Monday, March 11, 2013

Monday Momisms: The Many Mysteries of Having Kids

Hahaha classic.

1. Where does the bread go? I mean seriously, I buy it, I buy two loaves at once, and before I even get it put away it's already down to the heels which nobody likes. My pantry is a graveyard of discarded bread heels until they get moldy or I am so desperate to taste something along the lines of bread for the first time in weeks, that I break down and eat them. I haven't had decent bread in months. I've bought it, I just never get to it first.

2. Also, milk. What the fuck, milk? I love seeing people in the grocery store digging through the milk jugs looking for the furthest away expiration date, as if milk sits in their fridge forgotten, and could possibly be there long enough to go bad. I wonder what that's like.

3. There is a roll of toilet paper, half used, in ever room of the house. You didn't put them there, and your kids are like always sniffing because they refuse to wipe or blow their nose. What the hell are they doing with the toilet paper?

4. Why do kids like Dora and Diego? Those kids are seriously neglected, left to roam around the South American wilderness in the company of wild animals, with a condescending map and back pack on acid, looking for some baby bird's mother. Notice they're like always looking for some poor baby animal's mom? Why is child abandonment such a strong theme in this show? And after these kids go through basically hell to find the baby animal's mother, the mom is just like "Thanks guys! I was wondering where I left this offspring" and NOBODY ASKS THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS! Like, oh I don't know, why the fuck did you just leave your kids 20 miles away with no food or water, and didn't even bother to look for it?!

5. Kids have the most ridiculous bullshit detectors. One day you can be in a smart ass mood and tell them that the sun and the moon are brother and sister and they can't be up at the same time because they fight too much, and your kids COMPLETELY BUY IT, but the next day when you're completely fucking exhausted but still take the time and effort to give an honest answer to their question, like "Yes horses drink water too, just like people", and suddenly they're all up in your shit with the wrath of a southern lawyer about how wrong you are, and there is no way horses drink water and how dare you fucking lie to them because Julia at school told them that horses drink Kool Aid and you need to back up her statement or sohelpmegodiwillendyou.

So many things I don't think I'll ever understand, but for the next 13 years, will desperately try to, while also spending my days languishing in fantasies of pantries that overflow with entire bread loaves. 
You know you're a parent when you long for the day that bread and milk have the opportunity to go bad in your house.

1 comment:

  1. Actually, my milk occasionally reaches the expiration date -- because I buy a gallon just for me :) I'm a big milk drinker, but usually only have small glasses and for cereal. I suppose I could buy half gallons, I just feel like it's easier to get a full gallon.

    Also, you should eat the ends of the loaves of bread -- best part for you! Crust has the most nutrients :)