Things I Need to Remember

Things I need to remember right now:

1. I am going to be ok.

2. WE are going to be ok.

3. I can do this.

4. I've done this, one way or another, for almost 9 years. I can do it for 9 more. And another 9 after that. Whatever it takes.

5. No matter what happens, we'll survive.

6. My kids will be ok without gymnastics lessons or soccer teams if they need to go without those things for right now. I can make up for them with love...and ice cream bribes.

7. I am only one person, doing the job of two. Even if I fuck up, I should be proud of myself for what I still achieve every day.

8. We've come a long way in the last year. We can still go further.

9. Don't give up. Don't believe that there isn't hope, or chance, or fortune or luck, or sheer magic. There is. But it only works if you believe in it.

10. I am going to be ok. We will all be ok. Maybe not right now, but in the end. If things aren't ok, then it's obviously not the end.

Please refer me back to this when I feel like I'm barely treading water.

Big Decisions and Irrational Fears

I have a big decision to make.

Really, it's probably an obvious choice.

You might read this and go "Well, obviously you should do XYZ, I mean DUH" 

and you might even be right.

But to me this is hard.

I need a new car.

I mean, not immediately. The one I have right now will probably run another few months. I mean hell it might even last another several months, or GASP! A year!

But it might not.

The tranny is slipping, and if being raised by a mechanic taught me anything, it's that you don't fuck with the transmission. When that starts to go, you're in for a lot of money in repairs, and probably a lot of smaller subsequent problems.

So I'm going to have my brother look at it, but I have a sinking feeling that it's going to need a re-build, or a new tranny, neither of which I can afford out of pocket right now.

And it has 130k miles on it {officially as of this evening actually} so is it worth putting a new tranny into, when it might not go another 30k miles? 

And if it does, by the time it gets that used up, would it be worth anything?

Isn't it better to trade in or sell a vehicle while it still has some semblance of value?

So if I end up needing a new car right now, I'm looking at most likely having to get a loan.

Sigh.

I've never had a car loan before. I've actually never had any kind of loan before. I had a credit card once when I was 18, and that went....exactly how you would expect a credit line belonging to an 18 year old to go. Loans kind of scare me. I mean you have interest rates and monthly payments and if you lose your job you lose your car and if you don't have a car it's really hard to find another job, let alone get to that job once you find it, and if you have a reposession on your credit you can pretty much kiss your chances of ever getting another car loan goodbye, and then the next thing you know you gain 40 pounds, start riding the bus and talking to yourself in public.

All because of that loan.

Maybe I'm exaggerating.

BUT MAYBE I'M NOT.

I don't know. The whole thing just freaks me out. 

And aside from that, I lock socking money away. 

No-I like hoarding money.

No joke.

I've been in positions where we lost everything and had nothing and I was backed into some pretty shitty corners because of lack of money.

So I like to try to save every single penny I possibly can from my checks.

Not saying it always works, but I like to try.

Having a car payment means that's 2 or 300 dollars less that I can squirrel away in case of another rainy day/month/year.

My other option is forgoing the loan and saving up cash to buy another car outright on good old Craigslist. But that will take time if I plan to get anything decent, and that means waiting and hoping my car will hold out even longer, and it's already low value and high miles diminishing and rising respectively until it's got a million miles, isn't worth anything, and becomes a very big and very expensive fort for the kids in the backyard.

Which they would love, but that's besides the point.

I'm sure this all sounds crazy.

It really shouldn't be this big of a deal to get a car loan I'm sure.

But I'm the girl who's always waiting for the ground to fall out beneath her, remember?

I'm the one who expects the worst, prepares for the worst, and then wishes and prays for the best.

As of right now I guess I'll start with having the tranny looked at and then go from there.

You never know, maybe the mechanic will say it's not slipping, it's dancing with joy and will most certainly last another 30 million miles.

A girl can dream.

Cleaning Up Your Life {and by 'yours' I mean mine, but saying You instead of Me makes me feel less threatened. I'm a weak person}

I wanted to call this post "Getting My Shit Together" but thought better of it since I already cuss enough on this blog.

Sorry to all the decent people who may stumble upon this and want to wash my mouth out with soap.

P.S. : Already tried that. Shit didn't work.

Anyway, back to the point: cleaning up my life.

It's an ongoing project, at least for me. {but please say it is for you too so I dont feel like a total loser!}

Getting my finances back in order after the whirlwind that was "18", extricating myself from all negative and poisonous people, trying to find good people to be friends with {not perfect, just good} and trying to be a good person/friend for other people.

I would include being a better mom in this all, but really, no matter how much of a saint I someday may become {HA} motherhood will always be a work in progress for me. Kids are hard.

So on the topic of finances, saving money is something I'm kind of obsessed with. Or more curious about in a lurker way. Like people who save money each paycheck are this exclusive club that I'm eye balling from across the room, trying to decode all their mystical secrets. 

The idea of saving money makes so much sense to me.

It's safe, it's responsible, it means never being backed into a corner. It means never being without options, or a back up plan, or a way to flee the country...wait, what?

Nevermind.

The point to all of this is I like the idea, and in theory I have it down, but in practice I suck at it.

I put money away, and always end up needing to dip into it for some unexpected expense, or because I didn't budget correctly or because I overspent on something I didn't plan on, or whatever. OR I use my debit card for every freaking purchase and the next thing I know, I'm broke.

I don't seem to have any connection to my money if I can't see it.

My idea?

This:

I saw this on Pinterest the other day and was all "OK! Sounds neat!"

