. I even thought about hanging out with him this Saturday, until I realized that was the stupidest idea I had ever had.
I am wondering if I really am making stellar progress toward getting over him, and if I really am like the strongest, most patient person in the world who apparently no longer needs to eat or sleep and can live on coffee and saltines alone, or if it's something else. Have I not had any major Target style freak outs in the last two weeks because I am just.......numb? Have I moved back behind my little brick wall of denied feelings to take cover from the stress, the rejection, the anxiety, the endless list of things to do, the outrageous lack of sleep, the constant pressure and the mind numbing loneliness, in order to protect whatever is still left of my tenderness and open, giving sensitivity? Have I closed off?
Even if I have, I don't know for sure that right now, at this point in my life, that would be a bad thing. It would just be something that happened. My heart's way of protecting itself, right? Am I kidding myself though? Am I really doing pretty much fine, and coping amazingly well with what I have been given in the last 12 days, or am I just living off instinct, shifting into survival mode, and not letting anything get close enough to phase me?
It's just......interesting, is all.

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