Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Perfect Moms

Perfect Moms. There might not be anything in the world that I hate more than Perfect Moms. Well, except running out of dark chocolate and migraines....but Perfect Moms are definitely in the top three of most hated things in the world.
Perfect moms are sneaky, because they come in so many different shapes, sizes and annoying flavors, that sometimes you don't even know you've encountered a Perfect Mom until you're balls deep in her obnoxious self worship and obsession over what other people think. Not to mention her relentless judgment of everyone around her. Since it can be so hard to spot a Perfect Mom, and they can be so sneaky and deceptive, I have decided to give a quick run down of some of the most common, and coincidentally most deadly varieties of Perfect Moms.

1. The All Organic Mom: These moms are pretty obvious usually from the start, and honestly don't seem that bad at first, when they're innocently doling out their organic fruit snacks and fresh squeezed apple juice in recycled glass bottles to their perfect angel children who have never ever ever consumed a bit of white flour or sugar, and never had dinner out of a microwave. But over time, these moms creep up on the annoying scale, one little "Oh we don't eat stuff like that" or "We don't own a microwave" comment at a time. It starts with sweet things like "Hey did you know you can purchase raw, organic milk from this cute little dairy farm 30 miles away, for only $58676958687.00 a gallon?! That's where we get allllll our dairy products." or "Oh I don't know what show that is, we don't own a T.V." and eventually turns into comments like "You're so brave, letting your kids drink water out of plastic bottles and letting them eat Lunchables. I just don't even want to KNOW what all those horrible chemicals are doing to their sweet little bodies. You must have good health insurance." and their endless ranting eventually becomes quite fuzzy, until you hear them start listing off all the perfect, nutritious, completely organic meals and snacks they ALWAYS have handy, and how much better they are at life than you, until you are so blind with frustration and fury, all you can do is look for the nearest sandwich to smack them with, or a led filled plastic Dora toy you can fashion into a quick shiv. Fact of the matter is, not all families have the time or bank account to buy all organic, and not all families give a shit! I will feed my kids whatever the fuck I want, thank you very much.

2. The Involved in Everything Mom: The mom who runs the PTA, helps out with the soccer team, leads a girl scout troop and has organized every fucking bake sale since the beginning of time. She has like 4 identical blond children, drives the biggest, most obnoxious and technologically advanced mini van there is, and is never, ever, ever late for a single school or church function. She does NOT forget birthdays, PTA meetings or fundraisers, and is always volunteering other parents for shit we don't have the fucking time for because WE HAVE JOBS and not half the energy this Frankenmom seems to possess. She is SO good at guilting you over how you never wear your "Soccer Mom and Proud of it!" Sweatshirt she hand embroidered for all the moms of all the kids on the soccer team, and is always ready to remind you of some stupid, boring ass event you have no desire to be a part of. Ya. I hate her too.

3. The 1960's Holdover Mom: Ah yes. The insult to feminism and working moms everywhere. The mother who still acts like a woman's place is at home with her children, preferably while cooking something, and who's life completely revolves around her children. I mean, we're all into our kids, we all think they are awesome, and we all love them to bits and pieces, but this mom loves her kids like she has nothing else in life to look forward to, think about, be interested in or love. Well, probably because she doesn't. This mom's best weapon is guilt. Guilt is usually most effective on new moms, or moms with self esteem problems (which let's face it, how many women do you know without some level of low self esteem or self doubting tendencies?) It's best just to remember that you love your kids too, but in more of a normal, motherly love kind of way, and not in the obsessive-has nothing in life BUT your kids-will probably breed a Norman Bates-type way. You hold your head high when you bring in that paycheck sister, you earned it :)

4. The Holier Than Thou Mom: This may be the most dangerous type of mother there is. The mother who is so obsessed with being perfect, maybe even so convinced she IS perfect, that not only will she never admit to any weakness, stress or mothering mistake, she will push herself (and ultimately her family) so hard to actually live up to that expectation, that she ultimately pushes everyone away from her, including her loved ones and friends. For moms like this being perfect is not just about keeping up appearances, it's a life style. They are rigid in their routines, harsh with their criticism, paranoid of failure or looking bad, and so very generous with their judgment, nobody lasts long in their company without being convicted of being not as good as them, or worse, a "Bad Mother". Moms like this think they actually possess the right, given to them at birth, to decide who is a good mom, who is fit to have children, and who isn't. Sure, we all make little judgments like that everyday, like when we look at Dina Lohan, or Billy Ray Cyrus, but we base those decisions on things like drinking with their underage children, or letting their 14 year old daughter pose half naked for a magazine. The Holier Than Thou Mom bases her decision on things like how even your kids pigtails are, or whether or not their outfits coordinate perfectly. Ever dropped your kid off late at school because everyone in the house overslept? Unacceptable. Ever let your kids trash the living room while you poured yourself a glass of wine and melted into the couch on a Friday night after an exceptionally shitty, exhausting week, just because the kids were being quiet and you didn't have the strength for one more time out? Well you should lose your kids then, in her opinion. Don't even THINK about putting the little spoons in the big spoon slot in the silverware organizer either. Oh. How. Dare. You?!

5. The Mom Who Has it All Together: Last but not least we meet the perfect mom who isn't necessarily evil or threatening in any way, we just hate her because we are so completely jealous of her. This mom keeps it all together. She has like 5 kids, a full time job, a gorgeous husband, a spotless house, home cooked meals every single night of the week, always looks perfect at 7:30 in the morning as she's dropping off her beautiful, well behaved kids, and never has a hair out of place or a frown on her face. How the fuck does she do it?! We're not mad at you, perfect multitasker, we are just so completely jealous of your super human abilities, we would buy you all the Starbucks you could drink, if you would give us your secrets. But, you probably don't need Starbucks because you never look tired. And you look like half your age. Ugh. Just die. Please.

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