Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Top Ten Things I Have Learned About Breaking Up

Breaking up is hard to do, and there are many, many reasons that it sometimes has to be done. I don't know how proud I should or shouldn't be to admit that I have done my share of breaking up, both as the dumper and the dumped. My lessons in love gone bad, and finding out you were never loved at all have taught me much. This morning, as I nurse a hang over from drinking an entire bottle of cheap white wine and smoking too many cigarettes while I licked my fresh break up wounds, I would like to share my knowledge with you. Enjoy. And please stop breathing so loud, I have a headache.
  1. Music will save you. Joni Mitchell, Tori Amos, Tracy Bonham, Bright Eyes and Jackson Brown are just some of my personal break up favorites. Stay away from Van Morrison though. He's lethal.
  2. Chocolate helps.
  3. Don't push yourself toward being friends before you're ready. First of all, not ALL ex's are meant to be friends. Some of them just shouldn't be allowed within 200 yards of each other's person, home or work place. Seriously. But, even if you and your ex really truly should be friends, either because you were super amazing friends before dating and still respect and admire each other that way, or because you have children together, then go at a comfortable pace. Don't agree to see a movie together next weekend, and don't pretend like you won't hate the other person, even for like 5 minutes. You will. Be honest about that. If they truly want to be your friend, they will stick around and tough it out, and be there for you when appropriate.
  4. Wine is your friend. Really. You have one night, just ONE NIGHT, which is usually the night you get dumped, or at least the night you accept that it's really over, to get completely and totally piss pants wasted. Don't squander that gift! Buy some boxed wine, throw the Joni Mitchell on and call a drinking buddy over for a good cry fest. You need it, trust me.
  5. Cry. Just go ahead and cry. Try not to do it too loudly if you're in public, but regardless, shed those tears. It helps. Really.
  6. Those tiny packages of Kleenex are fucking useless. They just dissolve when they hit a drop of liquid, and tears magically turn them into little snotty fuzz balls that stick to your face and make you feel itchy and pissed off. Charmin toilet paper is the way to go. Trust me.
  7. Drink water. Crying is super dehydrating and the last thing you need right now is a huge headache. Drink water and wine.
  8. For the love of God eat something.
  9. Your friends really will be there if you ask them. But you have to tell them exactly what you need from them. Don't expect your ex to be there for you, I mean they just either dumped you or got dumped by you. They may not give a shit about comforting you right now. They're hurting too. If you two somehow are really able to be there for each other, and talk and open up about what went wrong and why, then you are already building on a stable post break up friendship. Congrats.
  10. It might hurt a little bit, forever. I'm being totally honest when I say this, because I am here to teach you something, right? I didn't get out of bed with this hangover for nothing, asshole. I know everyone says "It won't hurt forever" or "You'll get over that douche bag and find someone so much better and forget all about him" Ya, that's true if he really was a douche bag. But not relationships end because of out right douchery. Not all relationships end with one of you getting completely fucked over, and if you really, really, really, I mean REALLY loved the person you've given up or lost, it just might sting a little bit forever. You probably won't forget them, I can guarantee you don't want to forget them, and even though you will find someone better for you, you will probably always miss certain things about being with that other person. That's just the way love is. But you WILL be ok. You will make it through it, and you will be a smarter, stronger and more awesome person for it.
"You're the color of the sky reflected in each store front window pane. You're the whispering and the sighing of my tires in the rain. You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost in everything I do. And I'll never stop looking for you. In the sunlight and the shadows, in the faces on the avenue. That's the way love is. That's the way love is." -Jackson Browne, Sky Blue and Black

I'm gonna miss a little something about being with you for a long time. If not forever.

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