Wednesday, July 20, 2011

All These Buckets of Rain

Today's blog post is brought to you by the word: Change and the number C.

In the last week I have been repeatedly tripped up, thrown off and spun around by how quickly things can change. Change in ways I may have seen coming....Change in ways I never expected....Change from the only thing I have known for 2 years...and change back to a place I seemed to be 10 years ago.

By nature I am someone who is freakishly used to change.

My life has changed more times and in more ways than I even care to count anymore.

But lately it's been more than I can digest all at once.

I'm overwhelmed.

In the last week I found out my roommate of almost two years, the famous and faithful Roomie, will be moving out. Moving away....
At first when it was brought up-nay, more like discovered, it was supposed to be down the road, a couple months, blah blah blah. And while a couple months still wasn't very far away considering how long we have lived together here in this crazy little condo with these crazy little kids as....I shudder to say the word....a family, still, I thought I had time to get ready for this. But now, he's leaving in a month.
In one month, he's leaving....It's a lot to take in. This is gay, this is corny, this makes me a HUGE vagina, and I totally know that because The Roomie is not my boyfriend, he hasn't been in like two years, and he's not the father of my children, and he's not the person I want to spend my life with, but he's my best friend. He's been a better friend than I've deserved at times, and a better friend than I expected, and even when we were at each other's throats, he was always there. And that's a hell of a lot more than I can say about too many other people in my life. He was always, always there. Blood relation, DNA and legal marriages or romantic relationships aside, we were a family. That's something I've never had, and always wanted. Just thinking about what this place will be like without him, without his voice, without seeing him walk in the door everyday after work and smile at us, rush into the kitchen and eat whatever I made for dinner, watch T.V. with before bed, and talk to when I've had the worst day ever (I can tell him anything)....It's too sad.

Another huge change that has come my way has been with my business. It's slowed, way down, and at this point I am looking at going back to work in a "normal job" after quite a while of working for myself. What is this going to mean? Do I have to give up my apprenticeship? Do I have to stop taking clients altogether? How do I attend births and work a full time job at the same time? And what about money? Paying for daycare is no easy feet, that shit is expensive. And Tiny starts school again soon. Who will get her either to school, or from it if she's not in part time daycare? So that means I'm paying for daycare for two...full time....And in case you didn't know this, I don't get child support. Yet. That's another thing I need to tackle. Another huge change. Communicating again with my children's fathers....asking them for I deserve, and the kids desperately need, but still, money all the same....possibly even court hearings.

My goodness....

And finally, the last and most interesting change of all...The way something that has been long gone for ten years, something you thought had disappeared and would never return, the way some old part of you can light up again after so long, and change everything....

It's all just so....interesting. I guess we'll have to wait, hope and see where everything goes.

No comments:

Post a Comment