Thursday, September 22, 2011

Letting the Love Barrier Down, or Cutting the Bullshit

I read something today that made me think.
I kind of hate that.
You are doing perfectly fine, thinking your life is great and you don't need to change or do a Goddamn thing, then all of a sudden you read something, and you think

Totally happened to me, just now. 

I read a blog written by some random person I have never met, while I browsing different blogs, because I am lame and I stay up late browsing blogs.
Deal with it.
The blog post was about "Letting down the love barrier" and really being honest with your partner.
At first I thought "Holy shit that sounds dumb. I mean, how corny is that? Letting down the love barrier. Psssht."

And then I read the post.

And holy shit. It brought fucking tears to my eyes.
{Nobody makes me cry my own tears. Nobody}

The whole post was about how when we love someone intimately, we don't always show them our complete selves, the way we would to our best friend or certain family members. 
We don't want them to stop loving us, and intimate, relationshipy type love always seems more fragile than the love we feel for our best friends, so we try to appear more perfect in order to maintain it.
With our best friends, we fear no rejection. We know that they will be our friends no matter what, and we tell them everything. All our secrets, all our fears, all our insecurities, everything. 
Who do you call when you're flipping out about something stupid, or crying for no reason, or just having a really shit day and need a little love?
Your best friend.
Because you can say to them "Oh my fucking God, everything has gone wrong today this week, and I am such a bad mood, and I'm hungry, and tired, and I just need you to tell me I'm awesome and I can do this before I snap and straight up cap a bitch."
Ok, maybe y'all don't say it like that, but I do, because I'm a shade or two more crazy than the average bear.
But you know what I mean. 
You call them, you spill your ugly crazy guts, and you know they will say exactly what you need to hear. They might laugh at how silly you're being, or give you a little shit later for being such a huge vagina, but they will love you.
They won't judge you.
They won't break up with you.
They won't hang up and think "Wow. That chick is damaged goods. She's obviously a hot mess of crazy and I better keep my finger prints off that trainwreck" and then mysteriously stop returning your calls. 

That is what I want in a partner.

I want a best friend.

I want someone who I can show everything to, who I can allow to know me completely, someone that I can trust with my real, true and honest and imperfect self. 

To do that, this other blogger says, you have to let down the "love barrier"
You have to stop seeing them as your lover, this person who you must impress and woo and seduce constantly, and see them as your life partner.
Yes, it is still important to give a shit, y'all I am NOT sayin this is license to stop shaving your legs, or doing the little things to keep the romance and spice alive in your relationships.
I'm saying, that in the interest of really knowing each other, you have to put down the pretenses and the romance, and see them as your life partner.
Your best friend.
The person you have decided to embark on forever with, and understand that if that forever is really meant to be, or has any hope of lasting, it has to be built on trust.
Trust that you can be your true and real and imperfect self
Trust that you can really tell them anything, even the shit you normally only tell your best friend
You have to communicate your needs, your fears, your hopes, dreams and secrets as honestly and openly as possible,
And TRUST that they are going to respond with love, understanding and acceptance. 
That they will be tender and gentle with your true self, and love you stronger and harder at the end of the day because they know and understand you better.

In other words, cut the bullshit, and let your freak flag fly.
Share from the deepest, darkest, most bottomest part of yourself, because y'all, love that does not reach every corner and crevice of you, even the dark and scary ones, just aint a love worth living.
This life is too damn short for anything less than complete and honest love.
There are so many mediocre things in the world, your love shouldn't be one of them.
It should be bare, honest, real, complete, vulnerable, and passionate.

That is what I want.
And if that means letting someone see my insides, all naked and under bright lights, then so be it.
Because I am not spending time on anything less.

I am impulsive, irrational, emotional and insecure. I doubt myself. I get anxiety when I buy people gifts because I think they might hate them. I can be really clingy, possessive and jealous. Sometimes I want someones FULL attention, RIGHT THEN. And I feel hurt if I can't have it. Sometimes I miss someone terribly, right after I talk to them or see them, and I want them to miss me just as much RIGHT THEN, and if they don't I get scared that it means I am too easy to live without.

The list goes on and on.
And I have become over the years, a pro at downplaying, apologizing for, and downright hiding these things about me, for fear that they won't be loved and accepted. That they won't be good enough.
But I was reminded tonight that they are a part of me. 
The whole me.
And I will never know if anyone is capable of loving them, if I never show them to the people I love.

So I am doing just that.

I am "letting the love barrier down" or cutting the bullshit, and opening up to my dearest, as if I were talking to my best friend. 
And trying to have faith and trust that I will be received with love and kindness, and a stronger bond that has the chance to last a lifetime.

1 comment:

  1. Be this. For ME. I need you to. Always...but especially in the dark.