Tuesday, April 5, 2011

On waking up, getting organized and other things I'm terrible at

I am not a morning person. Not by any means, not in 100 years, not by a friggin long shot. I could easily stay up past 2 in the morning, any night of the week, but make me get up at 6 a.m., even if I got a full 8 hours of sleep before that, no way. Just not happening. The only times I am able to pull my ass out of bed at such ungodly hours is when I am called to a birth, and I think the only the thing that motivates me then is A. I don't want to have to pay a backup doula to take my place and B. I love my clients too much to miss their birth. My not being a morning person poses many problems.
1. I do the school runs around here. That means I need to be up, awake enough to drive, and have all 3 of us dressed, somewhat presentable and in the car NO LATER than 8 a.m. SHARP. Seriously. Traffic between here and Lainie's school is so hit or miss, 5 minutes can make a huge difference.
2. The kids also need to eat something before school
3. Jack isn't old enough to dress himself in the morning
4. I am a HUGE BITCH in the morning. I mean huge. Ever been eaten by a dragon? No? Well stop by my house on a normal Wednesday morning around 7:30 a.m. and you can have that experience. Lately, I have managed to get up on time (barely) but if I don't have meetings scheduled all day, or I'm not expected in my preceptor midwife's office, I will go straight back to bed as soon as I get home from dropping off the kids. I will come home, check my email, my facebook, post something clever in my status, kick off my shoes, crawl right back into bed, and stay there until some awful hour of the day that pretty much guarantees I will get nothing else done. I know, it's pathetic. I know, it can't go on this way. I know, I know, I know. But what to do?
I have tried going to bed at a reasonable hour, I am taking vitamins, I do not have some horrible terminal disease, and STILL it is like waking the dead to get me out of bed on time. Ugh. Work in progress? I guess so.
Now my other dilemma. Organization. SUCK AT IT! I mean, really, I am great at it. I can sit down in a cluttered room or office and have that shit put together, looking great in no time flat, really, I can. But A. Finding the time to do it to my own house is impossible, B. What little time I do have that could be donated to that cause, I would rather spend, oh I don't know, breathing?! Reading two pages of a book, taking a shower or napping? I get very little time to do nothing, or to rest, or take care of myself. I rarely feel like using that precious time on organization. So it never gets done and the house swells up around me until I feel trapped by the overwhelming willy nilly-ness of the crap we have, and the fact that nothing has it's own place, until I freak out and cry. Ya. I'm a real winner, let me just tell you THAT right now. Ugh.
And now, onto the last, but definitely not least, probably absolute WORST character flaw I am struggling with. Money Management. Ugh! I hate even saying those words. Dealing with money gives me so much anxiety, it's enough to make me cry. I feel like I could easily be a miser, just because actually spending money, budgeting, saving, investing, etc. makes me so antsy and scared, I always freak out and give up. I know, this is terrible! Some of you are probably shaking your heads, and tisk tisking at the screen thinking of me, going weeks without checking my bank balance because the ever decreasing number always scares me, and running out of money is literally one of my worst fears, but I can't help it! Dealing with money freaks me out, stresses me out, and honestly I really suck at it. I know this needs to change, like, yesterday, especially now that I am running my own business, but what can I say. It's another work in progress I guess. Being a grown up really sucks ass sometimes.

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