For some people, when they give into a vice that they've been working on controlling, they might call it "falling off the wagon".
Recently I think you could say I "fell off the wagon", in the area of eating things even remotely healthy for me.
But I didn't just fall off the healthy-food-wagon.
I fell off of it, rolled in front of it, got fucking run over by it, and then rolled down a giant fucking hill into a big pile of more bad choices.
And then I built myself a home, and lived there forever.
I would like to pretend that what I'm about to tell you has been only a recent folly into my Fat Kid side, but really this has been going on for like...fucking months. Somewhere around Valentines Day, to be 100% real with you, I just started eating my feelings, and then eating the feelings that the food gave me, and then covering all that food and feelings with like...more fucking food.
It's been gross.
I'm hoping though, that by sharing my experience, and confessing to some of the downright humiliating shit I've eaten over the last few months, I can't let go of my sins, and move on with my life.
Maybe toward a place with more vegetables, I don't know.
Anyway, here we go.
There was a day that I ate grilled cheese sandwiches for every meal. Yep. Even BREAKFAST.
There was one week in which I made frozen pizza twice, ordered pizza once, and ate leftover pizza another night. I literally ate pizza for almost an entire work week.
I ordered 12 buffalo wings. For me. And ate them. All.
I basically ate all the Taco Bell. I mean, seriously. All the Taco Bell that there is on this planet? It's inside me. I ate it.
There was even a time I got Taco Bell at night, and couldn't finish it all. I woke up the next day and found a couple tacos in the fridge, all soggy and congealed, and totally disgusting.
What did I do?
I ate them.
I made cookies, inside of a cookie, topped with a BROWNIE.
And I ate a shitload of them.
Have you ever eaten drive-thru from two different places in the same day? Because I have.
Have you ever patronized the same Wendy's, so many times in a row, that you started to worry the guy working the drive-thru was going to recognize you, and judge you? I have. Did it stop me? Not really.
Liquid calories? Otherwise known as booze? Yep, drank all that shit too. Fruity, sweet drinks that you know are like 8 million calories, beer, crown and coke - so much crown and coke.
I made tater tots at 2 in the morning.
Yep. At 2 in the fucking morning, I got up, and TURNED THE OVEN ON, I was so dedicated to my fatty snack. I waited the 20,000 hours for the oven to preheat, and I waited the 15 agonizing minutes for my tater babies to cook. And in this very long length of time, I didn't even once think "I should just go to bed and not eat these, what the fuck is wrong with me"
I thought to myself "I wonder if we have any cheese I can put on these tater bitches."
And I did.
And they were so good.
There. I feel a little better. I hope you do too. Just remember, whenever you have your absolute worst fat kid moment - where you're like standing over a pan of gravy, just soaking chunks of break in it and eating them or something - just remember, somewhere in the world, I am eating something worse, and probably in a larger quantity.