The idea is, you pay for things with cash as much as possible. You pull money out when you get paid for things like groceries, spending money, gas, or any other expenses you can't pay for online anyway.

You pay for stuff in cash, and whenever you meet a five dollar bill, you put it away. In a jar, in an envelope, wherever. If you're Bill, you throw it on the bathroom counter until your bathroom looks like you had a stripper party and made it in rain up in there.

The point is, you never spend a five dollar bill in your possession. You save 'em up, and over time they should add up rather quickly. 

If you're also putting 10% of your paychecks into savings too, like you should be, {#I'mahypocrite} then your savings will grow even faster. 

Sounds awesome right?!

A hawaiian vacation in a damn mason jar on your kitchen counter, right?!

And totally easy to pull of, RIGHT?!

We'll see.

I'm going to try, for the rest of the month, to pay exclusively in cash for things I can't pay for online {I am not driving to the cable office to pay my bill, so shut up}

and every 5 dollar bill that I come across, I am going to genuinely try to save.

I am not making any promises here, but seeing as how there are only 2 weeks left in this month, you'd think I'd be able to stick to a plan at least that long.

Wish me luck. 

In two weeks, I will post and let you know how I did and how much I saved.

And if I cried when I put a five dollar bill in a jar instead of a Starbucks barristas hand whilst saying "Vente iced no whip white mocha please"

I know. I'm ashamed of me too.

Monday Momisms: Making a Budget

 One thing my upbringing severely lacked, besides structure and functional communication, was any type of domestic education. 

My dad was a mechanic so he did teach me things like how to check my tire pressure, change my oil and fix a flat, but he never went over things like organization, bill paying, grocery shopping or how to make a budget. 

All of that stuff I more or less figured out on my own when I moved out on my own. I will say Lainie and I ate a substantial amount of Cocoa Pebbles and frozen pizza in that first year on our own together.

My older sister tried to teach me some stuff, like how to cook a whole meal and the basics of a budget. But while her recipes are all ingrained in my memory forever, the budget thing took a lot of getting used to and some serious customization for my particular lifestyle and personality type. {read: spending habits and shopping addictions}

Now, I will say this: I don't like shopping. The crowds, the lines, the annoying sales girls always looking at me like I might steal shit, trying stuff on, keeping my kids from knocking everything over or getting kidnapped. Oy. I kind of hate it. And online shopping isn't much better because I think the shipping fees are way jacked up, and I don't like buying something unless I can look at it in person, hold it in my hands and see that it's what I want. Plus, I hate waiting for shit to get here.

I digress.

I don't like shopping, but I do like other things, such as having new shoes {if only they could just appear without the shopping part} and procrastinating, and using my debit card instead of cash.

All of those things combined eventually equals: me being out of touch with my money and spending habits, paying bills late, and eventually running out of money before my next check.

When you have two little kids who are walking pathogens and could need a trip to the doctor at any moment, or a car with four tires that could so easily go flat at any moment, and you're the ONLY one who can cover those expenses, running out of money is not an option.

So for those of you who are trying to create a budget, learn to budget or embrace living on a budget, here's how I do it. It might work for you, it might not, but I haven't overdrawn a bank account in 3 years since I made this budget if that tells you anything.

Step one: know how much your checks are going to be after taxes and deductions each month. Sounds simple, but do you really know how much a standard, 40 or 80 hour {depending how often you're paid} check is after everything is taken out? If you make $12.00 an hour, you may need to make a budget based on 10 or 11 dollars an hour depending what your actual take home is after tax and health insurance.
You can use this calculator to get an idea of what should be if you don't feel like looking at your bank statements, or you're about to start a new job.

Step two: add up what your total bills are for the month. That means knowing how much you spend on gas, groceries, electricity and any other variable expenses. Things like rent, internet and your car payment should be fixed expenses that are the same every month.

Step three: bust out a calendar and figure out when your pay days are and what bills need to come out of which checks. For example, your rent is due the 1st so that comes out of either your last check from last month or your first check of the new month depending on your pay periods, but will you get paid again before your phone bill comes due on the 15th? 

You need to know where each check is going.

Step three: Pay your bills FIRST. That means before you buy a single pair of jeans or eat a single meal from the drive thru, or whatever you use your spending money on, pay your bills, even if it means paying them early, and then stash 10% of your net pay for that check away for savings. It adds up quickly, and it's so little usually you hardly notice it. 

Step four: Pull out whatever you have left over after bills are paid and your 10% is contributed to savings, as cash. That way you'll be more in touch with your spending money, and you'll start to feel that pain when you hand over a whole five dollar bill for a cup of coffee and get no change back. It will make you start spending less, I promise you.

Step five: keep receipts for a month or two from the gas station and the grocery store so you can get a better idea of how those variable expenses are average month to month. Maybe you think 200 dollars is a good bi-weekly food budget, but if you look back at your receipts and find you're really spending closer to 400, it's either time to adjust the way you budget, or the way you shop.

There's something super satisfying to me about knowing all my bills are paid, my savings is hidden away, and the cash in my wallet is all mine to do whatever I want with. My spending money doesn't always last me until my next check, but I have savings set aside for emergency doctor's visits or flat tires, and my groceries and gas are budgeted out, with money set aside for them that's separate from my spending money.

I don't have any credit cards, and I support both my kids on one income, including a $750.00 a month daycare bill. I think a lot of that has to do with budgeting, saving, and sticking to it even when it means I can't buy any new Sharpies that month. 

And I really fucking love new Sharpies.