Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Attack of the Ninja Sadness

This being my first official day as a 100% single, and newly broken hearted person, I was definitely curious about how I would handle it. Last night was....not pretty. I cried, I sang Joni Mitchell really loudly, I drank and entire bottle of $5.00 white wine from Target- Classy! And I generally felt awful. I was so fortunate though that Batman and I are friends, and have always been friends first before anything else. We talked. We actually had a really good conversation (I think, I mean I was bombed, but it felt nice) and opened up about how we both felt, and exactly what we both needed, and promised to be friends and be there for each other. It was actually very sweet, and made me feel like there is no way I could ever hate him for any of this, because he is just being so fucking cool about it. And genuinely kind.
Today I woke up severely dehydrated and slightly hung over, but other than that, I felt fine. Emotionally and mentally, I was rock solid. I felt like this was no big deal, I would still have Batman in my life as a good, close friend, and we would be stronger for what we went through together over the last two years. I felt like I was looking forward to the brand new day ahead of me. Someone should have punched me in the jeans and told me to wake the fuck up and smell the rejection. This feeling wasn't going to last forever. It didn't.
I don't know what exactly caused the snap, but somewhere around 3 p.m., I just lost it. I was overcome with sleepiness, the kind of sleepiness where you just know it's because you're terribly depressed and your bed is your only friend, and I felt on the verge of tears. I laid down, and upon waking at 4:30 p.m., instantly began sobbing uncontrollably, AGAIN! The Roomie came home around this time, and patted my head and hugged me, and started getting ready for his second job. I followed him upstairs pathetically, begging him to call in sick from his second job and babysit me. For the love of antidepressants, I was pathetic. I was a mess. He should have slapped me and told me to get a hold of myself! But he was just so nice about it. He didn't call in, but he did hug me before he left, and promised to try to come home early. He told me I would be ok. That I had a big sad right now, but I have some strength inside me too, I just don't feel it right now. He was a good friend. I was too stubborn to be comforted though, so I just pouted and yelled "Well I'm not fucking cooking!" and then took the kids to Sweet Tomato's. Their soups are just so rich and comforting.
I hate ninja sadness. It sneaks up on you when you think you finally get a handle on things. It kicks you in the balls just as you smile for the first time after hours of endless crying, and it is possibly more crushing and debilitating than the initial sadness you felt when this nightmare began, because it came even more out of nowhere, right when you were enjoying feeling normal again. It's a sucker punch.
Missing Batman is a complicated emotion. We were never "officially together" but that is a term I don't even completely understand, because relationships are all so different, personal, and illogical anyway. Batman and I didn't do things like other couples did, but we were together in our own way, and in so many different ways, for a long time. For two years. It really is hard to believe that I won't ever kiss him again, or sleep beside him in his bed. It's even harder and more crushing to think about the fact that he will start dating someone else. He might fall in love with that someone else. He might marry that someone else, and I will be reminded all over again, that as much as I loved him (and I really did love him alot) I wasn't right for him. And that sucks. Because I think we both really wanted to be right for each other, and fall in love with each other, because things between us were so effortless, comfortable and happy. Missing him is also weird, because I know we will always be friends. It's not like he's just gone from my life, we just won't have sexy time anymore. But I also have to let go of the hope I had that we would be together for along time. The hope I had that he loved me back, and that I was indescribably special to him. The hope that it wasn't me, he just wasn't ready. I have to give up, let go, move on and stop loving him and wanting to be with him. I have to find somebody else (*shudder*)
It's overwhelmingly sad to even write about. Sometimes it just really sucks when the heart decides it knows better than everybody else, and nobody gets what they wanted.
I miss Batman. I has a big sad.

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