Monday, June 16, 2014

Things I dont get about boys


So last week we talked about things I don't think guys really get about girls.
To be fair, I will admit that there are probably just as many things I don't understand about boys. 

1. Guys nights. 
I mean, I understand why there would be entire nights you dedicate to hanging out with the boys. Girls do this too, we call them Girls Nights. What I don't get though, is the shit you guys do on your guys nights. As near as I can tell, boys nights consist of a few guys getting together, talking shit to each other, and otherwise doing a bunch of stuff they normally just do alone, like drinking beer, and playing video games in silence - except when occasionally punctuated by the occasional aforementioned shit talking. When girls get together it's a fucking event. We wear our cute PJ's, we stock up on wine, we rent a bunch of girly movies, and then we spend the entire time talking through them, covering everything from relationships to fucking ghost stories. Or we go out and go dancing, get white-girl-drunk and eat a bunch of jack in the box. I don't know about you, but most girls I know don't do most of those things alone. 
With the exception of a few rough nights in my early 20's, I try to only fall asleep while eating a cheeseburger and crying, in the company of my besties.

2. Not knowing where anything fucking is. Like, ever. 
My dad used to say when my sisters and I were growing up that uterus' must double as tracking devices, because we always knew where everything was. This was not true. The truth was that he NEVER knew where anything was EVER, and his ability to look for things was about as on point as a blind person describing the color blue. Really, anyone who knew where their own asshole was on their body, would've looked like a crack detective next to him. This seems to be true for almost every man I've ever met, even guys that live alone. Somehow, the women they know that come to their houses once a fiscal quarter know where their shit is better than they do.
"Hey babe, where's my-"

3. The way you eat.
I think any girl who has ever lived with a man in any capacity firmly believes that the boys in the house are similar to garbage disposals, or the family dog when it comes to food. No matter what it is, if we can't finish it, or don't want it, the guys will eat it. And, if they're really hungry, it doesn't even have to taste good or have much flavor. I mean, I've watched guys shovel whole plates of what can only be described as slop, into their mouths by the pile, and then ask for more. Yet, at the same time, they are suddenly incredibly picky about the weirdest shit. 
It's like "Oh, that grey, flavorless, texturless mush? Sure, load me up." and then they're all "Is there fucking mustard on this burger? I can't even do it. I can't even fucking do it, bro."

4. Nice guys finish last.
Nothing infuriates me quicker than guys using this trite bullshit to explain away some bitch not wanting them. I mean, it's no different than a guy who is a total fucking asshole, writing off every bitch who doesn't want them because "she's crazy". A girl isn't automatically crazy if they don't like you, and it might not be JUST because you're too nice. Maybe there's some other shit at play here that made her not like you. I mean, just because you're nice doesn't mean you're perfect.
Maybe you smell like a ball sack.
Maybe you make a weird ass face when you're having sex.
Maybe you talk about your mom too much in a way that's fucking weird or uncomfortable.
Do YOU date girls ONLY because they're nice? Is that the only fucking thing you're looking for?
NO. So why do you expect for that to be the only shit girls care about? Nice guys don't finish last. Shitty ones who overly French pronounce French words, do.

5. Thinking your farts are funny.
I don't get this. I've said that before. I will never get this. I mean, let's be real, girls fart too, but when we do fart in the presence of one another, we don't laugh about it hysterically and then try to out do each other. We don't have farting contests with each other. We don't fart while we're laying in bed with someone, and try to shove their head under the blanket to make them smell it. 
Not fucking ever!

Well, maybe someday someone can explain this shit to me.
Until then, I hope we all learned something here today.

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