Sunday, September 11, 2011

Playing with Fire

There's a famous writer, who's dead now, who's name I can't remember,
Who made his fiance read his journals from the last several years before she married him
So that she wouldn't have any misconceptions about the demon he really was
Or the demon he saw himself to be anyway.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't be with anyone.
I am too reckless, too careless, too impulsive and selfish
To treat anyone fairly.
Sometimes I think that there are too many things about me
That it would be unfair to ask another person to accept.
Like the fact that I will want all of their attention at a moment's notice,
And I will want to be left completely alone just as quickly.
But while I am being left alone, I want to be sorely missed.
Like the fact that no matter how happy I am with them, 
There are days when I will look out the window and wonder what other adventures I might be missing.
Not necessarily by loving them and not someone else,
But by staying in one place with them
And not being wholly unattached. 
Like the fact that my heart will always crave the world's most unbelievable adventure.
The fact that I will sometimes lay awake at night and feel alone beside them,
No matter how much they love me.
The fact that I will want all the love and devotion and desire they are capable of giving,
Even though I will sometimes run hot and cold.
The fact that in order to keep me, they must possess me completely
And never stop surprising me.
How can I fairly expect such wonders from another person?
Another mere human. especially when I know I am not capable of giving anything even slightly comparable in return?
When I know that I will be average.
I will be wounded.
Even boring.
But they must never stop amazing me, loving me, wanting me, needing me, chasing me, and preventing me from taking flight and escaping.
How can I tell someone that I want to be possessed, and I want to escape too,
Just to be hunted down and captured once again,
Over and over,
For the rest of my life?
Sometimes I think I should just be alone.

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