Wednesday, February 8, 2012

F*ck Moving


Recently, after some meddlesome gentle encouragement from Bill, I have made the decision to move.
See, I live in the ghetto.
No, seriously, I do.
I've actually come to believe that I am the only blogger in the world who lives in the hood, because all the blogs I come across display the dwellings of said blogger as places you definitely wouldn't find in a neighborhood where shoot outs are no big deal.
Seriously, I live in a neighborhood where shoot outs are no big deal.
There was one just the other day. I'm not sure who won because I was too busy going fetal on my closet floor with my entire body shielding the children, but I'm pretty sure it was Buck Nasty. He's a good shot.
Anyway, we need to move. Bill first posed the idea not long after I got my new kick ass job that pays twice what my old, lesser kick ass job did, and at first, although I knew he was right, I was hesitant.
Sure, my laundry room is outside my house, causing me to run from my front door to my laundry room in my underwear to grab my shit out of the dryer on a near daily basis, and yes I am the only person in my condo complex who graduated high school, and sure I get followed on my way to the dumpster by guys with tattoos on their face, but those aren't necessarily reasons to move, right?!....RIGHT?!
Why am I hesitant, you may ask?

Because moving sucks ass.

Especially moving with two young children. Double especially when you're moving with two small children, and you have a vagina. Triple especially when you're moving with two small children, only possess a vagina, and you don't own a truck or know a bunch of burly ass dudes to come move your shit for you.

Right now I am probably two weeks into looking for a new place, and I am already so ready to give up and live in the ghetto forever. I could braid Lainie's hair and get Jack a grill and we'd be fine.
I have looked at somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 house listings, and emailed/called 4 people about their house. Yes, 4 out of roughly 200.
2 of the 4 were scams. The old "Oh I live in Nigeria, please send me your money and all your information, I'm completely trustworthy" trick
And seriously, when did move in fees for rental houses get so freaking out of control?!
Everyone wants first and last months rent, plus a security deposit, plus a cleaning deposit, plus a why the fuck not you need a house and I have a house you can live in deposit, and that's all after the application fees which run anywhere from  20-65 bucks.
20 to 65 dollars just for the privilege of filling out an obnoxiously long application, and taking the chance of them saying "Hey, thanks for the $65 but you can't have my house. Later bitch!"


I'm over it.

So how about we all think really hard about what my name could be if I joined a gang in my neighborhood, and I'm going to just freak right out if one more asshole in Nigeria emails me asking for my money.

Moving sucks.

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